Resigning today

I stayed home for a while, then Randy and I were separating. Well, our marriage is better, and we both feel that, for our family, it's best for me to stay home. I'm really excited, but, I love my job (most days). I love the people I work with. I love my patients. This is so hard for me, even though I really do want to stay home, and it helps that Randy really wants it too. (Probably more than me, lol)

My resignation isn't even going to be effective until August, unless they find someone sooner. I just feel...I don't know. Sad.

It's very bittersweet for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to homeschooling next year. I can't wait to feel like my house is finally back in order (sometimes...HA!) I have sewing/crochet/scrapbooking projects piled up that I will have more time for. I know that it won't all get done, because, best of all, I'll have more time for my family.

I know I'm rambling, but...I'm just full of mixed emotions right now. I just remember Wyatt looking at me and saying that I never have time to do anything with him anymore. That's all the encouragement I need that I'm doing the right thing. My family needs me far more than some job.

I know this post doesn't convey it, but I really am excited. Just a little sad too.

Are you ready?

Yet again....nothing is quite the way I had said it would be in my last post.

First...I had a realization. Why am I going to pay 400.00 a month for Wyatt to go to school when I can do it myself? So, yeah, we are back to that. Which also means we aren't leaving until 8/31. Now, there is a chance that we will still buy dad's house, but there is someone else looking at it. If they offer what Dad is asking, well, then, that's 20,000 more than we are paying, and they can have it. There is another house we LOVE. Actually, we love it more than Dad's. The only reason we aren't buying it is because we would really like to know who our neighbors are. So we will see how things work. At least we have a back up plan in place.

Head, meet desk.

I am exhausted. We worked the Outlaw Races last night, so that wasn't done til about 2am, then I had to be up for work this morning, today I'm working 6am until 10pm, then tomorrow I'm teaching Sunday school, and then working from 2pm until 10pm. Sleeeep. I want sleeeep.

I think I may not do Clomid next month. I hate the way it made me feel, I hate the mood swings it gave me, how hot I was....Ugh. Yes, a baby would absolutely be worth all of that. But, first, I think I'm going to try to go the natural/herbal route. I don't need all those side effects on top of moving and trying to get Wyatt started with school. I'm not sure what I'm doing yet (other than research, lol) But Clomid has some possible long term side effects that the herbs don't, so...

Ramblings

Have I ever mentioned that I'm indecisive? I'm not sure that I have. HA! Well, the skirts are still hanging in the closet. Yes, that's right. In the closet. Not on me. Unless it's Sunday. I took the jeans and shorts right back out of storage. I just couldn't do it. Maybe I will switch a little more gradually. I dunno, maybe not. You know, I'm me. I don't have to fit into someone else's mold. I can homeschool in jeans, people! And I can cut my hair if I want to. (Not that I do want to, because people will hurt me, but you know, I *could*)

I really shouldn't blog at 1:30am. I really should learn to fall asleep when we get back from middle of the night calls. Then again, people really should learn to use 911 for (say it with me) e-mer-gen-cies. Really, is it that difficult of a concept to grasp? Clearly, yes, it is. *sigh I'm in the middle of 3 night shifts in a row. Not a huge deal, unless you're up with a 4 year old 5 year old all day. And tomorrow (today) I have a JILLION things to do. Yes, a jillion. And, no, I can't count that high.

I keep trying to tell myself it's pointless to stay on my diet this week, with Wyatt's birthday and everything else going on. And, you know, if I'm not on my diet, I can have all the coffee and creamer I want. :) Did I mention the nightshift thing? And my last nightshift is a 16 hour shift. How does that work? Oh yeah, with coffee :)

See...I can't even decide to stay on my diet. But I will. Stay on it, I mean. Well, I'll go back on it. This is just a bad week. Lots going on. I know, I said that already. I need sleep. That's a bad thing to say in the emergency services world, as I have now guaranteed myself to not get any.

Call me OCD, I'm ok with that :)

Although it certainly is an ongoing process, my Home Keepers' Notebook is certainly well under way. And wow...I feel uber organized! I have a master to do list, a section for weekly planners, a section for weekly menu plans, a section for daily to dos, a section for my checklists, a section for recipes, a section for bill paying, a section for articles of interest, and a section for misc. And, of course, come fall, there will be a section for lesson plans. Although, maybe I will have a separate Homeschooling notebook. Hmmm...That actually gets me excited, lol. My daily to do list is even broken down into sections. Go figure. I don't know where I get this from, but I do think sometimes that it borders on a disease! LOL

I really can't wait until I am only working overnights. I was home yesterday, and not tired, and I got SO MUCH done. I really felt accomplished. I could look at my house, and not be embarassed if someone came over. Not that anyone ever does, but I feel like I can relax so much better when my house isn't cluttered and messy. Mind you, with an almost 5 year old, there's always a mess, but that's ok. That I can deal with. And Wyatt is getting so much better about cleaning up after himself. Of course, I'm getting better about giving him a good example to follow. And I'm following through with discipline, so that makes a difference.

Well, after talking to many many people, I think I'm going to go with My Fathers World for homeschooling next year. It seems fairly simple to organize/follow, without being easy. I still want to look into Abeka, but I have time yet. I should do that while I'm at work today. Abeka tends to be a bit more advanced from my understanding. Which is NOT a bad thing! That's why I'm homeschooling :)

Well, we had another earthquake this morning. This was the largest one yet, 3.1. Which I know still isn't huge in the grand scheme of things, but, it shook the station. And then the phone started ringing and it hasn't stopped!

Well, it's been almost a month....

I went out of town for a week to the beach. I went with a few girls. It was nice to get away, and I came home with a fresh perspective.

On one hand, there's a lot going on, but on the other, it's nothing notable.

Wyatt graduated PreK. I only got teary eyed once. When he got on the stage and said his line, it made me laugh so hard. He is such a bright, funny little man and I am truly blessed to call him my son. The other day I went into his room to remind him to get dressed. He was laying on his bed, with a book in his hand. I stood in the doorway and listened. He was reading! I get a little misty eyed writing this. I can't believe it.He's so smart. When I asked him to get dressed, he asked if he could finish reading his book first. Hmmm...procrastinating in order to read...Where might he get that from?

I'm still so on the fence about school next year. I'm not at all worried about the socialization. Between sports, chuch, and friends, he will have plenty of socialization. I have to confess, it's purely selfish. I want a break! I know there has to be a balance...a way to send him to public school and still raise a respectful, God loving little man. I know, I know...whatever decision I make isn't going to be the end all be all....but still.

What, you've had enough of my indecisiveness? Fine, fine. Onto other news. I started Weight Watchers. Again. In my first week, despite 2 "I want what I want so I'm not counting points" meals, I lost 2.5 pounds. Not too shabby. It really is a simple diet to follow. I can do this. And if I start to think I can't...well....here's my motivation. NO laughing! I bought 2 newborn size tshirts. One is hanging on the fridge, the other in the pantry. Here's the thing, I'm going to do this diet for the next month, then start Clomid, a fertility drug. It's pretty mild in comparison. I won't bore you with details. I will, of course, continue with the diet while I"m on Clomid (which will be 4 months) and then we will explore other fertility avenues if needed. Or, you know, maybe Wyatt will be an only child. If that's the plan God has in store for us, then that's how it will be. And you know, I am still a very lucky mom. I would never feel like I was settling with just one child livng with me. Wyatt is incredible.....

So let's see...what else is going on....I'm totally miserable at work. I am just so sick of the drama, and when I'm at work, I just think of all the things I could be doing at home. Next month, between our work schedules, there is no time for anything. I think we may have one day off together. Starting in July, I think I'm only going to work 10pm-6am. Then Wyatt will never know I'mnot here, and I can still get plenty done at home. We shall see.

Some ramblings

First of all, let me just say.... I AM SO SICK OF SNOW!!!!

OK, now that we got that straight. I worked a shift this week that was non-stop. I actually had to go back in to do a trip sheet because I didn't have time to finish it during my shift. And still, nothing I did made a difference. A couple of nursing home calls, and a working code. I made not one iota of difference, aside from providing comfort. And, for the first time ever, I heard someone (A lady in her 70s) tell me that Prednisone made her feel like she could "lick the world". This is the wisdom being handed down for generations!

I feel better about work. I think I looked to it to solve problems, and, well, that's just not going to happen. I just need to accept it as it is. I am very blessed in the fact that I don't *need* to work outside the home. But it does distract me from things that I think I'm missing out on at home.

I've done a lot of thinking about the whole fertility thing. And a lot of praying. I think that, for now, it's just going to go to the back burner. There are so many other things I'd like to concentrate on. I want to go back and re-read my blog on goals for the New Year. But I know my home needs to be more organized. It's not a big one, so it doesn't take much for the clutter to make you feel like you are getting pushed right back out the door! And I don't want that. I want my home to be peaceful. (Well, as peaceful as possible with the zoo under the roof) And I really want to be selfish for a little while. I want to spend more family time. Randy and I had wanted to do a date night once a month. Even if it turned into a date night in if we couldn't get a sitter, then so be it. Just something so we are doing more than passing each other in the hallway. And I do want to get healthier before we try to take on the fertility process. Both mind and body (No smart comments, please!!!)

I see so many weekend trips we could take. And I want to do that. I really want to get my focus back on my family. I lost that somewhere. Maybe it's under the snow. (Did I mention how sick of snow I am)

Anyway, for my sanity, the fertility stuff will wait. In the meantime, I will pray that it happens naturally. And I feel such a relief over making that decision. Maybe at some point in the next few months, I will get the urge to start, but I need to concentrate on the family I have now. And I need to take care of myself better before I start doing all that stuff to my body.

On a totally different topic....Someone recently told me that she finds my blog inspirational. That meant so much to me. I certainly don't intend for it to be. It's just a way for me to get my ramblings & vents out. I think that speaks to the school of thought that you never know whose life you will affect in any given day. Lindsey is someone we are getting to know better, and I'm happy for it. She is truly a nice person. She and her other half were such a big help in getting us moved in. She reminds me of...well...me a few years ago. I'm really looking forward to getting to know her better and developing a friendship with her.

2 more weeks and I will be in MD. I"m bummed, cause my Trish works my free day down there, but...what can ya do? I miss her terribly. There is so much lately that I've just felt I needed her to be with me for. She just...I don't know how to explain it. But she puts things into perspective for me. I am really blessed to have her in my life.

Alright, my coffee cup is running low. And this is my last day for coffee, as I've officially signed up for weight watchers. Now I must meal plan. *Sigh*

Priorities...Who Am I?

OK, so...I started back to work last week. I thought it was the greatest thing ever. Now? I'm not so sure. The money is great, and it will go a long way towards helping us pay for the IVF. And for the longest time, so much of my identity was wrapped up in being an EMT. Really, I wanted a break from..."home" too. I wanted some kid-free time. Not that Randy hasn't tried his hardest to give me some whenever I wanted/needed it, but....Still. There's only so much he can do.

My closest friends are my oldest ones. So of course, they knew me when I was an EMT. I love each and every one of them, and I'm not sure they would understand what I'm feeling right now. Yes, friends are allowed to have different opinions. I know that. But it's like I've changed so much. More than even I thought I had. Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt for a single moment that they wouldn't still love me and listen to me vent about being stuck at home some days. And they would still be friends with me (HA HA, like I would let them just walk away from me!!!)

I've been back to work for 3 shifts. And, it's just not what I thought it would be. I mean, it's great to get paid to sit around, watch tv, and once in a while, go make someone feel better....or at least get them to where they will feel better. But...My heart isn't in it. Not like it used to be. Granted, in those 3 shifts, I had 2 calls, and neither was someone who truely needed us. But that's the normal up here. It's just....not fun anymore. And, really, am I making a difference? No. There is nothing I do for someone that is going to save them. Not really. I just drive a fancy taxi. And I'm exhausted all the time, so the fact that me working was serving the purpose of getting me out of the house has gotten us nowhere. I'm just as cranky as I was before

Not to mention, I want to be a "helpmeet" to Randy. How can I do that when I'm not even here to help him? And I get home from work, and the house is a mess, Wyatt is clingy, and Randy has to turn around and leave. Why do I want this? He tries to keep the house clean, he really does, but for him...It's one or the other. He can't be really good at playing with kids AND keepign house. And I'd rather the housekeeping fall to the wayside. I certainly don't come home and relax. This is no fault of my husband's. It's just life. I'm coming across as whiney, and I'm really not. I think I'm just trying to sort through everything in my head and get it on "paper"

My new identity is wife and mom. And you know, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Actually, I'm pretty proud of that.

I'm not going to quit my job. Randy would let me and take on another one in a heartbeat. I honestly think that's what he'd rather do than see me like this all the time. I just can't do that to him. I just think that God guides us to our paths. There is a reason that I went back to work. I can't say that I know what it is yet.

Who knows. If things go well this summer, I may not be able to work for a while. But something's gotta give!

Lot's going on!

I know it's been a while. There has been a lot going on for us.

As everyone knows, we moved into our new house. It's much smaller, but with a lot of land. Our first night here, I took a deep breath and realized....I actually, felt calm. This just feels right. It will feel more right once we are all unpacked though!

Wyatt is adapting VERY well....LOL....We have a rule that when either Randy or I are at work, or away for the night, Wyatt can fall asleep in our bed. Well, this week, it seems one of us has been away every night! Wyatt does love his new firetruck room, and he's getting used to having to keep his toys in his room.

One night this week, we had gone out to dinner with some friends. Randy and my friend's husband each met us when they got off work. Well, when I dropped off my friend and her kids, both husbands had suggested I stay the night there because the roads were very slick. A few hours into the night, while I was on the phone with Randy, our sweet puppy, Sam, passed away. He was only 4 months old. I thought I was doing well with it, but I'm crying as I type this. The next morning, Wyatt, who didn't know Sam was gone yet, told me that Sam was next to him playing on the floor, but I couldn't see him. Now, Wyatt knows that Sam is in a place with all the Milkbones in the world. Mocha is NOT doing well at all with it. She's not eating, and she lays around a lot. Keep in mind that she is barely a year old. I don't know what to do for her. She's skinny to begin with. My heart hurts for her.

I did go back to work this week. Back to EMS. 20 hours and not one call. We didn't even go get food. I was bored to tears. Easy money though, I guess. I would have said that we don't need the money, but, well, who can't use it? It's helping me to find myself again, and it's certainly nice to get out of the house. It makes me think that I CAN homeschool, because going to work will give me the break I need. But, I'm still not sure about that (Shocking, 'aint it?)

We did go to an open house for a Christian school for Wyatt. I did like it, but I just don't know. I have yet to see something that feels "right" for us.

I went back to the fertility specialist today. As it turns out, I have one blocked tube and one good tube. So, my chances of conceiving naturally are really diminished. So we discussed my medical options. (Anyone who doesn't want to read personal stuff, just skip this paragraph. Better yet...Get outta my blog!!!) They can do a laproscopy to find out why it's blocked, but that's just going to tell us why, not fix it. No, thank you! So, I can take Clomid, a pill to help you make more eggs, then have an IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination....Basically, they will take Randy's sperm and put it right in my uterus). It has less than 10% success rate for someone with both tubes working. Half of that for me. Then, there's injectable drugs for me, followed by an IUI. Higher success rate, but again, it's cut in half for me. Lastly there is IVF. We all know what that is. That has a 40% success rate, and, because my tubes don't matter, it's still 40% for me. Naturally, it's also the most expensive route. I talked to Randy, and he's all about pursuing that. I have some reservations. But I will say that Randy is of the mind that it's my body, so what we put it through is my choice.

So that brings us to paying for this thing. There's the logical "let's get totally out of debt and then save for it" way of thinking. The only debt we have is 6,000 remaining on the house. So that means that we could, reasonably, pay for it within a year. (After paying off the 6000) Then there is the "let's take out a loan, pay off Steve, get the IVF done, and pay the loan off as quickly as possible" way of thinking. There is the part of me that says that we have waited long enough. I don't want to wait anymore. I want my baby now. It's so hard. I try to tell myself that there is still the chance we can get pregnant on our own. So maybe we should pay off Steve, save up the 10 grand, and keep trying in the meantime. However, I have never been known for my patience. See? Another decision. I'm done with them, thank you.

What to do, what to do???

It looks like we are going to be snowed in for the weekend. Randy has to be at work in the morning, so he just went in tonight since the worst of it will hit overnight. I'm spending tonight hanging in my jammies, and then tomorrow I plan to tackle a lot of this "stuff". I want to get these boxes outta here, and my house in order! When better to do it than when I'm snowed in?

Alright you impatient people....

I really haven't had much to write. Last weekend I visited some friends, and totally stayed out too late. I've been so tired all week...I was in bed at 7:45 last night!
Well, Randy and I have been talking...I really want to go back to EMS, even if it's just part time. So I have an interview with my old boss tomorrow. We shall see what happens. I'm still going to keep the kids. I would have to work my schedule around Randy's so one of us is home anyway for Wyatt, and Randy is ok with the daycare kids.
Our house is (back) on the market. We really want land. I'm ready to go bonkers. We found a house that we love, but it's not in the town we are in now, and we really want to stay here, if we stay in the area. So we are looking at a few comprable houses this weekend. I'm sure none of them will have the view of the house we've already fallen in love with. But, life is all about compromise.Right? Right? Agree with me here people!
I got to see my bestest friend this weekend. Nothing like some time with my Frish to really feel better. She really helps me to put a lot into perspective. I would be lost without her. Friends like her are so rare, and once you find one, you should hold onto him/her with all that you have.
My monkey is begging for a drink. I suppose I should give him one before he withers away to nothing.
Since Thanksgiving is a week from tomorrow, I am going to TRY to write one post every day about something I am Thankful for.

"We've lost the village"

So...On the surface, I am the stereotypical stay at home mom at this moment. The baby is sleeping in the swing, Wyatt is downstairs playing, and I am curled up in a recliner drinking coffee and watchign Dr. Phil. And, let me admit that I put off switching the laundry to watch it. All that's missing are my Bon Bons. Today's episode of Dr Phil is the eternal debate for moms...Does staying home really benefit the child socially, academically...etc.
I am not an expert. I know this time last year I was working...A LOT. I was very blessed to have a childcare provider who was amazing with Wyatt. She seemed more like a part of the family than "an employee"...And I always treasured her way more than someone would care about an employee.
But I digress.
Randy and I really talked about whether I should work. He wanted me to stay home, and I did too, but, honestly, I was scared. There are days that I just want to get out. I want something to do that's not all about Wyatt. Does that make me selfish? I LOVED my job, and that made it that much harder. There are definitely a few days I miss working. But for the first time in my son's life, I get to be the one to tuck him in every night.
I honestly think we've made the right decision for our family. And that's just it...It's a decision that each family needs to make. There is no one size fits all solution. Not these days anyway.
Hmmm...this really was kinda pointless. But I have been threatened if I don't blog more often. So here ya go Trish :-P

Caffeine

Ahhh...Here I sit, at 3:26 in the afternoon drinking coffee. Please don't think I won't be able to sleep tonight. I asure you, I will. I have been drinking coffee in the afternoon for the last week. At first, it's because it got a little chilly and I wanted a warm drink. Now? Well, if I don't have it, I'm afraid that my resulting mood will cause a conflagration.

I've started babysitting the sweetest little baby girl. Earning money really shouldnt' be so easy.

I spent half of this morning trying to explain to my son that, yes, it is a holiday and he doesn't have school. But, no, it's NOT Halloween. *Sigh* Then we had the conversation that Daddy still works on Holidays. Apparently more so than other days.

I miss "working". I miss the identity that I had wrapped up in being an EMT. I miss putting on my boots and my job shirt. I miss pushing buttons. I miss talking on the radio (Shocking, huh?) I miss helping people. I miss making a difference. I know I am, but in a different and so much better way, but...I dunno. Some days I feel so lost. I am so thankful for the opportunity to stay home. It's somethign I never thought I would have. I'm contemplating going back to school. I just want to be more than "Wyatt's Mom".

There is a princess stirring in the crib. I will write more tomorrow~