Putting it in perspective

So here's my big New Year's resolution.....

Don't sweat the small stuff. I mean, really, we all get so worked up and focused on drama that we tend to forget about the good stuff.

This week, I felt like I was dealt one blow after another. Due to...let's call it an unexpected expense...I have to break my lease and move into a friend's "cozy" apartment with her family. I was stressed to the max about moving, uprooting Wyatt for what is going to be a temporary thing (meaning he will get uprooted again), being another 1/2 hour away from work, hoping the roommate stuff wont' mess up our friendship....Then, I realized... I have an amazing friend who is more than happy to share what she has with Wyatt and me. And she offered without even batting an eye. What an incredible gift that is. We don't need "stuff". There really is very little we need. This biggest thing is, of course, shelter and nourishment. Just behind that is love. Wyatt and I have an abundance of love, both for each other and for (and from!) friends. You truly don't know what kind of friends you have until they step up. This last year has certainly shown me that. (Heck, really, the last 6months) I'm certainly convinced that DNA means very little, it's the people who stand beside you that make up your family.

Today I picked Wyatt up from a sleepover. He stayed up way late, then was up throwing up (pretty sure it was reflux) and woke up early. Yay! The recipe for a cranky kid. He took a 2 hour nap right up until 5, and was then very whiny, felt warm to me (but I was cold) and continued to lay around and not want to eat. Great. He's gotta be getting sick, right? Yet another thing I have to figure out how to balance. Did I mention he was cranky? Oh. My. Bob. I was ready to lay down next to him and stomp my feet about how much life stinks.

Then, I remembered...an old friend had to do the hardest thing imaginable today. She buried her newborn daughter. The daughter she felt moving inside her 2 hours before her C-section. I looked at my healthy (in the grand scheme of things), smart, funny and mostly happy little boy today and remembered that I have a major blessing. I'm sure my friend would have gladly traded places with me.

What amazing reminders to keep things in perspective. There is always someone who wants to trade places with you.

You never know what may happen next year, tomorrow, or in the next 2 hours. You can't go crazy worrying about it, but you can make every moment count.

A little of this, a little of that

First...the pool is up! Well, I'm assuming it's still up, and that the cats haven't destroyed it overnight. Rest assured, I took pictures of the whole process! (Sorry, guys, can't help...gotta scrap it)

Randy got lots of laughs at my expense. It's IMPOSSIBLE for me to find a hair style I really like. Well, at least a picture of it. Much less a style and color I like. I mean, I've seen them on people, but I can't very well walk up to someone and ask to take a picture of their hair. Yesterday there was a show on we were watching and one of the people had hair that I LOVE! So, I kept pausing/rewinding the TV to get a good picture of it. I seriously have about 20 pictures of my TV from yesterday. On a side note, how awesome is it that we can pause and rewind live TV? (I say this about a week after we are set to get rid of cable...but that's a whole other post)

Now for the big stuff. Yesterday, I got to talk to a friend that I haven't talked to in forever. It was really nice to catch up, and we cleared the air on some things that I hadn't realized we needed to clear the air on. I'm so glad we did. Plus, it helps to have a friend dealing with some of the same issues.

She also brought something else to light. Now, I know people up in PA typically don't read my blog. And that's fine. So a lot of the people who need to see this won't. But apparently, according to them, I'm to blame for much of what's gone wrong in our relationship. To the point that I'm not sure I'm comfortable going up there anytime soon. I mean, I really don't care what people think, it's what my husband thinks that matters, but still....It hurts that some of my so called friends seemed to have forgotten that there are 2 sides to every story, and that, yes, there are definitely things I could have done much better, but that statement goes across the board. Really, though, all that matters is that Randy and I are working on our marriage. It's stronger than, I think, it ever was. I'm so grateful for that. And honestly, I'm grateful that Randy had people to turn to when he was hurting, just like I did. I'm grateful they had his back, just like my friends had mine. But it still hurts a little.

I'm glad I have this blog. Whether it ever gets read or commented on, I don't care. I can look back and see how much I've changed, how much I've grown. Someone made the comment that maybe my infertility was for the best because of our marriage issues. Well, first, that hurt deeply. It's like saying I deserve to be infertile. No one deserves this. When you have the means to physically, financially, emotionally spiritually care for a child, then no, infertility is not "for the best".

When I look back at my blog, I can see that the two times we've had major issues were centered around infertility. The issues themselves weren't, but I think I wasn't in the best mindset to deal with them. The first time was when we had the diagnosis of infertility. That's really hard for a woman to deal with. My body is failing to do what it was created to do. No matter the reason, it won't do it. That's a crushing blow to my womanhood. Randy and I want a big family, and because of ME we may not have that. I know he says he's ok with that, but still....I think a part of me worried that he would feel like he was missing out. The second time our marriage crumbled was when the 2 IUIs didn't work. I mean, if infertility treatment isn't even going to work, nothing will. At least that's what I remember thinking. I think the fact that I was so willing to give up on my marriage had a lot to do with some depression on my part. And, thanks to this blog, I'm able to see that.

Don't get me wrong, Randy and I still have our issues that we need to work on. But we ARE working on them. Everyone has issues. I can honestly say that our marriage is stronger right now than it ever has been. No matter what has gotten us to this point, I'm thankful that we're here.

A little addition to the last post

It dawned on me that my last post probably seemed a little bitter. Well, I am a little bitter towards the doctors at Hershey, myself for not standing up for myself, etc. But, please know this...

God has brought all of this on. He has a reason, a purpose for putting me through this. I don't know what it is, and, honestly, I don't want to know. I don't want to know what He knows. That is terrifying. I'm grateful to Him, because now I have an appreciation for pregnancy, infancy and such that I had taken for granted before. It's helped me to appreciate Wyatt more. It's also given me a different perspective on miscarriage. I know now how sometimes the words that you think are so right are so wrong, and don't actually provide comfort. I know how scary being pregnant can be for some people. I think it's made me more sensitive and, hopefully, a better friend and healthcare worker.

Anyway, all this was to say that I'm not bitter AT ALL with God. I trust that He has a plan, and there is a lot of comfort to be found in that.

No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts has helped me have this perspective. This song has helped me stay positive, and keep my relationship with Him.

Changes

For someone who really really hates change, I sure do post an awful lot about it. But, I think this could be a good one.

Randy and I sat down and talked last night....really talked. I admit, I approached him. We decided to try counseling. We both realize it's no guarantee, but it's gotta be worth a try. And I'm smart enough to realize some of my desire is born simply out of my need to protect Wyatt, but... I think that's a good reason anyway. I've really been feeling a lot lately like God has been speaking to me and telling me to make things work. So, Randy isn't moving. We haven't told Wyatt yet.

I can't really say what the future holds, and I can't really even say what we might do. For right now, we are just taking it one day at a time. (Which, as you all can attest, is not an easy thing for me to do)

We both know changes need to be made. We both have ideas about what some of those changes should be. It's a great place to start, but the bottom line is that we need a little bit of help to get back to where we should be. We've been there before, and I KNOW we can get there again.

Rough night

Boy, last night we did NOT have a good night. Wyatt cried for close to an hour, and believe me, I was crying right along with him. He's terrified that I'm going to move away from him too. No matter how much I promised him that I wouldn't leave, that I would ALWAYS be with him, he was just....heartbroken. The worst part is that I don't know if Randy even knows if he wants to still be in Wyatt's life, so I can't promise him that Daddy will always love him. Even if it's like a bandaid, I can't lie to my son. It will only be worse in the long run.

I admit...I'm at a loss. I don't know how to handle this. When my parents divorced, I took it in stride. We are in the Bible Belt. Only one of Wyatt's friends has divorced parents, and they live very few miles apart. This is such a new thing to Wyatt. I don't know how to reassure him. I know that, really, it's just going to take time and prayer, but I'm so terrified that this will affect him long term. I mean, look at it this way, his biological "father" has nothing to do with him, and the only man he's ever known as Daddy is leaving too. That's gotta stay with a kid. Granted, he doesn't really ever talk about his bio dad, but I remember him telling me that he was sad because his real dad threw him away. He's smart. I've never spoken a word about bio dad in front of him, much less EVER said he threw him away, but Wyatt picks up on stuff. How do I boost his self esteem? How do I reassure him that *I* will ALWAYS be there?

I spent a lot of last night in prayer. I know that noone can really tell me how to walk this path with Wyatt. I never in a million years thought the divorce would affect him like it has. I know that with the help of friends, and lots of prayer, we will get through this. God is good, and He has my back!

These songs really help me: Mandisa: He Is With You and Casting Crowns Praise You In This Storm

Mornin' y'all

We've had a busy few weeks around here. Then again, when don't we?

Wyatt and I went to the beach last weekend with a good friend. We had SO much fun. Wyatt built his first sand castle. He was AMAZED when he took the bucket away and there was a turret! At 5 (and a half, thank you very much) there is still so much that amazes this little guy, and I love to watch his face light up every time it happens. I've missed out on so much before, and I feel like God has given me Wyatt to at least make up for it a little bit. I'm definitely trying harder. We went with an old friend, and it's so nice to stay in touch and that we can pick things up.

Today Wyatt has a field trip. The school library is taking the top 10 readers from Wyatt's grade to Chuck E Cheese. Wyatt is over the moon about it. I love that he's getting positive reinforcement from the school for academics. A lot of people have said the school focuses so much on academics. (This IS the South) I've really been trying to make sure he knows that I'm proud of him, and that I believe he can have the moon if he wants it. He's so smart, and he really can do anything. I hope I've done a good job letting him know that.

I have off all week, Dr Jones is in Mexico. So I have no excuse for not blogging! (Well, except I vow to get this house spotless. Really, I will. And I will plant a garden. Uh huh. I'm gonna do it!)
It's hard to believe that in 2 weeks Randy will be back in PA full time. He's up there now tying up loose ends. I get a little nervous, thinking about doing it all on my own again. I know I can do it. It's just a matter of giving myself limits and rules and sticking to them. Like a budget. I DONT WANNA BUDGET. But, I can. And I will. If for no other reason than to prove to myself that I can do it.

The Royal Wedding

I don't understand what this country's obsession with the royal family is. I mean, all this non stop coverage of the wedding. Forget about the storms that just swept the south, killing numerous people. Last time I checked, we fought in this little war so that we wouldn't HAVE to care about the wedding. Well, I suppose that WAS before the invention of satellite

So today, when I pick Wyatt up from school, I will have a surprise for him. I'm bringing Tank. No, I'm not driving a tank, I'm bringing Tank. A dog. Yes, yes, we got another one. I thought we'd go to the animal shelter so Wyatt could see how much work a puppy is, since he's been asking for "his own dog". I didn't count on them having a dog with bright blue eyes "Just like mine, Mom!!!" Sigh. At least it's a chocolate lab. Pics to come. Yes, feel free to stamp "sucker" on my forehead.

So in 4 weeks and 2 days, Randy is moving back to PA. I think, now that there's actually a date, it's really hitting me. There is part of me that will be relieved, Wyatt and I can finally move forward. But there's a pretty big part that is sad too. Randy is really a good guy. And my marriage is going to be over. That's a bitter pill to swallow.

It's Monday!

Doesn't that mean it's time for another totally random blog from me?

Things around here...well, they're going. It's awkward at best some days. Randy is still here for another month to 2 months, although that, of course, is always subject to change. Part of me will be sad to see him go, but part of me can't wait. We still get along...but then we always have. That's part of the problem...to disagree involves some amount of passion. Guess what the number one thing lacking in my marriage was?

My devotional this morning was focused on patience, highlighting the verse "Be still and know I am God". Hellloooo.....Know that I am me, and I can't be still. When I really reflected on the devotional, and that verse, I realized...In being impatient, I've allowed myself to settle. Rather than rely on God to give me what I need in His time, I've been trying (and failing) to make things happen. What an incredible eye opener.

Reflections

I haven't blogged much lately. As my Facebook friends can attest to, I really haven't been online much at all. I've really been focusing on my family and my Faith.

I've come to one major conclusion about my family. Sometimes, some things just aren't meant to be. I think Randy and I are just entirely too different to really be a couple. I've prayed about it A LOT. There are just far too many ways we are too different. It's at the point now that bitterness is starting to develop, because I've thought we HAD to stay married. I talked with my pastor last week, and he and I prayed about it, and especially after speaking to him, I do feel that it's best for BOTH Randy and I that we move onto the next stage of our lives separately. We are still friends, and I hope we always will be. He says he wants to continue to be a part of Wyatt's life, and for both of their sakes, I do hope that's true. But I'm afraid that if we continue with our marriage, my bitterness will get worse, and that certainly won't help our friendship. I just don't feel that either of us is best suited for the other.

I know this isn't one of my happy, bubbly blogs most of y'all have come to expect. I don't mean to sound so negative about it. I can't speak for Randy, but I really feel at peace with it. More than I did when trying to make the marriage work. At least we both put effort into it, and I don't feel that we rushed into separating at all. I can't say I'm happy about separating, but definitely at peace. I had always said divorce wasn't an option for us, but after sleeping in separate rooms and living totally separate lives, I really think it's the ONLY option for us.

I don't expect most people to understand. And that's ok. The only thing that matters is that Randy and I understand.

I'm going to continue with counseling at the church. Not because of the marriage, or at least not only because of the marriage. But because I'm still so new at being a believer. It's been a big help so far. I can only hope it continues to be so.

Boy...when you need to hear a message....

Have you ever noticed that when you really need to hear something, you hear it over and over in so many different ways? I know I've touched on that before. Well, I'm doing it again. Yesterday we had a sermon that, well, it made me see some things about myself that I'm not proud of, things I needed to see. I knew some of them, or at least wondered about them...if they were right or wrong. Well, after yesterday's sermon, it just couldn't be more clear. Then this morning I read a devotional a friend had sent me over a week ago. Wow. What another eye opener. It was somewhat about the same thing. Close enough that I took the same meaning out of it. I need to change some things about myself. And, if I'm to be honest, looking over the course of my marriage, well...when I had been more careful about my influences, my marriage was better. If I'm going to be honest, I need to be more careful about what I expose myself to. And, no, this has nothing to do with friends being Christian or not, or even about friends period. I do need to ask myself this...how is it I have time to see what everyone is up to on Facebook, but I don't have time to do my Bible study every day? I don't think Facebook is making me a bad person, I just use that to illustrate my point. There are other things I need to spend less time doing. Or, frankly, not doing at all.

I think I'm going to go back to the way I was doing things for a while. I will use the computer in the mornings, AFTER my devotional time. And then, for me, it's getting shut off. There is too much to do with my family, with my home, that will take up more of my time. I'm going to file this under resolutions, because it is going to help me be a better Christian, mother, and, yes, a better wife.

So I have decided

in my completely sleepy haze this morning that I am going to finish the Love Dare. Just because Randy might be ready to check out of our marriage, I'm not. The things worth having are never easy.

On another note...Isn't it funny how, when you really need to hear a message from God, He gives it to you in so many different ways? I think I may have posted about this before. It just seems to be happening more and more frequently lately.

I know my blogs have been short, and not written every day. I'm working on that, I promise. I just think I should have things worthy of writing about.

I'm trying to find out what I have to do to have Wyatt vaccine exempt for school. I stopped vaccinating at 4. (He didn't get his 4 year old vaccines) Thanks to a wonderful group of my friends, I've seen the harm that vaccines can do, both short and long term. I've also seen some of the lists of ingredients. That is scary stuff. I'm glad I'm able to make a change for the better for my son. I should probably do a post about that too. Hmmm....

Here I am :)

OK, so...there's lots to blog about.

First, the good stuff. My weight is down 6 pounds since starting Weight Watchers. YEAH!!! 6 pounds in 2 weeks, and I really don't feel at all deprived, I can eat whatever I want (And I didn't give up coffee) I even (looks around secretly) ate a bag of peanut butter cups this week. Seriously. This is the Best. Diet. Ever.

If you're a Love Dare blog follower, you've probably noticed I haven't updated it. Well, there's a reason. Randy does want to go back to PA. So, right wrong or indifferent, I'm kinda backing my heart out so that I can deal with it more easily. This whole divorce thing was my idea, but had really wanted to make it work.

I had a job interview last week. The office manager seemed pretty nice, so I think I will like working there. I have the after school care all set up for Wyatt, now I just have to figure out what to do for vacations. I know I will figure something out. I really believe God will provide. Hopefully I get the job. It's in the next town, so that part I don't really like, but it is what it is.

So here we go

Well, I lost weight. Not as much as I expected, but at least the numbers on the scale are going in the right direction.

Today, 3 years ago, a very very special soul went to Heaven. I just want to take a moment to remember that, and to remind moms that even though your kiddos may make you bonkers, they are still yours, and they are amazing wonderful miraculous gifts from God. And even if your arms are empty, you are still a Mom in your heart. God does have a plan, even if we don't always understand it.

My step-mom and I were going through wedding pictures last night. Just a year and a half ago things were so different. The infertility has been in my head a lot lately...of course, so many people I know have had babies in the last month, and so many more are pregnant. I saw a video this morning that really hit home. But, I need to put all that in the back of my mind. My marriage is the most important thing. That has to get fixed before anything else. And I need to know, for me, that my reasons for staying are the right ones. Not because it's easy, or for Wyatt, or because Randy's such a good guy.

This morning is church. Hopefully it goes a little more smoothly this morning than last time, when I lost Wyatt. I do love our church so much. It's time to get ready :)

Happy Sunday y'all!

Infertility and it's effects on my marriage

It seems that anyone who knows I'm having marital problems who also knows that I've had infertility problems (I still REALLY hate that word) seems to ask if one has anything to do with the other.

I certainly can't begin to pretend to know how any other couple reacts to infertility. Or anything else, for that matter. When I look back, after the last negative test, is when I really started to care less about my marriage, and, let's be honest here, pay more attention to outside influences. I never really put the 2 together until now. I had always sworn, once I knew getting pregnant wasn't going to be as easy as I thought, that we wouldn't be one of those couples. And really, I didn't think the negative tests affected me that much...I mean, for me, that was the norm. When I let myself believe I saw a 2nd line, even when Randy saw it, I was so excited, but still felt like it was too good to be true (Being right all thetime is sooo overrated)

So now I'm sitting here wondering if that's not what drove a wedge. Or, well, at least what allowed me to open my mind up to other possibilities. I really do struggle with this. I mean, I am Christian, and I really don't believe divorce should be an option, with a few rare exceptions. I really do feel like maybe I should try harder to make it work. I think that if I do, I will keep it from him. I just don't want to get his hopes up to crush them. This will mean that I have to watch what I expose myself too.

Every marriage has trouble. I think that if you are ready to leave at the first sign, then that's not fair. That defeats the purpose of marriage to begin with. We had some minor problems, and did fine. But the first major problem...not just being "infertile" but actually having infertility treatments NOT work, well...that's pretty major, especially when it's something we both wanted more than anything.

I say we both wanted it. Really? I know I did. I can't say that I know he did. Maybe I'm fooling myself. Knowing that, financially, the treatments aren't an option now, I can focus on us and what we have, vs what I wish we had.

How does this affect my eggs? (Ha ha...the metaphorical ones, not the anatomical ones) Well...honestly, I think part of me has been listening to how other people's eggs taste. Not just significant others', but even girl friends, or people who write articles for women's magaizines. I mean, if this lady writes about how her heart still skips a beat when her husband walks in the room...then something must be wrong with my marriage if that doesn't happen.

Now that he's working, and I know what I can do to change some things, maybe it will get better. Maybe not. But I think I owe it to myself, my marriage, and God to try.

Attempting this whole blogging at night thing....

Maybe it will be more interesting? Who knows. I would like people to note this is THREE blogs in one day! HA! Betcha never thought I could do it did you? Of course, if you've read all 3 in one sitting, I probably need to get you some coffee.

Wyatt has a 2 hour delay tomorrow. Really? I can't figure out what for. Pure insanity. There isn't even ice on our cars. Nuts nuts nuts.

So, what is love? I've been told that love is a choice, which would mean you chose who you love. But it's not always that easy. Doesn't there have to be something? I do have kind feelings towards Randy, but...as much as I sometimes wish I did, I dont love him. I've tried, honestly I have. And I know (hope) that we will always be friends. There is no ill will. I just wish I could make it more. But more often than not it seems like we don't even have anything to talk about.

Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be one of THOSE entries.

OH!!! I got ALL the pictures on one of the memory cards uploaded! WAHOO!! They are also organized by album. Tomorrow I will start the other memory card. Progress! And if it wasn't for the fact that I blog about it, and therefore feel accountable, I never would have finished it. So for all you readers out there (both of you!) thanks :)

One of my favorite movies is on....Where The Heart Is. I love this movie. A lot. I shall watch it. Perhaps I will check in with y'all tomorrow!

Yet again...

We have a snow day. Really? There was far more grass than snow yesterday. I guess they don't have the equipment to make sure the roads are safe. This is insane. I'm glad Wyatt's home for another day, but it does mess with my routine. It would be nice if he'd sleep past 5:30 so I could at least have my "me" time in the morning. Ah well. These days won't be here forever. One day he will be all grown up and I'll be wishing for them.

Yesterday I changed my work out a little bit to include boxing. It was fun, but I think my arms are going to fall off. Wyatt went to Granddaddy's, so I used that time to get the work out in. I can't wait until it's not so wet outside and I can go back to walking around the yard.

BWAHAHAHAHA I just let the cats out (At their insistence) and 2 of them went running through the door...and slid across the porch. They stopped, looked at me, and poor things were so confused. It was definitely funny though.

Yesterday I really got to thinking. I wish I could make my marriage work. But how do you change your physical feelings for someone? I don't think you can. I've spent the better part of last year trying. There are a lot of things I wish were different, both on my part and his. But I think if we were to change that much, we'd be different people. That's not fair to either of us. I know divorce isn't supposed to be easy, but I really thought if we were at least friends it would be simple, at least emotionally. It's really not. It still hurts, even though I'm not in love. (And I still firmly believe he's not in love with me, he's in love with marriage)

Oh good grief....

So this morning I woke up to the dog vomiting everywhere. I mean, I'll take that over the boy vomiting, but...I'd really much rather wake up to the rooster that hides in my cell phone that usually wakes me up. Could the boy sleep through the excitement? Of course not! This makes 4 mornings this week he's been up since before 5:30. Hide me. No, wait, don't do that...because that means someone, somewhere, will be counting to 10 before they seek.

So, yesterday...I was uber productive. I did day 1 of my Bible study. I jogged, I did arobics. Oh, and I hula hooped. It was all on the Wii, but it's gotta be better than playing Facebook games. And believe me, I was sore. Yay for a big bath tub. I would have walked laps around my yard, but that freezing rain kept me from doing that. (Finally! A reason for freezing rain) I also uploaded some photos and video from my dad's birthday party. See? Productivity. I am awesome. And modest.

Wyatt got his report card. Now, in Kindergarten, the grading system is different. S is Satisfactory, P basically means progressing toward year end goals, and N is Needs Improvement. I am happy to say Wyatt got all S's, except for 2 P's. And those were in Handwriting, which he had N's for last quarter. Go Wyatt!

The job hunt really isn't going anywhere for now. It's so frustrating. I've applied everywhere I can think of. Once I have a job, Randy is moving back to PA.

Which brings me to another point....Even though the separation is a mutual thing, and I'm the one who brought it up, I still have my doubts. It's so hard. But I know my doubts come from the fact that Randy and I really are friends. There's no bitterness, and I truly believe he feels the same way. Plus, I like my life. I like being a housewife and a room mom for Wyatt's class. But those aren't reasons to stay married, right? I just can't see the physical feelings I have for Randy changing at all. I'm completely happy now, when we are in separate bedrooms. But that's not a marriage. And I know that. I don't want Wyatt to think this is what love looks like. I really do wish we could make it work, but I at least know that we've really tried.

Hi there, remember me?

Well, there's been a lot going on. If you're reading this, then you know why I've been laying low, and why I haven't wanted to post on the family blog.

Well, let's see, I guess I'll get the more serious stuff out of the way. I wish someone had told me that marriages weren't easy, that they take work. A couple of months ago, a good friend of mine told me that you choose who you love. At first I thought she was nuts, but the more I think about it, the more she's right. I believe that you make your day. If you wake up and say "I'm going to have a bad day", then, you're usually right. But if you make the choice to have a good day, then who can stop you? And I'm starting to think that marriage, in the most basic sense, is just like that. Someone, knowing what we were going through, asked me how things were the other day. I gave my basic, generic, "Some days are better than others" response. She told me that all marriages were like that. And I really took the time to think about that, rather than brushing it off. Just because other people appear to always be happy doesn'tmean they are. Every marriage, like every friendship, has bad days. And, I made a commitment to God, my husband, my son, and our families to make this work. Rascal Flatts had released a song called Love Who You Love. It never made sense to me, until now. Love who you are going to love with everything you have. From here on, I CHOOSE my marriage.

OK, onto lighter things :) It's going to be nice again today...and I am so excited. Randy and I haven't had a day off together in a while. So we are taking advantage and going to The Green Dragon. Sounds mysterious, yes? It's a great big Farmers Market in Lancaster. I must have yummy fruits. And I need new sunglasses. So we will bribe Wyatt with the promise of a new fishing pole if he behaves.

I started my very first vegitable garden yesterday. Baby steps....I planted tomato, zucchini, and cucumber seeds. I just did it in one of those greenhouse things that sits on the counter, and I will transplant them to the actual garden nexxt Friday. (Hopefully we will have made the outside garden ready by then!) I'm going with the one project a year idea...And this year it's the garden. Both veggie and flower. I need to figure out what I want to do, and, well, do it. There's so much I want done in the yard, but I will start there. Maybe next year will be the year of the egg hens :)

Needless to say, the fertility stuff has been put on hold. I don't know how long for, I will know when it's right for us to start back in the process. I do want to lose weight first, and, without a doubt, work on our marriage. Some days it seems like everyone around me is pregnant, or has a baby, but I know that's my head making me wonky.

It's the Just Like New weekend...The best consignment sale EVER. I got a TV for Wyatt for his birthday...It's shaped like a firetruck. A friend of mine was saying he wanted one for his son, so we looked online...that sucker retails for 699.00! I paid 35. Bwaha! I think in the fall I will consign some of Wyatt's old clothes. I can't keep them around for the next one. That's a minimum of 6 years! Someone else will get some use out of them, I'm sure.

Alright, I must get my second cup. Tomorrow, I will be blogging from work. So, it will probably be about work. There's a lot on my mind (work, school for Wyatt) I must get it all out. Pity to my readers!

Pure contentment

First of all, let me say....
Happy Birthday, Sean!!!
OK, now that that's been handled :)
As I'm sitting here typing this, I'm getting a preview of every Tuesday and Thursday for the next 2 months. It's 9:00pm, and sprawled out on my living room floor with blankets and pillows are my 4 year old, my 3 year old niece,and 1 year old nephew. Lights are out, Disney movie is on. Life is good. (Mind you, 20 minutes ago, 1 was in time out, 1 was complaining about having to get ready for bed...it's not always this good, but let me document it while it is) Normally this time of night, we'd be fighting with Wyatt about staying in his bed. But now, with 3 kiddos here, we're "forced" to spend some quiet time together. It's nice. Granted, Randy and I aren't into the movie, we're each on our laptops, but hey...we are spending time together as a family, and, I can only hope, getting a glimpse of our future. Right now it's not about what needs to be done tomorrow, who needs to go to the store, what needs to be done before the Open House, the dogs, the chores, but just...relaxing, with family. And really, what can be more important than that?

I think, and I'm saying it here and now for the blogging world (so hold me to it you annonymous readers!) that I'm going to declare a weekly "unplugged" day. One day, every week, we are going to unplug. No computers, no TV, just...us. Think we can do it? We shall see. We've already decided that once we move we won't be hooking up sattelite/cable in the living room at the new house. Yes, there will be a TV, but with a limit of 1 movie a day. We will still have satellite/DVR in our bedroom, for those few shows we just HAVE to watch. The primary show for both of us is 18 Kids And Counting. I have to say, Michelle Duggar is a wonderful inspiration. She keeps herself calm, I have NEVER seen her yell, she has tremendous faith, and those kids are the most well behaved children I've seen. Granted, we dont' know how they behave when the cameras stop rolling, but I don't think that's an act.

Anyway, I digress. Family really is the most important thing. I think we all need to take some time to sit back and remember that. Noone knows what tomorrow will bring, and don't we all want to be able to say that those we love won't ever have to question how we feel?

Speaking of which....(and this is NOT directed at my husband, for the record) Husbands, don't just tell your wives you love them. You have to show them. Make them feel pretty. Because they desesrve it. And your children desesrve to know what love is. Being a good parent is more than providing tangible things. It's also teaching your children what love and happiness is. And the best way to teach a child is to show them. Whatever it takes, show your child true love and happiness. Sometimes being a good parent means giving up the things other people see as sources of security in order to find that happiness. We are examples for our children, and we need to behave as such.
*Disclaimer...I am not advocating living in a cardboard box to "find yourself"....I am just saying to follow your heart. Everything else will fall into place

So very very blessed

There are some times that I look around and just cannot believe how truly blessed I am. To say that I haven't always made the best decisions would be putting things pretty mildly. Yet, all of those decisions have brought me where I am.
I have the most amazing husband. He loves Wyatt just like he was his own. If it wasnt' for the blonde hair and blue eyes Wyatt has and the fact that Randy and I have dark features, you would NEVER guess that Wyatt isn't biologically Randy's. That offers a security to me that is invaluble. This morning all I've heard are giggles from Wyatt. I used to dream of the day when my son would have a father to love him, someone to play with him, make him laugh, and teach him how to be a man. I couldn't have asked for someone better. And the bonus? He loves me too.
Randy is one of those rare husbands who not only wants his wife to stay home, but he understands and appreciates both what I give up (gladly) to do so, and how much I do around the house. That's not to say that there aren't days I put on a movie for Wyatt and immerse myself in something totally non-productive, but that's becoming the exception. Randy goes out of his way to make me happy and keep me comfortable. I try to do the same for him, I can only pray that I'm successful.