Infertility and it's effects on my marriage

It seems that anyone who knows I'm having marital problems who also knows that I've had infertility problems (I still REALLY hate that word) seems to ask if one has anything to do with the other.

I certainly can't begin to pretend to know how any other couple reacts to infertility. Or anything else, for that matter. When I look back, after the last negative test, is when I really started to care less about my marriage, and, let's be honest here, pay more attention to outside influences. I never really put the 2 together until now. I had always sworn, once I knew getting pregnant wasn't going to be as easy as I thought, that we wouldn't be one of those couples. And really, I didn't think the negative tests affected me that much...I mean, for me, that was the norm. When I let myself believe I saw a 2nd line, even when Randy saw it, I was so excited, but still felt like it was too good to be true (Being right all thetime is sooo overrated)

So now I'm sitting here wondering if that's not what drove a wedge. Or, well, at least what allowed me to open my mind up to other possibilities. I really do struggle with this. I mean, I am Christian, and I really don't believe divorce should be an option, with a few rare exceptions. I really do feel like maybe I should try harder to make it work. I think that if I do, I will keep it from him. I just don't want to get his hopes up to crush them. This will mean that I have to watch what I expose myself too.

Every marriage has trouble. I think that if you are ready to leave at the first sign, then that's not fair. That defeats the purpose of marriage to begin with. We had some minor problems, and did fine. But the first major problem...not just being "infertile" but actually having infertility treatments NOT work, well...that's pretty major, especially when it's something we both wanted more than anything.

I say we both wanted it. Really? I know I did. I can't say that I know he did. Maybe I'm fooling myself. Knowing that, financially, the treatments aren't an option now, I can focus on us and what we have, vs what I wish we had.

How does this affect my eggs? (Ha ha...the metaphorical ones, not the anatomical ones) Well...honestly, I think part of me has been listening to how other people's eggs taste. Not just significant others', but even girl friends, or people who write articles for women's magaizines. I mean, if this lady writes about how her heart still skips a beat when her husband walks in the room...then something must be wrong with my marriage if that doesn't happen.

Now that he's working, and I know what I can do to change some things, maybe it will get better. Maybe not. But I think I owe it to myself, my marriage, and God to try.