So much...where to begin?

I still struggle with how honest I want to be in my blog. Well, let me rephrase that. What I post is always honest. I guess I mean that I struggle with how much to share. I have no shame, and really don't see the sense in hiding anything, but at the same time I don't want my personal fears to get all twisted, or made to be something other people can laugh over. Just a random thought before my real post.

So, tonight begins a new adventure for me. Our church is starting a new (for us) program on Wednesday nights. We're changing to Journey Kids. I've been asked to be one of three group leaders for the 4th grade girls' class. I'm a little nervous. I don't know that I'm the right person to lead ANYONE spiritually. But after a lot of prayer, I do feel that it's the place I should be right now. I'm definitely nervous about it, but so happy that the Children's Ministry leader at my church felt it was something I can do. There are a lot of guidelines to follow, so that's helpful. I'm still crazy nervous though!

There's been a lot going on with Wyatt lately. He's not adjusting to all the changes nearly as well as I had originally thought. Last night some things came to light, and I'm not proud of how I had been handling things prior to that. Needless to say, some of the things he told me have me wanting to be a much better mom. I'm going to his school today to speak with his guidance counselor. I didn't realize how stressed the poor kiddo was. I can't change how anything's happened leading up to now, I can only change how they are from here out. And believe me, I'm changing them! I definitely need to make him a bigger priority. I mean, he's ALWAYS my biggest priority, but lately I haven't really shown it. I've been so tired and cranky, and it's really affected him. So now we have a family rule that for a minimum of half hour on weekdays we are doing something together that doesn't involve technology. Playing catch, board games, reading, whatever. Sounds so simple, right? Well, oddly enough, that hasn't so much happened. We are also going to be eating dinner at the table together EVERY night. And we're going back to "unplugging" on Sundays. No technology, just family. I think I've let him forget how important he really is to me. After a little scare we had last night, I can't let that happen again. And I won't. I'm just glad everything came to light before it got too late. If I can take anything away from this, it's not to take your kids for granted. Just because they seem to be dealing with things well, doesn't always mean they are. Not my proudest Mommy moment, but there it is.

Can you see me now?

Well, I took the boy to the eye doctor Monday night. His right eye is great! He has 20/20 vision. His left eye not so much. That one is at 20/200. My heart sank when he was reading the letters on the wall, and he couldn't read more than the 2nd line. I was sitting there thinking it had to be a joke. I mean, those letters are HUGE. But, no, he's legally blind in that eye. The eye dr then did that whole "better one, better two" thing. At best, with glasses, the boy's vision will get to 20/60. So, he's excited to be getting glasses. One side will basically be glass, the other lens will have a strong prescription. The dr tried to convince me he's a good candidate for contacts because of that, and I said "He's 6! No way!"

The boy will also have to wear an eye patch over his good eye for 2 hours a day once the glasses do come in. (Arrrr Mateys!) He can't do it now, because then he wouldn't be able to see at all. The hope is that it will force his bad eye to work.

It may improve over time. It may not.

Having such poor vision in one eye does mean that his depth perception is off. That can explain why it's been so difficult to get him to write neatly and observe spaces when writing.

One of my best friends kept asking if I was ok with everything. I just kept thinking "Of course! Lots of kids need glasses" But last night I couldn't sleep, so I tried remembering what the term the doctor used was. I wanted information. I couldn't find it, but what I did find out is that if the sight in the other eye never gets better with correction, he won't be able to get a CDL. No big deal. Unless your child has only ever wanted to be a firefighter. Even now typing that I get a little teary.

But...I'm going to look at it this way. Who knows where technology will be in 10 years? I don't think 15 years ago anyone saw Lasix as a possibility. 10 years from now? Just imagine the possibilities. And my kid is AMAZING. I bet he does get better with corrective lenses.

And if not? He's still awesome, and he's still my son, and he can still have or do anything. This is just a minor thing, and so many have it so much worse. He will NEVER know that he's missing out on anything...because he won't be.

For anyone who is wondering why I drink coffee....

This is what the boy said in a matter of 2 seconds:

"Mom, I'm not wearing underwear! I need a pair. Hey, that rhymes. Did you know pear is actually a fruit? Hail to the Ravens!"

I love the boy. If for no other reason, than for the comic relief.

To expand on my last post...

I genuinely am thankful for the new perspective I have now. I had taken childbearing for granted. I know I've said it before...but today, I looked at my son and thought "Wow. He was never supposed to exist" And I am so unbelievably grateful and blessed to have him. (He was conceived using TWO methods of birth control) How can I be angry with God when I have those beautiful blue eyes to look into? Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Sure, some days he makes me nanners, but I love every moment. I love when he knows I'm not feeling well, and he rubs my back. I love how sweet and gentle he is with animals. I love how he is always making me laugh. I love how amazing he is. I love how his whole face lights up when he's excited. I love how he's such a....boy. And I love God for blessing me with such an amazing person I'm proud to call my son.

Rough night

Boy, last night we did NOT have a good night. Wyatt cried for close to an hour, and believe me, I was crying right along with him. He's terrified that I'm going to move away from him too. No matter how much I promised him that I wouldn't leave, that I would ALWAYS be with him, he was just....heartbroken. The worst part is that I don't know if Randy even knows if he wants to still be in Wyatt's life, so I can't promise him that Daddy will always love him. Even if it's like a bandaid, I can't lie to my son. It will only be worse in the long run.

I admit...I'm at a loss. I don't know how to handle this. When my parents divorced, I took it in stride. We are in the Bible Belt. Only one of Wyatt's friends has divorced parents, and they live very few miles apart. This is such a new thing to Wyatt. I don't know how to reassure him. I know that, really, it's just going to take time and prayer, but I'm so terrified that this will affect him long term. I mean, look at it this way, his biological "father" has nothing to do with him, and the only man he's ever known as Daddy is leaving too. That's gotta stay with a kid. Granted, he doesn't really ever talk about his bio dad, but I remember him telling me that he was sad because his real dad threw him away. He's smart. I've never spoken a word about bio dad in front of him, much less EVER said he threw him away, but Wyatt picks up on stuff. How do I boost his self esteem? How do I reassure him that *I* will ALWAYS be there?

I spent a lot of last night in prayer. I know that noone can really tell me how to walk this path with Wyatt. I never in a million years thought the divorce would affect him like it has. I know that with the help of friends, and lots of prayer, we will get through this. God is good, and He has my back!

These songs really help me: Mandisa: He Is With You and Casting Crowns Praise You In This Storm

Mornin' y'all

We've had a busy few weeks around here. Then again, when don't we?

Wyatt and I went to the beach last weekend with a good friend. We had SO much fun. Wyatt built his first sand castle. He was AMAZED when he took the bucket away and there was a turret! At 5 (and a half, thank you very much) there is still so much that amazes this little guy, and I love to watch his face light up every time it happens. I've missed out on so much before, and I feel like God has given me Wyatt to at least make up for it a little bit. I'm definitely trying harder. We went with an old friend, and it's so nice to stay in touch and that we can pick things up.

Today Wyatt has a field trip. The school library is taking the top 10 readers from Wyatt's grade to Chuck E Cheese. Wyatt is over the moon about it. I love that he's getting positive reinforcement from the school for academics. A lot of people have said the school focuses so much on academics. (This IS the South) I've really been trying to make sure he knows that I'm proud of him, and that I believe he can have the moon if he wants it. He's so smart, and he really can do anything. I hope I've done a good job letting him know that.

I have off all week, Dr Jones is in Mexico. So I have no excuse for not blogging! (Well, except I vow to get this house spotless. Really, I will. And I will plant a garden. Uh huh. I'm gonna do it!)
It's hard to believe that in 2 weeks Randy will be back in PA full time. He's up there now tying up loose ends. I get a little nervous, thinking about doing it all on my own again. I know I can do it. It's just a matter of giving myself limits and rules and sticking to them. Like a budget. I DONT WANNA BUDGET. But, I can. And I will. If for no other reason than to prove to myself that I can do it.

'Scuse me, have you seen my motivation?

I seem to have misplaced it. I got the kitchen clean this morning. And I was almost motivated buuut then I sat down. And apparently my motivation ran far far away. Even Mr. Keurig hasn't seen it.

Know what I love? That, when Wyatt prays, he just talks to God. He says what's on his heart. He remembers to be thankful in his prayers before he asks for stuff. Although, as much as it hurts, he's asking for a baby brother again.

Isn't anyone on their way here to help me clean? Pleeeeease?

Yesterday, we were sitting on the back porch watching the lightening and listening to thunder. Then the clouds started...well, acting funny. When your town gets flattened by an F5, you tend to be more cautious about clouds and storms. I got nervous enough to take Wyatt over to dad's. Well, as it turns out, the next town over had a tornado. I don't even know if it touched down, but still...it's scary. *Makes mental note to check homeowners insurance*

Wyatt got upset with me today. He said he was mad that I didn't come to his class' Easter party. I told him I really wanted to be there, but I had to work. "But mommy, you never come to anything anymore. All the other moms were there" Not that I believe THAT, but it still hurt all the same :( I hate that I have to work. I hate that I can't be there for all that stuff with his class, and I REALLY hate that it's affecting him

Yeah, I know, I know

It's been a little bit since I've blogged. I've made more time for my Bible Study in the morning, so there has been less time for the computer.

I know I might be speaking too soon, but work really has been going WONDERFULLY this week. Perhaps the doctor is in a better mood after spending a few days in Disney. Let's hope that's the case anyway. And let's hope that better mood lasts a good while.

Wyatt's behavior at school has gone downhill. A lot. I do think some of that has to do with me not being home, and I was afraid of this. But we will adjust. Lots of kids have moms who work. And I think, in the long term, it really will be better. I will be happier, and that will reflect in him. Plus, he's just at that age. I do think our time together has more quality to it now than it did before. Plus, lately, it seems that he's getting up as early as I am, so he's tired. And that certainly doesn't improve his behavior at all. Yesterday, he got home from school, and within 5 minutes he was sleeping. He doesn't take naps. Ever. I'm half tempted to keep him home from school today to give him a day to just regroup, but he has a 3 day weekend coming up. However, I am letting him sleep as late as he wants. Normally by now he would have been up for half hour. He's still out. I'm letting him stay that way. Poor kiddo. Once he gets up, he's not going to be rushed getting ready for school either. He needs to just take his time. I feel rotten for the poor kiddo.

I've been slacking on tracking points since I've been working. It's so easy to just grab lunch with the other girls. Well, maybe no easy, but definitely more fun. I need to get back in my groove. And I need to start working out again. I just felt so much better. I'm excited because it's supposed to be in the 70s for the next couple of days, so we are going to get out and do stuff. Maybe Saturday I will even take Wyatt to the beach. We won't be able to get in the water, but it will be nice to be there. Just to take it all in. I'll have to check the weather.

Who tells you how to discipline your child?

Today marks the one year anniversary of a tragic death, that of Lydia Schatz, who died from kidney failure. She was beaten and abused, at the advice of Michael and Debi Pearl. They claim to do this biblicly based discipline. It's NOT discipline, it's torture. My heart absolutely breaks thinking about what this girl and her sister went through. You can read about it, and other Pearl heartbreaks here: http://whynottrainachild.com/2011/02/05/schatz-one-year/

Stories like this make me wonder...what is wrong with us, as a society, that we'd rather listen to the media and "experts" than our own instincts? God gave us, especially mothers, these instincts for a reason. I know some moms who hear a child cry, and they desperately want to soothe their child, but don't, because "So and so says it will set them back". When does love set a child back? Why do parents/caregivers listen to some stranger rather than their heart? Personally, I'd rather my son grow up secure in knowing that I will love him no matter what, as Jesus loves me. How can abuse be considered Godly? How does someone justify beating their child, and then turn around and tell them that God doesn't punish us when we mess up, He loves us?

I am the expert of my child. No one else, certainly not some book or website.

How do you keep your children safe?

I do everything I can to keep my son safe. He's 5 and still in a carseat with a 5 point harness. I don't put his coat on in the car, at least not under his harness. I taught him to look both ways before he crosses the street. He knows his address and phone number and how to call 911. He even knows how to use a fire extinguisher. (Although that's more his obsession with fire fighters than safety) We have a fire escape plan. He wears a helmet when he rides his bike. I like to think that we are pretty safe.

So what do I do next? Am I supposed to keep him away from all the government institutions? It's not only the fear of him being hurt, but seeing something no child should ever have to see. I know that when we chose to move here, part of it was a safety and security issue. But no place is safe or completely crime free. How do you let your child be a child and have fun and learn things and have new experiences? I want to keep him in bubblewrap and a blind fold and never take him out of the house. That's not a childhood. I can't shelter him too much, I want him to have a love for learning that only comes from getting off your hiney and getting out of the house. I want him to experience history in a way that can only be done by visiting monuments and historical sites. But what do you do when you fear that those very sites are potential targets? Where is the balance? How do I keep him safe without making him more afraid?

A very beautiful young lady lost her life at 9 years old. She wanted to know more about the legislative process, and she was murdered. It almost makes it more tragic because of her birthday. 9-11-01

I know the only thing we can do is live life. We use caution, but we still live. Because to hide in our homes and live in fear means the bad guys win. And as Wyatt will say, "We gotta get those bad guys, Mom!"

It's go time!

Well, today is the most important day for the whole process (thus far) We are on our way to Columbia for the IUI. (Yes, I'm blogging on the way there. This morning was hectic...helloooo...it's only 5:30) As much as I love y'all, at this point the blog is more for me to remember how I felt during this whole process than it is to keep you informed.

And, how do I feel, you ask? I'm not at all nervous. Last night when I went to bed, I was surprised not to be nervous, and expected to wake up wanting to hurl. Oddly enough, that's not the case. Well, I guess it really isn't odd. I feel like I've been praying constantly this cycle, especially since the follicle scan on Saturday. I'm always saying prayers in my head, and I wholeheartedly believe that has made such a huge difference. I have such a peace about everything, because I know it's in God's hands. Saturday night we had Ladies Night at church, and I know I've got that wonderful group of women lifting me in prayer. So, I'm not at all nervous. And didn't the doctor say the most important thing I could do is relax? If these little twinges in my lower abdoman would go away, that would help, but I kinda like knowing that stuff's going on down there.

Someone asked me how I could say that I'm leaving it in God's hands when I'm using medical science to get pregnant. Well, there is the obvious...He gave them the knowledge and tools. Plus, it's still not an exact science. I mean, there's no way of knowing exactly how many eggs I have, or guaranteeing that they will fertilize or "stick" once they do. That is all up to God. Otherwise, why does this work for some people and not for others? Not that I dont credit Dr Whitman at all....but God also has a part in all this

So, speaking of relax...Last night Wyatt was in his room, and one of those Sense and Spray things was in there (It had been in the guest room, I guess the turd moved it) Anyway, it sprayed right in his eye. There was so much commotion trying to figure out what had happened. I originally thought he hit his eye on the corner of a box. Once I figured out what it was, I carried him to the sink and tried to pour water in it. That didn't go over well. I've never heard such shrill screams coming from a child that small. I knew (hoped) if he'd just open his eyes, it would help. After what seemed like forever, but in reality was 20 minutes or so, just as we were getting ready to go to the ER, I got an idea (The only reason we didn't go in sooner was that there were tears coming out of his eye, so it was flushing) My poor cat...I scooped him up, and made him dance like a puppet across the table. Wyatt opened his eyes to see it, and started laughing. Poor Bailey was doing kicks worthy of Broadway. Can I just tell you how great it feels to hear Wyatt laugh?

I feel like we should be at the doctor's already. It's over 90 minutes away, but I just wish we would get there. Actually, I don't. I'm at so much peace right now, I'm afraid of what I will be feeling after the fact. Even though we don't have to, Randy and I decided I'm pretty much gonna stay in bed today. I just don't want to look back and say "what if". Yay, it's Pamper Mommy Day!! Although, I am kinda bummed to miss Wyatt's soccer game tonight. There will be more, I know.

I dont' know if it's all in my head or not, but I definitely feel "something" going on down there. I guess so, with the possibility of 5 eggs. Thank God she put me on the lowest does of Clomid!

Alright, time to sign off. Gonna read and immerse myself in someone else's life, even if it is fictional

Going to Hershey

I am SO proud of Wyatt. As all moms know, we never stop loving our children. But there are times when you just...appreciate them more.

Every night before bed we say prayers. First we say the "Nite nite prayer", then the Our Father. We finish by thanking God for what He has given us, then asking Him for what we want. I have never told Wyatt some things are better to ask for than others. I want him to think he can talk to God like He's a friend. Last night, he thanked God for his house, his parents, and his friends. Then my sweet little boy remembered a conversation he had overheard that morning about a good friend of ours who has been down on his luck lately. It was a very brief conversation, but one that made an impression, apparently. He then asked God to help Mr. Rust (Russ) have cars that worked. I have never been more proud of my son than I was then.

Last night Wyatt also did a big thing. For the first time in MONTHS he fell asleep in his own bed BY HIMSELF! He still woke up in the middle of the night and crawled in bed with me (Randy was at work). But still...that was a major step! So, we are going to the Hershey outlets today to go to the Disney Store to get a toy. Maybe we will even go to Chocolate World for lunch. (They have the BEST bread in the Kit Kat Cafe) And if mom gets some chocolate? Well, all the better :)

Some days it would be so hard to figure out ways that I'm NOT blessed.

I'm a Mom.

Ask my son, he'll tell you. I used to be a "worker". I used to be a firefighter. I used to be an EMT. Now, according to him, I'm "just a mom".

Before I got sick, when I was still working, Randy and I had discussed whether I would stay home once we got married. We knew we wanted to try for kids right away, and while pregnant women can certainly function well on an ambulance, it's not the most comfortable career with an extra 20 pounds added on. Randy grew up with a mom who was always home, and he wanted that for his children. Plus, we can both easily admit that I am better at keeping house than he is. We can afford it, and Randy said that if money ever got tight, he would happily take on a 2nd job. Sounds great, right? Well, first of all, I had issues with him working 2 jobs while I (in my mind at the time) didn't work. Secondly, I'd been an EMT for 14 years. I felt that a lot of my identity was tied up in being an EMT. How do I walk away from that? Well, we prayed about it. Shortly thereafter I was told I could never work as an EMT again. What a blow. I mean, I can't be "me" again. But, our choice was taken out of our hands. Of course, as most of you well know, we found the issue to be relatively minor, I had surgery, and now I'm better. Can I go back to work? Absolutely.

I get asked all the time "Now that you're better when are you going back to work?" I just smile and tell whoever asked that I'm staying home for now. Really, inside I'm thinking "Have you ever stayed home to take care of a house and 2 dogs and a 4 year old and a husband?" That, in itself, is a full time job, and one I take a lot of pride in.

I used to come home from work to find dishes all over the kitchen, a child who was clingy for my time, and just "stuff" that needed to be done. I never got to come home and be "off". Which was fine. As a single mom for 3 1/2 years, I was used to it. Did things always get done? No. Was I stressed at home? Yes. Did we have time for Wyatt to get to do all the things he wanted to? Not at all.

Now that I'm home, I find myself constantly working. There's always laundry to be done, a floor to be swept, a counter to be wiped off, and, more importantly, a game to be played, a child to love. I often tell people I'm busier now than I was when I worked outside the home. And I am, but also happier and constantly content. And I'm proud of our home. I know at any given moment someone could knock on our door, and I will happily invite them inside (Unless, of course, they are wearing a ski mask and brandishing a gun...But I don't think the HOA would allow that) Now that I'm home, we can have family time, Randy and I have "date night in", Wyatt seems happier and more secure than ever. Sure, there are some things we go without, but never without love.

Now, let's not pretend there aren't days when I'm ready to scream my head off and I want to go on strike in the fort out back. Those days exist, although not often. But I am so incredibly blessed to have a husband who sees those days when they happen, and he encourages me to take time for myself. And I think that's crucial. I see my son blossoming, and I get to be the one to watch him grow. We get to play games together, look for bugs, battle the monsters under the bed. For the first time, I'm really seeing what life is all about. Yes, I can honestly say I used to save people. I loved it, and truly believe I was good at it. But this, what I do now...this is everything.

Now, when someone asks me what I do for a living, I smile, and proudly say "I'm a Mom" There is just no living better than that.

I can't be rescued...I haven't had my coffee yet!

I am a firm believer that every person needs a little bit of time to themselves everyday to "recharge". Usually I get my "me time" first thing in the morning while the rest of the house is sleeping (In the shower you say? Clearly you dont' have young children at home...the sound of the water is an open invitation to them to need something NOW) Typically I use my time to drink my first cup of coffee peacefully and check the internet and maybe even play a game online. Typically that's all I have time to do....but it's enough.
Well...this morning didn't quite turn out that way. It's been a rough week in our house with 2 sick puppies. So I slept in this morning. (Although, since I became a mom, I've discovered sleeping in is a relative term) I woke up at about 6:30, when a foot found it's way into my mouth. Little boy piggies do not make a yummy breakfast. So I quietly pulled myself out of bed, hoping not to disturb the tornado that was still sleeping. My foot touched the floor...and I heard it.
"Mommy, is it sunny outside yet?" Well, there is just no fooling this particular 4 year old, so I conceeded. Down the stairs we came. I have the greatest coffee maker ever...Put the coffee pod in, push a button, and voila...coffee. Fresh, hot, caffinated goodness. Before the coffee maker even had time to make it's first gurgle, I got tackled from behind.
"Mom, the house is on fire, I need to rescue you!" Really? Can't I just have coffee first? C'mon....just 5 minutes for coffee....Just ONE sip? Please? Nope...not today. As I get dragged off to the "safe spot" I gaze longingly at the coffee counter, looking at the steam rise from the cup with Dorothy and Toto on the front and think that, for now, the smell will have to be enough.
I may be setting the alarm tomorrow