My step-mom called today. She's having a yard sale next weekend, and she wanted to know if I wanted her to sell all of the baby stuff that is still in SC. I told her yes, I mean, I clearly have no plans for any of it in the near future.
I hung up the phone, poured a glass of wine, and burst into tears. Logically, I know that selling those things doesn't mean that I'm giving up the idea of ever having another baby. But it does feel like I'm slamming a door on my dream of a big family.Here I am, 32 (ancient in trying to conceive years), single, and "infertile". Not that selling that stuff changes any of that, but it's so...tangible. Right now, I feel hopeless, and mad and full of "it's not fair". Here I am, finally comfortable and sure that I"m a good mom, and....well, I'm not going to have a big family.
I feel like this is forcing me to accept the infertility. I'm acknowledging that another successful pregnancy isn't probable. I think acceptance is overrated. I don't want to accept that another baby isn't going to happen.
I can say that getting rid of those things doesn't mean anything, but it does. It means that I'm moving on to the next chapter of my life. I'm accepting that things aren't what I wanted them to be.
Yes, I am so very very grateful for what I have. Every day my son says or does something that just amazes me and makes me realize how very blessed I am.
But I can't make him a big brother. And that sucks.
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