First of all, I don't find it at all humerous that one of you cats picks on my sweet German Shepherd to the point that she won't walk in or out of a doorway if you are standing anywhere near it. It's certainly not amusing first thing in the morning when she really has to go out. Nor do I find it funny that you will run across the bed out of nowhere in the middle of the night to smack her, making her cry in the corner while she shakes in terror.
Are you enjoying being an outside cat now? Mocha likes that you are, and she is my favorite :)
Love,
Mom
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Moving right along
Well, the blood test was negative. I had my little mini breakdown....the 2 days where, if Wyatt wasn't home, I was in bed. The hardest thing for me in all of this is that I keep applying a label to myself. *Infertile* I just never thought that would be me.
So, we are taking a break. It's a good thing, really. I mean, it hurts, but...it's for the best. (And, be forewarned, if you tell me "oh, now that you're not trying, you'll be pregnant in no time" I may very well strangle you. It's anatomically impossible)
You know, I, of course, have spent many a prayer on this very situation. First it was to get pregnant, then it was for peace in whatever happens, now it's for the next step. (And, yes, there's still that part of me that wants to yell "HELLO God! Can't you hear me? I'm being a good girl and saying my prayers, why won't you answer them?" But, I know that's not the way it works) Anyway, so now that I've been praying for the next step, it seems like every time I turn around there's something about adoption. Now, I'm not saying that's what our next step is, and I'm not quite ready to give up on being pregnant again. But, it's something I'm really looking into and researching. Obviously, I'm very pro adoption, as I have a beautiful adopted niece, and, of course, my hubby was adopted. I just don't know that I"m ready to give up on being pregnant on purpose. I do wish my sister in law and I were closer, so I could talk to her. I wish my mother in law was still alive. I'd love to get their viewpoints on this. (For those who are confused, Randy's dad remarried before I met Randy) Maybe I will send my sister in law an email today.
Anyway, there was something else I was going to write, and now I can't remember what it was.
Lots to do today...gotta clean up around here, make my cooking list for T-Day, do some laundry, look into volunteering at the animal shelter, and get ready for Randy's birthday dinner with my parents tonight. (I even got a baby sitter!!! WAHOO!!!)
So, we are taking a break. It's a good thing, really. I mean, it hurts, but...it's for the best. (And, be forewarned, if you tell me "oh, now that you're not trying, you'll be pregnant in no time" I may very well strangle you. It's anatomically impossible)
You know, I, of course, have spent many a prayer on this very situation. First it was to get pregnant, then it was for peace in whatever happens, now it's for the next step. (And, yes, there's still that part of me that wants to yell "HELLO God! Can't you hear me? I'm being a good girl and saying my prayers, why won't you answer them?" But, I know that's not the way it works) Anyway, so now that I've been praying for the next step, it seems like every time I turn around there's something about adoption. Now, I'm not saying that's what our next step is, and I'm not quite ready to give up on being pregnant again. But, it's something I'm really looking into and researching. Obviously, I'm very pro adoption, as I have a beautiful adopted niece, and, of course, my hubby was adopted. I just don't know that I"m ready to give up on being pregnant on purpose. I do wish my sister in law and I were closer, so I could talk to her. I wish my mother in law was still alive. I'd love to get their viewpoints on this. (For those who are confused, Randy's dad remarried before I met Randy) Maybe I will send my sister in law an email today.
Anyway, there was something else I was going to write, and now I can't remember what it was.
Lots to do today...gotta clean up around here, make my cooking list for T-Day, do some laundry, look into volunteering at the animal shelter, and get ready for Randy's birthday dinner with my parents tonight. (I even got a baby sitter!!! WAHOO!!!)
Monday, November 15, 2010
Here I sit....
having been up since 3 am. Sam apparently swallowed a sock and it didn't agree with him. Guess who heard him throw it up? Ahhh....the life of a mom.
It's really ok though. Another negative home pregnancy test...I used a lot of the time this morning to think, reflect on this weekend, and pray. I have about 10 hours left to hope that I *might* be pregnant, before the doctor's office calls with the blood work results.
I really have so very much to be thankful for. My family is truly blessed. And I'm not even really sad about the pregnancy thing...I'm more numb about it.
This weekend at the Women of Faith conference, they had several speakers. I had been told it would be a funny and emotional weekend. Friday they were HILARIOUS! These people could be comedians! Saturday...well, Saturday was full of tears. I'm not a crier (Unless I"m on hormone medication) Let me preface this by saying that I know myself, and I know I tend to look on the bright side of things. But I knew that, somewhere inside me, there was this devistated woman desperate for a baby. And I knew it was all going to come out, I just didn't know when. There was a woman there doing one woman skits. She was amazing...you forgot there was only one person on the stage. She did one about going to the doctors office for the first tme and confirming a home pregnancy test. There was more to it, it was mostly about dealing with feelings of pregnancy after an abortion she had in her early 20s. When she had her "ultrasound" the sound of a baby's heartbeat filled the colliseum. That devistated woman inside me? She made herself known. I can honestly say that I don't think I've cried that hard in a very long time, if ever. My body shook with sobs. But even in the midst of those tears, I was so grateful to finally have release, and to have it surrounded by women who would support me, hold me up, pray with me, and just make me feel better. I think if I had that breakdown anywhere else, it would have been devistating.
Now I sit here, and I really still feel so emotionally exhausted. There was a lot more that went on this weekend that affected me, but nothing like that. It was such a wonderful weekend, and I feel like I've really made a great bond with one of the women. Elaine and I were roommates, and her son and Wyatt are friends at school. She and I sat up and talked about a lot of things we wouldn't have otherwise been able to. It was really nice. And I did need to let go of all that negativity. I still have a sliver of hope that maybe I might still be pregnant, but I'm realistic enough to know that I'm probably not.
You know what? I really am ok with that. Sure, it hurts a little, and I question if taking a break after this cycle is really what I want to do, but...God has a plan. I know He does. I wish He would clue me in. I know that all of this is just a step in getting me where I'm meant to be. There are a few things swirling around in my brain about what I may or may not do in the coming months. I'm going to be brave and start a diet the week of Thanksgiving. Isn't there some kind of reward for that? There should be. I'm going to work on repairing the relationships that I've accidently put on the back burner for all this craziness. I need to be me again, not some crazed person, always thinking about what's happening in my body. I'm going to re-evaluate my bucket list, and I hope to have a new one by the New Year.
There are a few ideas in my head that I'm not quite ready to share with anyone yet. I need to sort out how I feel about them first. No worries, I will share them with you all eventually. Maybe. If you're lucky
It's really ok though. Another negative home pregnancy test...I used a lot of the time this morning to think, reflect on this weekend, and pray. I have about 10 hours left to hope that I *might* be pregnant, before the doctor's office calls with the blood work results.
I really have so very much to be thankful for. My family is truly blessed. And I'm not even really sad about the pregnancy thing...I'm more numb about it.
This weekend at the Women of Faith conference, they had several speakers. I had been told it would be a funny and emotional weekend. Friday they were HILARIOUS! These people could be comedians! Saturday...well, Saturday was full of tears. I'm not a crier (Unless I"m on hormone medication) Let me preface this by saying that I know myself, and I know I tend to look on the bright side of things. But I knew that, somewhere inside me, there was this devistated woman desperate for a baby. And I knew it was all going to come out, I just didn't know when. There was a woman there doing one woman skits. She was amazing...you forgot there was only one person on the stage. She did one about going to the doctors office for the first tme and confirming a home pregnancy test. There was more to it, it was mostly about dealing with feelings of pregnancy after an abortion she had in her early 20s. When she had her "ultrasound" the sound of a baby's heartbeat filled the colliseum. That devistated woman inside me? She made herself known. I can honestly say that I don't think I've cried that hard in a very long time, if ever. My body shook with sobs. But even in the midst of those tears, I was so grateful to finally have release, and to have it surrounded by women who would support me, hold me up, pray with me, and just make me feel better. I think if I had that breakdown anywhere else, it would have been devistating.
Now I sit here, and I really still feel so emotionally exhausted. There was a lot more that went on this weekend that affected me, but nothing like that. It was such a wonderful weekend, and I feel like I've really made a great bond with one of the women. Elaine and I were roommates, and her son and Wyatt are friends at school. She and I sat up and talked about a lot of things we wouldn't have otherwise been able to. It was really nice. And I did need to let go of all that negativity. I still have a sliver of hope that maybe I might still be pregnant, but I'm realistic enough to know that I'm probably not.
You know what? I really am ok with that. Sure, it hurts a little, and I question if taking a break after this cycle is really what I want to do, but...God has a plan. I know He does. I wish He would clue me in. I know that all of this is just a step in getting me where I'm meant to be. There are a few things swirling around in my brain about what I may or may not do in the coming months. I'm going to be brave and start a diet the week of Thanksgiving. Isn't there some kind of reward for that? There should be. I'm going to work on repairing the relationships that I've accidently put on the back burner for all this craziness. I need to be me again, not some crazed person, always thinking about what's happening in my body. I'm going to re-evaluate my bucket list, and I hope to have a new one by the New Year.
There are a few ideas in my head that I'm not quite ready to share with anyone yet. I need to sort out how I feel about them first. No worries, I will share them with you all eventually. Maybe. If you're lucky
Friday, November 12, 2010
I need this weekend!!
I am going away for the weekend. A group of ladies from my church is going to a Women of Faith conference. I really think I need it for this weekend. There's still a glaring white space where a pink line should be. And, you know, I really think it's for the best. I prayed about it, and I really do feel more peaceful. It's amazing what a difference it makes when I just turn it over to God.
We are on this bus, and I am so happy that we are in SC, because there is no heat! Brrr. It's chilly. And here I was worrying about how to keep my meds cold
This lady that I'm with is such a sweetheart. Her son and Wyatt are good friends. And it's so funny, she reminds me so much of a good friend of mine. She carries herself the same way, she even favors her with her features. So cute.
I'm trying to decide if I want to take a nap or not. I think I might. 3:15 was awfully early to get up this morning.
I'm thinking about doing The Love Dare again. Things wth Randy and I have seemed so awkward lately. I think it's just that we are constantly together. Hopefully now that he's back to work it will really help, even if it's only part time. We had gone so long barely seeing each other because of our work schedules, that to suddlenly be together all the time is...well...a lot. And it doesn't help that I spent the last couple of days in one of those funks that makes it hard for me to even get off the couch. I really need to start being more motivated.
We are on this bus, and I am so happy that we are in SC, because there is no heat! Brrr. It's chilly. And here I was worrying about how to keep my meds cold
This lady that I'm with is such a sweetheart. Her son and Wyatt are good friends. And it's so funny, she reminds me so much of a good friend of mine. She carries herself the same way, she even favors her with her features. So cute.
I'm trying to decide if I want to take a nap or not. I think I might. 3:15 was awfully early to get up this morning.
I'm thinking about doing The Love Dare again. Things wth Randy and I have seemed so awkward lately. I think it's just that we are constantly together. Hopefully now that he's back to work it will really help, even if it's only part time. We had gone so long barely seeing each other because of our work schedules, that to suddlenly be together all the time is...well...a lot. And it doesn't help that I spent the last couple of days in one of those funks that makes it hard for me to even get off the couch. I really need to start being more motivated.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
A very bitter vent
I think I need to get this out. And I won't lie, it's not going to be pretty. I am going to come across as bitter and mean, but I need to let it go.
It's. Not. Fair. If you have a child, and have told me that you effing hate him, I will not be happy when you get pregnant again. Nor will I feel sorry for you when you spend your mornings with your head in the toilet.
Don't you DARE tell me that I need to relax. Once I'm spending over 1,000 per month to get pregnant, relaxing is out the window.
If you've been trying for less than 6 months, don't tell me you know how I feel. You don't. Until you've been told that you need to be treated for infertility, you really don't have a clue.
Don't start suggesting my options. If you don't have access to my medical files, and don't spend an unordinary about of time in my home, you don't know what's best for my family.
I think EVERY baby is a blessing. That being said...if you are in a brand new relationship, and find you're pregnant, don't expect me to want to shout my joy from the rooftops. Just because I will love your baby doesn't mean that I have to love your pregnancy. (Please note, there are some people whose pregnancy I would love. Others, not so much)
Don't tell me I'm lucky my house is so quiet. I'd give anything for it to be loud. I WANT to put my life on hold to take care of a baby.
I wanted, dreamed of, having children close together. That is not possible anymore. Don't expect me to not grieve over the loss of my dreams.
Don't be afraid to tell me you're pregnant. Just be sensitive to the fact that it may not be easy. But trust me, it will be much easier to hear it from you with some care than it will to hear it in public. And if I'm happy, it's genuine.
Ask me how things are going. Believe me, it's always in the back of my mind.
Don't ever assume you know how I feel. I don't always know how I feel.
It's. Not. Fair. If you have a child, and have told me that you effing hate him, I will not be happy when you get pregnant again. Nor will I feel sorry for you when you spend your mornings with your head in the toilet.
Don't you DARE tell me that I need to relax. Once I'm spending over 1,000 per month to get pregnant, relaxing is out the window.
If you've been trying for less than 6 months, don't tell me you know how I feel. You don't. Until you've been told that you need to be treated for infertility, you really don't have a clue.
Don't start suggesting my options. If you don't have access to my medical files, and don't spend an unordinary about of time in my home, you don't know what's best for my family.
I think EVERY baby is a blessing. That being said...if you are in a brand new relationship, and find you're pregnant, don't expect me to want to shout my joy from the rooftops. Just because I will love your baby doesn't mean that I have to love your pregnancy. (Please note, there are some people whose pregnancy I would love. Others, not so much)
Don't tell me I'm lucky my house is so quiet. I'd give anything for it to be loud. I WANT to put my life on hold to take care of a baby.
I wanted, dreamed of, having children close together. That is not possible anymore. Don't expect me to not grieve over the loss of my dreams.
Don't be afraid to tell me you're pregnant. Just be sensitive to the fact that it may not be easy. But trust me, it will be much easier to hear it from you with some care than it will to hear it in public. And if I'm happy, it's genuine.
Ask me how things are going. Believe me, it's always in the back of my mind.
Don't ever assume you know how I feel. I don't always know how I feel.
There's a big white spot
where I want that 2nd line to be. And, for some reason, this month it hurts more than ever before. I've had this sense that things didn't work this month, so I'm not really surprised. And, after this month we are taking a break. Logically, I think it's a good idea, but emotionally, it's hard. A friend actually told me that we should start researching what it takes to put my eggs and Randy's stuff in someone else. I'm not at that point yet! We've only had 2 IUIs! I think we are definitely at the point that I'm just not going to talk to her about it. And, really, maybe waiting is a blessing in disguise. I can use the time we are waiting to lose weight and exercize more. I refuse to let this drag me down. There are positives in every situation!
Yesterday Randy and I went shopping, and aside from a few small things...I'm done Christmas shopping! The only thing I might get still is one of those bigger riding toys for Wyatt, only if it's on sale on Black Friday. I can't believe I don't even need to go Black Friday shopping. That is just weird.
Tomorrow I am leaving for a Women of Faith conference. I am so excited. If there was anytime I needed it, it's now! 2 moms who lost children that go to Wyatt's school are going as well. I think that will help remind me that things could be much much worse.
Who came up with that phrase "lost someone" They aren't lost.
So, after this weekend it's time to look back into diets (grr) and the gym. How exciting.
Yesterday Randy and I went shopping, and aside from a few small things...I'm done Christmas shopping! The only thing I might get still is one of those bigger riding toys for Wyatt, only if it's on sale on Black Friday. I can't believe I don't even need to go Black Friday shopping. That is just weird.
Tomorrow I am leaving for a Women of Faith conference. I am so excited. If there was anytime I needed it, it's now! 2 moms who lost children that go to Wyatt's school are going as well. I think that will help remind me that things could be much much worse.
Who came up with that phrase "lost someone" They aren't lost.
So, after this weekend it's time to look back into diets (grr) and the gym. How exciting.
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