Here I sit....

having been up since 3 am. Sam apparently swallowed a sock and it didn't agree with him. Guess who heard him throw it up? Ahhh....the life of a mom.

It's really ok though. Another negative home pregnancy test...I used a lot of the time this morning to think, reflect on this weekend, and pray. I have about 10 hours left to hope that I *might* be pregnant, before the doctor's office calls with the blood work results.

I really have so very much to be thankful for. My family is truly blessed. And I'm not even really sad about the pregnancy thing...I'm more numb about it.

This weekend at the Women of Faith conference, they had several speakers. I had been told it would be a funny and emotional weekend. Friday they were HILARIOUS! These people could be comedians! Saturday...well, Saturday was full of tears. I'm not a crier (Unless I"m on hormone medication) Let me preface this by saying that I know myself, and I know I tend to look on the bright side of things. But I knew that, somewhere inside me, there was this devistated woman desperate for a baby. And I knew it was all going to come out, I just didn't know when. There was a woman there doing one woman skits. She was amazing...you forgot there was only one person on the stage. She did one about going to the doctors office for the first tme and confirming a home pregnancy test. There was more to it, it was mostly about dealing with feelings of pregnancy after an abortion she had in her early 20s. When she had her "ultrasound" the sound of a baby's heartbeat filled the colliseum. That devistated woman inside me? She made herself known. I can honestly say that I don't think I've cried that hard in a very long time, if ever. My body shook with sobs. But even in the midst of those tears, I was so grateful to finally have release, and to have it surrounded by women who would support me, hold me up, pray with me, and just make me feel better. I think if I had that breakdown anywhere else, it would have been devistating.

Now I sit here, and I really still feel so emotionally exhausted. There was a lot more that went on this weekend that affected me, but nothing like that. It was such a wonderful weekend, and I feel like I've really made a great bond with one of the women. Elaine and I were roommates, and her son and Wyatt are friends at school. She and I sat up and talked about a lot of things we wouldn't have otherwise been able to. It was really nice. And I did need to let go of all that negativity. I still have a sliver of hope that maybe I might still be pregnant, but I'm realistic enough to know that I'm probably not.

You know what? I really am ok with that. Sure, it hurts a little, and I question if taking a break after this cycle is really what I want to do, but...God has a plan. I know He does. I wish He would clue me in. I know that all of this is just a step in getting me where I'm meant to be. There are a few things swirling around in my brain about what I may or may not do in the coming months. I'm going to be brave and start a diet the week of Thanksgiving. Isn't there some kind of reward for that? There should be. I'm going to work on repairing the relationships that I've accidently put on the back burner for all this craziness. I need to be me again, not some crazed person, always thinking about what's happening in my body. I'm going to re-evaluate my bucket list, and I hope to have a new one by the New Year.

There are a few ideas in my head that I'm not quite ready to share with anyone yet. I need to sort out how I feel about them first. No worries, I will share them with you all eventually. Maybe. If you're lucky