Randomness

First of all, my last post was a bit...sad, needless to say. I guess with it being our anniversary, it just was a tangible reminder. I do have faith that we will have more children, if that's God's plan. If it's not, I am so blessed to have my amazing son. It was just a really bad day.

I've really been doing a lot of thinking about our curriculum for this year. According to SC law, I do have to teach certain subjects. There's nothing that says how much time needs to be spent, outside of meeting an attendance requirement. Because math is so "logical" and something that you really need to build on, I will do Saxon. The problem is that Wyatt is about halfway through the 2nd grade level. So I may just get 2nd grade and take it slow. If we finish, we will move on to 3rd. That's the great part about this. We do what works for us. As far as the other subjects, he is going to learn SO MUCH of that in daily life. I'm going to make a list of educational goals twice a quarter, and each day I will have a checklist to help us stay on track. At the end of the day, as long as what's on that list has been accomplished, I will be happy. And if not, there's always tomorrow. A friend reminded me of something...one of the reasons I'm doing this is I want Wyatt to know that learning can, and should, be FUN!

Here is an awesome quote I read today:

‎"Homeschooling is all about finding the heartbeat of your family and following that pace—not your neighbor’s, not your best homeschooling buddy’s, and not the grade level expectations for your child’s age." -Sarah Small

I knew it was a matter of time...

....before I crumbled.

I've been hyper emotional the past week or so. I really thought I might be pregnant. Obviously, I'm not. I was doing ok with it, or so I thought.

I'm sitting here on my 2nd anniversary. DH and I always wanted a big family. I should have a toddler and a baby. We should have been able to experience a pregnancy together. I should have a house full of kids and noise. I'm not one to cry or show much emotion very often. Yet, I'm sitting here sobbing.

I try to laugh my way through a lot of it. I mean, if I don't laugh, I'll cry. I don't like crying. Well, today, I just want to curl up in a ball and sob until I just can't cry anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I'm obviously thrilled to have my 6 year old. But I want more.

I've really been doing very will with "It will happen, Godhas a plan, I'm grateful that I've been given this gift so I can appreciate pregnancy more"

Well, darn it, I don't want to appreciate being infertile anymore. I want a belly. I want a bundle in my arms. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I think my heart somehow knew that our anniversary was coming up. Although it's not our TTC anniversary (we actually started 3 months before we got married), it's still such an in your face kinda day.

My poor 6 year old walked in while I was writing this and crying. He asked me what was wrong. We don't hide things from him, we just explain it to him on his level. So I told him I was sad that we don;t have a baby brother or sister for him. Then my poor child had to deal with Mommy crying on his shoulder. He looked at me and said "It's ok mommy, let's just go sprinkle some baby dust on you". God love him.

I think I've just really been working up to this. I've been wondering why I was so emotional. I guess this is it. I hate it.I hate my body. I hate the doctors that butchered my cervix. I hate that I can't give my husband the gift of knowing what it's like to raise a child from infancy. I hate that I get so mad at people who complain about being pregnant.

I will NEVER regret my son. EVER. Or the daughter that doesn't even know me anymore. But I am so angry that I could have them so easily, and take them for granted.

My uterus is empty. And that makes my heart hurt.

Why I chose to homeschool

Homeschooling has been on my heart for several years. In fact, I've homeschooled for a few months in the past. (When Wyatt was in preschool) I had decided to homeschool Wyatt in Kindergarten. Well, then we moved to SC, and I was concerned about Wyatt meeting other kids, since I really didn't know anyone, and didn't know of any way to have him meet kids his age, aside from church. And we didn't have a church at the time. So, after carefully weighing the options, we chose a private, Christian school for Wyatt. SC public schools simply weren't an option for us.

For obvious reasons, I have nothing against traditional schools. There are many many wonderful schools. In my opinion, what really makes a school wonderful isn't the budget, or curriculum, or even really test scores. It's teachers. Teachers can truly make or break a school. I know some wonderful teachers. (In fact, I'm related to 2...one by marriage, and one by everything but blood)

Unfortunately, our experience at Wyatt's school last year did NOT include an encounter with a teacher like that. Wyatt, who I of course believe is incredibly smart, routinely got bored in class. Despite numerous suggestions on my part of ways to keep him entertained when he was done with his work, his teacher said that he was fine. Well, I have numerous examples of him getting in trouble once his work was done and he was given nothing else to do. But, even that alone wasn't reason enough for me to pull him out. Wyatt is a very active boy, and when his teacher suggested ADHD testing, it was the straw that broke this Momma's back.

I just believe, with every iota of my being, that homeschooling is the right decision for our family. I love that we are close knit, and homeschooling fosters that. I love that I can tailor the curriculum to Wyatt's needs. He was the youngest child in his class...but doing math 2 years ahead of his class. He can't skip a grade, then he'd be WAY younger than his peers. I can do what's right for him, and still let him be himself without feeling like his personality makes him a bad kid.

In all honesty, we'd be homeschooling even if we'd had an amazing year with an incredible teacher. The decision is independent of our experience with school, but the experience certainly doesn't do anything to discourage our choice.

Our school day will take 2 hours. I can teach Wyatt to his interests. I don't have to "unteach" him undesirable behaviors that he's learned on the playground. I don't have to worry about him doing things because he's heard about them in school. Yes, Wyatt will be sheltered. He's still a kid, shouldn't I shelter him? That is, after all, my job. Ask a parent whose child is doing drugs or drinking if she wishes she had sheltered that child a little more.

I love my son. I love spending time with him. My heart hurts for the kids whose moms say that they can't wait for school to start. Yes, I have days where I need a break. And those days, he sits on the computer and plays games. Guess what? I can work these games into my lesson plans.

I don't think homeschooling is the best choice for everyone. In fact, I know it's not. Just as I know that it is the best choice for us.

What's in a name?

Well, it's official. Our homeschool has a name. The Covered Bridge Christian Academy. You heard it here first, folks! Well, unless you're in my CafeMom homeschooling group. Or on my facebook. But otherwise....yeah, you heard it here :)

I wanted a name that really meant something to us. Something that somehow reflected tradition, but was special and meaningful. Maybe with a little twist of an inside story.

My father in law is a professor at Messiah College in Grantham, PA. They have a beautiful covered bridge on campus. What better symbol for family and Christian education than something like that?

The bonus is that Randy and I had our Engagement pictures at that bridge. It has even more meaning because of that.

I must say, I'm very proud of our name

I didn't want a roller coaster

So the past few days I've been really emotional. No clue why. I've cried at anything and everything. Yesterday I figured I would take a pregnancy test. Well, I got....an evap line. I mean, that really screws with a person emotionally. I know it was an evap line for sure because I tested again this morning,and it's definitely negative.

People, who try to say the right thing, inevitably end up saying the wrong thing. I know they mean well, but sometimes I really just want to tell them to shove it.

So now, on top of being emotional for some reason (maybe just being stuck in the house), I'm bummed because I had a major sense of hope, and...it's gone.

It doesn't help that there's a girl I feel has made several passive aggressive comments that are directed at me. I try to ignore them, but I can't really ignore her. It's frustrating to say the least. I wish, if she had a problem, she would just say something. I may be reading too much into it, so I'm just patiently waiting to see if yet another thing comes up. If so, I will address it. In the meantime, I just continue to do what's best for our family, and not try to please anyone else. It's a nudge to remember that not everyone is my friend, and to quit expecting to trust someone I haven't known for long.

It's just been a week. I keep doing my best to take comfort in the fact that all of this serves a purpose. God knows what He's doing, and I have to trust Him.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to watch a Baby Story and wallow in my misery.

I love having plans

So...now we have a plan. I love having a plan. I hate not knowing what's going on.

Went to the GYN today for my post op. I got to see pictures of my reproductive organs. They are so pretty and perfect.

My cervix....my cervix is not so pretty. It's well, scarred. The GYN suspects that's why conception hasn't happened.

Randy and I talked some last night. We are definitely going to go back for another IUI. We will wait for September, for 2 reasons. The first...we will have insurance. The second...I really want to be under 200 pounds. I'm not there. I'm definitely closer to there than I was last time. But I want to BE there. I called the RE's office (Reproductive Endocrinologist) and I don't need to do anything other than call them the first day of my cycle when we are ready to start back, since it's been less than a year.

There are 2 things that need to happen before and during my next IUI cycle. The first, we need to do marital counseling. Now, we are in a Sunday Small Group (kinda like Sunday school) that's focused on marriage enrichment. I think if we can really follow that, it may help. I'm going to give it a month, and if I don't see an improvement, it's back to counselling, in addition to the class. But, if we do go the counselling route, it will continue while we are doing infertility treatments. I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back with our marriage before. I would be totally crushed, and hide it. Randy wouldn't tell me anything. My moods were all over the place. I need to make sure history doesn't repeat itself.

The second thing that needs to happen...I need to establish an exercise routine. Obviously, this is slightly delayed. But I don't want to start the treatments until I have one underway. I want to make sure my body is as healthy as possible.

In the meantime, I am charting. I just started yesterday. If you've never charted, here are the bare basics. You wake up, and before you do ANYTHING, you take your temperature. No run of the mill thermometer will work. You need a basal body thermometer. What makes it so special? It measures degrees in hundredths, so you get a more accurate result. You take said temperature FIRST thing in the morning. You don't even get out of bed first. Then you chart it, and your temp pattern (along with monitoring some bodily functions) tells you when you ovulate, and can even possibly indicate pregnancy. If this is something you want to consider, you can find this thermometer in the family planning aisle. Look for the pink and blue box with the happy couple. Also, be prepared...it's not so easy to see teeny numbers in a teeny window, much less remember them pre-coffee.

Oh yeah. And I'm going to cut back on coffee. Yes, I only have one cup now, but it's a travel mug. One 6 oz cup a day. And now it's root beer or water. No other caffeine. However, I'm keeping my M&Ms. Remember? I'm making my marriage work. I need some caffeine, and chocolate. All things in moderation :)

My planner: A work in progress

OK, so here it is, July. School starts next month, so I have GOT to get my planner together. That is my big project for today and tomorrow. I really should have it done today. I'm getting most of my sheets from Donna Young's website.

The cover will be a picture of Wyatt on the first day of school. The first page will be a list of standards required by the state

I plan (haha) to have a section for educational goals for each semester. Just something I can keep my eye on and make sure I'm working towards. Then I will have a section for actual planning. The lesson section will have a grid showing each subject along the side, and the days of the week along the top. Once we complete a task, I will put a sticker in the square. Along the right side of the weekly grid I will have the spelling list for the week. I want to make a reading section with a book log in the front, and book reports behind the log. Otherwise, I think I will save unit tests to go in there. I will keep a field trip log, which will document where we went, educational goals, who went with us, contacts at the location, etc...

This is all still rough in my head. I will post pictures once it's done.

Wyatt will make a scrapbook of all his projects (which will qualify as art! HA!) and between that and my planner, we will have records of everything. 2 binders for a year isn't bad.

I don't wanna hear it (An infertility vent)

I know, I said I was gonna post more. Then I got better pain meds. I've been a little out of it.Rest assured (Because I know you're stressed about it) I've made a list of topics. I haven't given up!

What's really weighing on my mind now, despite that I promised it wouldn't be....my struggle with secondary infertility. Yes, I am so incredibly blessed to have a sticky little boy's hand to hold, and, thank God I don't take a moment of it for granted. But that doesn't mean that secondary infertility doesn't hurt. There's still an ache inside me. I want to know what it's like to see the 2nd line and be excited. I want to experience friends and family screaming with excitement rather than asking me what I'm going to do. I want to relish every kick, every emotion, and yes, every moment of morning sickness. I want that rush when my messy baby is placed in my arms the first time. I want to see my little boy hold a baby brother or sister. I don't want to explain to him that, no, sprinkling baby dust on my tummy won't put a baby in there. I don't want to tell him that Mom and Dad have to go to the Dr that's 2 hours away because that's the only way we will get a baby. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars on something some women say they get every time their husbands look at them. I want a houseful. I want my house to be noisy. No, I'm not lucky that my house is quiet. No, I can't just relax and get pregnant.

And, dammit, I got my hopes up this month. Yes, I know I was crazy to. I mean, why would this month be different. For Pete's sake, I broke my leg the day I ovulated. But somehow, I did. My hopes were up there. And they still kinda are, even though I know better.

I can say this...I don't take Wyatt, or time with Wyatt, for granted like I used to. I wish I had a chance to do my pregnancy and his infancy over again. Those were precious moments that I didn't appreciate. Miraculous moments. I want them back. But I don't take the present moments for granted. I see that as a wonderful gift.

I don't sit here and pretend that I have it any better or worse than any other woman labeled infertile. Some have never been pregnant, some have had multiple miscarriages, and some just can't get pregnant again. I don't think one hurts any more than the other.

We dreamed of having a big family. We would talk about it. My first blog address was based on our future big family.

When your dreams don't come true, it hurts.

I'm broken

I know, I know. I didn't forget about y'all. I've just been...well, broken.

As y'all know, I had surgery last week. Sunday I was feeling GREAT and the pool was finally ready, so a swimming we went! I was getting out of the pool, and somehow, slipped on the ladder. I heard a snap. One ER trip later, I was told I had a broken bone. I broke the bottom of my tibia and, in the process, sprained my ankle. It was too hard to sit at the desktop because it feels SO much better to have my foot up. Our laptop was acting stupid and wouldn't save anything on blogger. Well, this morning I downloaded Google Chrome, and now it's working really well. So, anyway, now I should be back to being able to keep up with the blog.

I went to an orthopedic surgeon yesterday. He took the cast off, said it was applied horribly, and put me in a walking boot. I love the boot...it's a lot lighter. But, my ankle has hurt more since being in it. At least I don't have to worry about getting it wet. When I took a shower with the cast, I used saran wrap, a trash bag, duct tape, and a towel. I kept the cast outside the shower, and it still got soaked.
I'm still off work for another week. I can't bear weight on my foot at all. I go back for XRays in 2 1/2 weeks. I'm trying to stay off the crutches as much as possible. Did you know how many abdominal muscles you use on crutches? Do you know how much abdominal stitches HATE crutches?

Anyway, there are definitely some things I need to blog about. I will be posting more over the next couple of days!

Teen Pregnancy-Why?

First of all, let me just add my little disclaimer here. I don't think all teen moms are bad. I don't think teen moms are any worse than other moms. I think teen moms have awesome potential, both as moms, and as women. I'm not here to quote statistics, just to offer my thoughts. And no, I'm not going to get all preachy about morals. I *try* not to judge, just as I don't want to be judged.

What's got me thinking about this is that I watched The Pregnancy Pact last night. Now now, I'm not going to go on about how I'm bitter...that's not what this is about. I'm no more jealous of teens who get pregnant than I am anyone else. But I really started to think...why is teen pregnancy so much more prevalent now than it was even 10 years ago? I can remember a girl or two who I graduated with (ok, so 15 years ago) that was pregnant or had a baby. But it wasn't common...by far. And let me tell you a secret about those girls. One of them was, not only an honors student, but had already started college. I don't buy into the fact that only "irresponsible" girls get pregnant.

So it can happen to anyone...including one of our children when the time comes. But that still doesn't tell WHY.

As I was watching this movie last night, one of the characters said she joined in the pact because she just wanted to be married with a baby. My first reaction was "Please...you're 15! What do you know?" But then...look at 15 year olds. A lot of them are a lot more grown up than we were. (Ha ha...I sound like my grandmother) But seriously...When I was 15, I didn't have the World Wide Web to introduce me to people, concepts, things that I wasn't ready for. My parents had far more control over what I was exposed to. Yes, I had responsibilities, and I'd like to think I was mature. I mean, at 16, I was riding in the front seat of an ambulance and in charge of patient care. But I don't think I even remotely thought I was ready for a baby. And some of these girls don't seem afraid. They are just completely excited.

I, honestly, blame the media. Not shows like 16 And Pregnant. I don't think the producers romanticize teen pregnancy at all. But look at what else is on MTV. The Real World. "Hey, when you grow up, you can party it up all the time!" Look at the videos. Sex is no longer something to be treasured, it's just another step into adulthood, or even just a way to be accepted. It's talked about all the time on TV. Talk shows, soap operas, even family sitcoms. And have you watched a Disney movie lately? (And why are the ugly people the bad guys? What are we teaching our children there? But that's another blog) But, thanks in part to the media, kids want to be grown ups sooner.

Not to mention that, because sex is EVERYWHERE, it's no longer taboo. Don't get me wrong, I think it's healthy to talk about sex...with someone you trust. As a teenager, yes, ideally, I do mean your parents. Or an aunt or uncle. But not Joe Cool at the lunch table. It's not sacred anymore. It's talked about pretty much whenever you turn on the tv. 50 years ago, it would have been shameful to show cleavage. Now, rather than embarrassing anyone, it just goes unnoticed. It's natural. If we are showing so much, what's left to treasure? What secrets are left? It used to be that a Montgomery Ward catalog was enough to get a boy excited (and embarrassed) But now? That's nothing they can't see walking through the mall.

I think we are forcing our kids to grow up too soon, and I think that's part of the problem. They are striving to do adult things too early, and they are far over exposed to sex. It makes me think that the families that insist on boys wearing shorts no higher than the knees and girls wearing skirts at least below the knee have the right idea.