I knew it was a matter of time...

....before I crumbled.

I've been hyper emotional the past week or so. I really thought I might be pregnant. Obviously, I'm not. I was doing ok with it, or so I thought.

I'm sitting here on my 2nd anniversary. DH and I always wanted a big family. I should have a toddler and a baby. We should have been able to experience a pregnancy together. I should have a house full of kids and noise. I'm not one to cry or show much emotion very often. Yet, I'm sitting here sobbing.

I try to laugh my way through a lot of it. I mean, if I don't laugh, I'll cry. I don't like crying. Well, today, I just want to curl up in a ball and sob until I just can't cry anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I'm obviously thrilled to have my 6 year old. But I want more.

I've really been doing very will with "It will happen, Godhas a plan, I'm grateful that I've been given this gift so I can appreciate pregnancy more"

Well, darn it, I don't want to appreciate being infertile anymore. I want a belly. I want a bundle in my arms. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I think my heart somehow knew that our anniversary was coming up. Although it's not our TTC anniversary (we actually started 3 months before we got married), it's still such an in your face kinda day.

My poor 6 year old walked in while I was writing this and crying. He asked me what was wrong. We don't hide things from him, we just explain it to him on his level. So I told him I was sad that we don;t have a baby brother or sister for him. Then my poor child had to deal with Mommy crying on his shoulder. He looked at me and said "It's ok mommy, let's just go sprinkle some baby dust on you". God love him.

I think I've just really been working up to this. I've been wondering why I was so emotional. I guess this is it. I hate it.I hate my body. I hate the doctors that butchered my cervix. I hate that I can't give my husband the gift of knowing what it's like to raise a child from infancy. I hate that I get so mad at people who complain about being pregnant.

I will NEVER regret my son. EVER. Or the daughter that doesn't even know me anymore. But I am so angry that I could have them so easily, and take them for granted.

My uterus is empty. And that makes my heart hurt.