I don't wanna hear it (An infertility vent)

I know, I said I was gonna post more. Then I got better pain meds. I've been a little out of it.Rest assured (Because I know you're stressed about it) I've made a list of topics. I haven't given up!

What's really weighing on my mind now, despite that I promised it wouldn't be....my struggle with secondary infertility. Yes, I am so incredibly blessed to have a sticky little boy's hand to hold, and, thank God I don't take a moment of it for granted. But that doesn't mean that secondary infertility doesn't hurt. There's still an ache inside me. I want to know what it's like to see the 2nd line and be excited. I want to experience friends and family screaming with excitement rather than asking me what I'm going to do. I want to relish every kick, every emotion, and yes, every moment of morning sickness. I want that rush when my messy baby is placed in my arms the first time. I want to see my little boy hold a baby brother or sister. I don't want to explain to him that, no, sprinkling baby dust on my tummy won't put a baby in there. I don't want to tell him that Mom and Dad have to go to the Dr that's 2 hours away because that's the only way we will get a baby. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars on something some women say they get every time their husbands look at them. I want a houseful. I want my house to be noisy. No, I'm not lucky that my house is quiet. No, I can't just relax and get pregnant.

And, dammit, I got my hopes up this month. Yes, I know I was crazy to. I mean, why would this month be different. For Pete's sake, I broke my leg the day I ovulated. But somehow, I did. My hopes were up there. And they still kinda are, even though I know better.

I can say this...I don't take Wyatt, or time with Wyatt, for granted like I used to. I wish I had a chance to do my pregnancy and his infancy over again. Those were precious moments that I didn't appreciate. Miraculous moments. I want them back. But I don't take the present moments for granted. I see that as a wonderful gift.

I don't sit here and pretend that I have it any better or worse than any other woman labeled infertile. Some have never been pregnant, some have had multiple miscarriages, and some just can't get pregnant again. I don't think one hurts any more than the other.

We dreamed of having a big family. We would talk about it. My first blog address was based on our future big family.

When your dreams don't come true, it hurts.