I knew it would happen eventually....

...I had my "Holy cow, I'm going to have surgery" moment yesterday.

I was finishing up at work and telling the girl I was working with where I had lab stuff, what still needed to be done with a particular issue, and it hit me. It suddenly hit me WHY I had to tell her. And WHY I wouldn't be at work. I'm having surgery. They are going to make me unconscious, invade my body, and (hopefully) remove stuff from it. And it's not just something that's going to happen eventually, it's going to happen tomorrow! (Well, today now) I think it's harder for me this time around because I KNOW that I don't wake up well from anesthesia. At least now I know it, and I can share that valuable piece of info with the nurses. But anyway, I had my little mental break down. In the midst of it, Randy texted me to tell me he has to be at work early, so he couldn't take me to the hospital. Poor man. He didn't know I was falling apart at the moment.

My biggest fear, physically, is that they will nick something while they are in there. Emotionally, I'm afraid that I'm spending 10,000 on this surgery for them to find absolutely nothing. Spiritually...I'm scared that I will be angry at God. For the first time, I finally have that relationship I've heard people talk about. I still think that relationship is a little fragile. I don't want to lose it. Since discovering that I had so many symptoms of Endo, I've had hope. Here's a problem, and, if I have it, they can fix it. I haven't really let myself think that I may not have it. So if I don't....then what is it? Why do I have so much pain? Why can't I get pregnant? What about our dreams of having a big family? How could God let this happen?

That was my biggest prayer yesterday, and today. That God will help me accept the outcome, whatever it may be. If they don't find anything, that I will be able to accept that. There's even some acceptance that will have to happen if they DO find something...I have to accept that, for the rest of my life, when I have a menstrual cycle, it's doing damage to my body. But I can deal with that. I don't know if I can deal with not having answers. It honestly isn't just the infertility. It's the pain that has me doubled over, even after taking twice as much prescription pain relievers. There has to be a reason for that. That isn't cramps. That's got to be indicative that something is wrong. So what is it? I mean, I look around my house, and next to the bed, my recliner, and the office chair are heating pads. Who has heating pads placed strategically around the house?

Alright, God. Help me through this. Please give me answers. But, most of all, I need acceptance.

Stronger, Mandisa