Christmas Happenings

Well, here I sit on another day-after-Christmas.

It's been a crazy busy week. Wyatt got to ride the fire truck with Santa and pass out candy canes to people. He LOVED it, but shockingly, he asked if we could stop at McDonalds while we were out. (Bad Mom, I let him have fast food. Oh, for shame!) I choose to think I'm not a bad mom, I'm a realistic mom :)

Then 2 days later he went to see the lights at the National Zoo. It was SO cold, but he had so much fun. Riding the "Mentro" was an adventure for him.

Walking around the zoo there weren't many animals out, but there were a lot inside the buildings. We got hot chocolate and cider to stay warm. There was also an "iceless skating rink" and a train ride, but we didn't participate in that. We just looked at the lights and whatever animals there were.

Of course, yesterday was Christmas. On Christmas Eve we went to Jen's. She gave me a photo charm to add to my Mom necklace. I swear, that girl tries to find ways to make me cry!

I will post more about Christmas itself later :)

I did spot an ex at the zoo....

Can you see me now?

Well, I took the boy to the eye doctor Monday night. His right eye is great! He has 20/20 vision. His left eye not so much. That one is at 20/200. My heart sank when he was reading the letters on the wall, and he couldn't read more than the 2nd line. I was sitting there thinking it had to be a joke. I mean, those letters are HUGE. But, no, he's legally blind in that eye. The eye dr then did that whole "better one, better two" thing. At best, with glasses, the boy's vision will get to 20/60. So, he's excited to be getting glasses. One side will basically be glass, the other lens will have a strong prescription. The dr tried to convince me he's a good candidate for contacts because of that, and I said "He's 6! No way!"

The boy will also have to wear an eye patch over his good eye for 2 hours a day once the glasses do come in. (Arrrr Mateys!) He can't do it now, because then he wouldn't be able to see at all. The hope is that it will force his bad eye to work.

It may improve over time. It may not.

Having such poor vision in one eye does mean that his depth perception is off. That can explain why it's been so difficult to get him to write neatly and observe spaces when writing.

One of my best friends kept asking if I was ok with everything. I just kept thinking "Of course! Lots of kids need glasses" But last night I couldn't sleep, so I tried remembering what the term the doctor used was. I wanted information. I couldn't find it, but what I did find out is that if the sight in the other eye never gets better with correction, he won't be able to get a CDL. No big deal. Unless your child has only ever wanted to be a firefighter. Even now typing that I get a little teary.

But...I'm going to look at it this way. Who knows where technology will be in 10 years? I don't think 15 years ago anyone saw Lasix as a possibility. 10 years from now? Just imagine the possibilities. And my kid is AMAZING. I bet he does get better with corrective lenses.

And if not? He's still awesome, and he's still my son, and he can still have or do anything. This is just a minor thing, and so many have it so much worse. He will NEVER know that he's missing out on anything...because he won't be.

For anyone who is wondering why I drink coffee....

This is what the boy said in a matter of 2 seconds:

"Mom, I'm not wearing underwear! I need a pair. Hey, that rhymes. Did you know pear is actually a fruit? Hail to the Ravens!"

I love the boy. If for no other reason, than for the comic relief.

Randomness

OK, so I really waffled with whether or not to continue blogging. I really don't like being the topic of conversations when I'm not present. But, whatever. People will talk if they want to talk. I can't really stop them

So I have today off, but I have to spend it running around like crazy. I have a test this morning, then Wyatt has to get an immunization (Which I'm really NOT crazy about, especially since we are hard core into his airway issues right now), then he has to get a cavity filled. I know a little boy who will be getting lots of TLC tonight!

So Elvin the Elf left Wyatt a mini Krakle bar (Although with this visit to the dentist, he may have to find something else to leave). Wyatt then decided to hide it from Elvin. Pretty cute. I love my kid.

Sometimes, I look at him, and I can literally feel myself fill with love. There is just no comparison.

The elf is back!

Every year one of Santa's elves causes mischief in our house. Last year, he spilled sugar, set up the dining room table and chairs on the front lawn...I never know what we will wake up to find. He starts once we put up the tree, and doesn't stop until we take it down. Well, Santa must have lectured him, because last night he brought gifts instead of trouble. But I think he brought Rudolph to do his dirty work...when Wyatt woke up, his nose had been painted red!

How much do I want to do with this?

It's a funny thing. On the one hand, I don't care what people think about how I feel or what I think. I know me, and if I'm going to blog, I'm going to put it all out there. I don't like to filter or censor my feelings. I have nothing to hide. But at the same time there are, unfortunately, some people in my life who I know will twist words and use them against me some how. Past behavior has shown that. It took a long time for me to have trust for people in general...and that included my best friends. It was pretty bad. But at the same time, now, I just don't care. If nothing else, I know who my true friends are, and I know how valuable they are. That is a gift~learning not to take people for granted. The person/people who, let's just say, put my guard up, may or may not read my blog. If they do, that's fine, I just don't want anything said here to be used against me somehow. I don't care what people think to an extent, but I deserve to be happy.

Anyway, all of this is to say that I don't know how...published I want this to be. The initial purpose for my blog was to keep family/friends updated all in one fell swoop. Then the blogging community became a support system with the infertility. Now, well....I'm really not sure why I have it anymore, unless it's to just journal for myself. I enjoy writing, and I actually have made some friends through this crazy thing. There are so many websites you can use to promote your blog, and I don't know how involved I want to get with all of that.

All that to say, I will keep the blog, I just don't know what I'm going to do with it

Maybe it's time....

This is a really hard post to write.

My step-mom called today. She's having a yard sale next weekend, and she wanted to know if I wanted her to sell all of the baby stuff that is still in SC. I told her yes, I mean, I clearly have no plans for any of it in the near future.

I hung up the phone, poured a glass of wine, and burst into tears. Logically, I know that selling those things doesn't mean that I'm giving up the idea of ever having another baby. But it does feel like I'm slamming a door on my dream of a big family.Here I am, 32 (ancient in trying to conceive years), single, and "infertile". Not that selling that stuff changes any of that, but it's so...tangible. Right now, I feel hopeless, and mad and full of "it's not fair". Here I am, finally comfortable and sure that I"m a good mom, and....well, I'm not going to have a big family.

I feel like this is forcing me to accept the infertility. I'm acknowledging that another successful pregnancy isn't probable. I think acceptance is overrated. I don't want to accept that another baby isn't going to happen.

I can say that getting rid of those things doesn't mean anything, but it does. It means that I'm moving on to the next chapter of my life. I'm accepting that things aren't what I wanted them to be.

Yes, I am so very very grateful for what I have. Every day my son says or does something that just amazes me and makes me realize how very blessed I am.

But I can't make him a big brother. And that sucks.

One of these days....

I will actually keep up with this thing. For now though...

Just to catch everyone up (for those who actually read this)...Wyatt and I have moved back to MD. We are living at my mom's for now. I'm honestly not sure how that's going to go. The original plan was to live here so I could go back to school, but I forgot how much better Mom and I get along when we aren't in the same house.

Mocha, my sweet German Shepherd, the best dog EVER died this week. It's still a little hard to deal with.

Wyatt has started first grade. I'm not sure how I feel about his school. His homework is still along the lines of counting to 20. He's a little beyond that.

We went to the county fair yesterday. He had SO MUCH fun. His favorite part? Hanging out with the firefighters. I swear, this kid....

I will update more, and I really could go into so much more detail about all this, but it's early, and I don't even really want to be awake right now.

Road trips=bad

OK, so putting me in a car by myself for 7 hours is really never a good thing. It gives me time to think.

So this week has been a rough one for my friends. And I felt like I needed to be in MD, and I couldn't be. People I love were going through hard stuff, and I needed to be able to help. Then there was the earthquake. Now, the hurricane. (And said hurricane didn't hit SC, but is headed right for MD) I'm choosing to believe that the earthquake didn't happen because I was in MD. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

But anyway, all that to say...I'm moving back to MD sooner than expected. It just makes more sense. Why struggle to pay bills when I can live rent free at my moms? Yes, I have some issues (ok, one major issue) I need to take care of, but time to grow up and take care of it, right? Anyway, this way I can get everything in order to start school in the Spring. And I'm thinking about joining the Charles Co Medic Unit.

I don't even need to worry about bringing all my stuff....it's not like the house will sell tomorrow, so I can leave it in SC rather than store in at a storage place.

I'm super excited to get Wyatt signed up for ice skating lessons. Next up? Ice Hockey. Somewhere in all of this I need to find out how to sign up for Aflac.

I'm in MD now, so I can take my best friend and her son to Children's Hospital for a pre-op appointment Monday. I came up early because I didn't know what the roads were going to be like post-Irene. Which means that I will be here for Irene. I'm not too worried. I have a feeling it will be just like a bad storm. I hope so anyway. It's windy now, but logically I know that's probably not Irene.

I'm excited about the changes. I'm anxious about living at my mom's again, but I have faith it will all work out.

Being the bad guy

We are all different, right? I mean, each of us does things in his or her own way, whatever works.

As a parent, not only do you have to figure out what works for you, but you have to figure out what impacts your child. And it's hard. I mean, what happens if you screw up? Go down to your county's detention center if you're not sure. No pressure!

I really struggle with this. Of course, discipline is never black and white.

For 3 years, I chose how to discipline Wyatt. I decided on my own what to do, and I figured out on my own what worked and what didn't. Great! Wonderful! If I screwed up, guess whose fault it was?

Then, I got married, and Wyatt got a dad. A very gentle, never yelling, dad. That's ok, I made up for it. Then I learned that I didn't want to be the mom who always yells. So I stopped yelling.

Now....wow. Now I have a mess on my hands. So I'm having to backpedal. Wait, what do you mean that's not an option in parenting? But I need another chance to not screw him up!

Tonight is a prime example. Wyatt was given tons of notice for bedtime. Bedtime comes, and he stomps, slams doors and DEMANDS to play. I waited to see what happened....And nothing was done. So, like always, I had to do it. I went in Wyatt's room to talk to him, and got attitude. MAJOR attitude. I am so sick of always being the one to yell, the one to take privileges, the one to discipline. I want to be the fun mom. I want to enjoy him. I want him to enjoy me. I want him to know that we can be friends, too. And yes, I happen to believe parents can be friends with their kids. This is not here for debate!

So now I'm the bad guy. He went to bed refusing to say he loved me (and that's something I will never force) and Randy is the greatest guy ever. It sucks!

I get that Wyatt is having changes thrown at him from every direction. And I'm sure his little 6 year old head is spinning. And I'm sure that accounts for part of this lashing out. But that doesn't make it ok! That doesn't excuse the destruction he seems to want to cause lately.

I know I have to get used to being a single parent, and part of that will mean being the sole disciplinarian. Been there done that. I feel like I never even stopped.

I keep telling myself that if I don't put my foot down now, it's just going to get harder. I get that I need to be his parent before I can be his friend, but I don't see anything wrong with being both.

I just want to not ALWAYS be the bad guy. Unfortunately, that just isn't an option.

Keep breathing....

Stupid things. We all say 'em. I'd like to think that, most of the time, they are done out of...well, stupidity, and not because we mean harm. Sometimes, though, there are people who are so totally thoughtless that they must completely rip the filter separating their brains from their mouths and throw said filter in the trash. I'd like to kick those people in the shin. While I'm wearing steel toed boots. (And I happen to have a pair)

Anyway...that's not what this was supposed to be about. Stuff happens. We know this. Anyone who has ever seen a bumper sticker knows it. Bad things happen to good people, blah blah. What makes it so hard is to know that there is a God out there. Yes, believing generally softens the blow, but sometimes....it doesn't. And even believing in God and knowing He has a plan doesn't negate the fact that sometimes, life just isn't fair.

So what do you do? What do you do when you feel like your world is falling down? Or when you are watching someone else's life crumble? What do you say? Words simply can't always make things better. What's left? Do you make empty promises? Do you quote scripture? Sorry, but when I'm angry at God, the last thing I want to do is listen to Him.

The only thing I really have to compare any of this to is my struggle with infertility. I know it's not the same, nor is my infertility struggle the same as the girl sitting next to me at the doctor's office. Similar, maybe, but not the same. Similar enough that I know (now) that words meant to heal only hurt. Things I use to find comfort may only make it worse for someone else.

There is one thing all of us can do. Every single one of us who is experiencing any kind of fear or loss or hurt has one thing left.....

Hope.

No one....not one of us, knows what will happen tomorrow. I do know this~ Miracles happen. People beat the odds, and accomplish what they were told would never happen.

So don't give up.

Hope.

"When you say a person or a situation is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God"

What are plans for, if not to change?

Well...the original plan was, of course, to stay married. That didn't happen.

So then I figured, if we are going to start over, might as well make it in a place that's southern, great for families, and suburban. I mean, the country and the city all in one...what could be better? So off to a Charlotte suburb I went. I got Wyatt all registered for school, got all the ducks in a row, and we were set to move tomorrow. There was a slight snafu with finding a job, but, confidence in my job skills combined with a large city gave me optimism. The more I looked, the more I saw stuff I just wasn't qualified for, or over qualified for, or had tons of competition for, but I really wasn't overly concerned.

Then I had an urge to go to MD and visit all my girls. I think there was just so much going on that I needed to go to the place where things are pretty consistent. While I was there, I felt like I was "grounded". And I remembered that MD is home. It always has been.

After a lot of thinking, and a lot of advice seeking, I've decided to move home. It seems like a lot of things nudged me in that direction. Looking at the job market, I have no idea how long it will take me to get one. Now, if I had a degree (like nursing) it wouldn't take but a moment. So...I'm going back to school. There is no way I feel that I could work enough to pay for school, plus the bills, and still have time for being a good Momma. So, I'm going to move back to my mothers. I will work part time and go to school full time. For a few years, I will still have summers off with the boy! Wahoo!

For right now, I'm staying in SC. I'm going to stay here until our house sells. I'm going to see what I can do about taking some online courses, so I'm at least being productive. And I'm going to start doing daycare for some income.

I'm a little scared. OK, a lot scared. But I know in my heart it's what's right. It's what's best, especially for the boy. An added bonus, it will be easier for he and Randy to spend time together, since Randy will be in PA. (Of course, that's if it's what Randy wants)

To quote one of my favorite movies: "Home is where your history begins. Home is where they catch you when you fall."

Yet another post about changes

If you've seen my blog home page, you no doubt know that there are some pretty major changes on the horizon

Randy and I have made the painful decision to separate. Wyatt and I are going to be moving to the Charlotte area and starting fresh.

I know this comes as a surprise to most people. I had said I was happy. Honestly, I believe that you lead your heart. I was trying to hard to lead my heart to happiness. It just wasn't happening.

Obviously, this means that Wyatt won't be homeschooled anymore. That breaks my heart.

I've been in Charlotte the last 2 days ironing out final details.

I will try to keep more up to date with my blog, but it may be a few weeks until we get settled. I'm moving to the middle of NOWHERE and the "high speed internet" is not high speed. I'm at a Starbucks right now pilfering their internet (That hurts my heart to have to do, I'm sure you understand)

Randomness

First of all, my last post was a bit...sad, needless to say. I guess with it being our anniversary, it just was a tangible reminder. I do have faith that we will have more children, if that's God's plan. If it's not, I am so blessed to have my amazing son. It was just a really bad day.

I've really been doing a lot of thinking about our curriculum for this year. According to SC law, I do have to teach certain subjects. There's nothing that says how much time needs to be spent, outside of meeting an attendance requirement. Because math is so "logical" and something that you really need to build on, I will do Saxon. The problem is that Wyatt is about halfway through the 2nd grade level. So I may just get 2nd grade and take it slow. If we finish, we will move on to 3rd. That's the great part about this. We do what works for us. As far as the other subjects, he is going to learn SO MUCH of that in daily life. I'm going to make a list of educational goals twice a quarter, and each day I will have a checklist to help us stay on track. At the end of the day, as long as what's on that list has been accomplished, I will be happy. And if not, there's always tomorrow. A friend reminded me of something...one of the reasons I'm doing this is I want Wyatt to know that learning can, and should, be FUN!

Here is an awesome quote I read today:

‎"Homeschooling is all about finding the heartbeat of your family and following that pace—not your neighbor’s, not your best homeschooling buddy’s, and not the grade level expectations for your child’s age." -Sarah Small

I knew it was a matter of time...

....before I crumbled.

I've been hyper emotional the past week or so. I really thought I might be pregnant. Obviously, I'm not. I was doing ok with it, or so I thought.

I'm sitting here on my 2nd anniversary. DH and I always wanted a big family. I should have a toddler and a baby. We should have been able to experience a pregnancy together. I should have a house full of kids and noise. I'm not one to cry or show much emotion very often. Yet, I'm sitting here sobbing.

I try to laugh my way through a lot of it. I mean, if I don't laugh, I'll cry. I don't like crying. Well, today, I just want to curl up in a ball and sob until I just can't cry anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I'm obviously thrilled to have my 6 year old. But I want more.

I've really been doing very will with "It will happen, Godhas a plan, I'm grateful that I've been given this gift so I can appreciate pregnancy more"

Well, darn it, I don't want to appreciate being infertile anymore. I want a belly. I want a bundle in my arms. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I think my heart somehow knew that our anniversary was coming up. Although it's not our TTC anniversary (we actually started 3 months before we got married), it's still such an in your face kinda day.

My poor 6 year old walked in while I was writing this and crying. He asked me what was wrong. We don't hide things from him, we just explain it to him on his level. So I told him I was sad that we don;t have a baby brother or sister for him. Then my poor child had to deal with Mommy crying on his shoulder. He looked at me and said "It's ok mommy, let's just go sprinkle some baby dust on you". God love him.

I think I've just really been working up to this. I've been wondering why I was so emotional. I guess this is it. I hate it.I hate my body. I hate the doctors that butchered my cervix. I hate that I can't give my husband the gift of knowing what it's like to raise a child from infancy. I hate that I get so mad at people who complain about being pregnant.

I will NEVER regret my son. EVER. Or the daughter that doesn't even know me anymore. But I am so angry that I could have them so easily, and take them for granted.

My uterus is empty. And that makes my heart hurt.

Why I chose to homeschool

Homeschooling has been on my heart for several years. In fact, I've homeschooled for a few months in the past. (When Wyatt was in preschool) I had decided to homeschool Wyatt in Kindergarten. Well, then we moved to SC, and I was concerned about Wyatt meeting other kids, since I really didn't know anyone, and didn't know of any way to have him meet kids his age, aside from church. And we didn't have a church at the time. So, after carefully weighing the options, we chose a private, Christian school for Wyatt. SC public schools simply weren't an option for us.

For obvious reasons, I have nothing against traditional schools. There are many many wonderful schools. In my opinion, what really makes a school wonderful isn't the budget, or curriculum, or even really test scores. It's teachers. Teachers can truly make or break a school. I know some wonderful teachers. (In fact, I'm related to 2...one by marriage, and one by everything but blood)

Unfortunately, our experience at Wyatt's school last year did NOT include an encounter with a teacher like that. Wyatt, who I of course believe is incredibly smart, routinely got bored in class. Despite numerous suggestions on my part of ways to keep him entertained when he was done with his work, his teacher said that he was fine. Well, I have numerous examples of him getting in trouble once his work was done and he was given nothing else to do. But, even that alone wasn't reason enough for me to pull him out. Wyatt is a very active boy, and when his teacher suggested ADHD testing, it was the straw that broke this Momma's back.

I just believe, with every iota of my being, that homeschooling is the right decision for our family. I love that we are close knit, and homeschooling fosters that. I love that I can tailor the curriculum to Wyatt's needs. He was the youngest child in his class...but doing math 2 years ahead of his class. He can't skip a grade, then he'd be WAY younger than his peers. I can do what's right for him, and still let him be himself without feeling like his personality makes him a bad kid.

In all honesty, we'd be homeschooling even if we'd had an amazing year with an incredible teacher. The decision is independent of our experience with school, but the experience certainly doesn't do anything to discourage our choice.

Our school day will take 2 hours. I can teach Wyatt to his interests. I don't have to "unteach" him undesirable behaviors that he's learned on the playground. I don't have to worry about him doing things because he's heard about them in school. Yes, Wyatt will be sheltered. He's still a kid, shouldn't I shelter him? That is, after all, my job. Ask a parent whose child is doing drugs or drinking if she wishes she had sheltered that child a little more.

I love my son. I love spending time with him. My heart hurts for the kids whose moms say that they can't wait for school to start. Yes, I have days where I need a break. And those days, he sits on the computer and plays games. Guess what? I can work these games into my lesson plans.

I don't think homeschooling is the best choice for everyone. In fact, I know it's not. Just as I know that it is the best choice for us.

What's in a name?

Well, it's official. Our homeschool has a name. The Covered Bridge Christian Academy. You heard it here first, folks! Well, unless you're in my CafeMom homeschooling group. Or on my facebook. But otherwise....yeah, you heard it here :)

I wanted a name that really meant something to us. Something that somehow reflected tradition, but was special and meaningful. Maybe with a little twist of an inside story.

My father in law is a professor at Messiah College in Grantham, PA. They have a beautiful covered bridge on campus. What better symbol for family and Christian education than something like that?

The bonus is that Randy and I had our Engagement pictures at that bridge. It has even more meaning because of that.

I must say, I'm very proud of our name

I didn't want a roller coaster

So the past few days I've been really emotional. No clue why. I've cried at anything and everything. Yesterday I figured I would take a pregnancy test. Well, I got....an evap line. I mean, that really screws with a person emotionally. I know it was an evap line for sure because I tested again this morning,and it's definitely negative.

People, who try to say the right thing, inevitably end up saying the wrong thing. I know they mean well, but sometimes I really just want to tell them to shove it.

So now, on top of being emotional for some reason (maybe just being stuck in the house), I'm bummed because I had a major sense of hope, and...it's gone.

It doesn't help that there's a girl I feel has made several passive aggressive comments that are directed at me. I try to ignore them, but I can't really ignore her. It's frustrating to say the least. I wish, if she had a problem, she would just say something. I may be reading too much into it, so I'm just patiently waiting to see if yet another thing comes up. If so, I will address it. In the meantime, I just continue to do what's best for our family, and not try to please anyone else. It's a nudge to remember that not everyone is my friend, and to quit expecting to trust someone I haven't known for long.

It's just been a week. I keep doing my best to take comfort in the fact that all of this serves a purpose. God knows what He's doing, and I have to trust Him.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to watch a Baby Story and wallow in my misery.

I love having plans

So...now we have a plan. I love having a plan. I hate not knowing what's going on.

Went to the GYN today for my post op. I got to see pictures of my reproductive organs. They are so pretty and perfect.

My cervix....my cervix is not so pretty. It's well, scarred. The GYN suspects that's why conception hasn't happened.

Randy and I talked some last night. We are definitely going to go back for another IUI. We will wait for September, for 2 reasons. The first...we will have insurance. The second...I really want to be under 200 pounds. I'm not there. I'm definitely closer to there than I was last time. But I want to BE there. I called the RE's office (Reproductive Endocrinologist) and I don't need to do anything other than call them the first day of my cycle when we are ready to start back, since it's been less than a year.

There are 2 things that need to happen before and during my next IUI cycle. The first, we need to do marital counseling. Now, we are in a Sunday Small Group (kinda like Sunday school) that's focused on marriage enrichment. I think if we can really follow that, it may help. I'm going to give it a month, and if I don't see an improvement, it's back to counselling, in addition to the class. But, if we do go the counselling route, it will continue while we are doing infertility treatments. I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back with our marriage before. I would be totally crushed, and hide it. Randy wouldn't tell me anything. My moods were all over the place. I need to make sure history doesn't repeat itself.

The second thing that needs to happen...I need to establish an exercise routine. Obviously, this is slightly delayed. But I don't want to start the treatments until I have one underway. I want to make sure my body is as healthy as possible.

In the meantime, I am charting. I just started yesterday. If you've never charted, here are the bare basics. You wake up, and before you do ANYTHING, you take your temperature. No run of the mill thermometer will work. You need a basal body thermometer. What makes it so special? It measures degrees in hundredths, so you get a more accurate result. You take said temperature FIRST thing in the morning. You don't even get out of bed first. Then you chart it, and your temp pattern (along with monitoring some bodily functions) tells you when you ovulate, and can even possibly indicate pregnancy. If this is something you want to consider, you can find this thermometer in the family planning aisle. Look for the pink and blue box with the happy couple. Also, be prepared...it's not so easy to see teeny numbers in a teeny window, much less remember them pre-coffee.

Oh yeah. And I'm going to cut back on coffee. Yes, I only have one cup now, but it's a travel mug. One 6 oz cup a day. And now it's root beer or water. No other caffeine. However, I'm keeping my M&Ms. Remember? I'm making my marriage work. I need some caffeine, and chocolate. All things in moderation :)

My planner: A work in progress

OK, so here it is, July. School starts next month, so I have GOT to get my planner together. That is my big project for today and tomorrow. I really should have it done today. I'm getting most of my sheets from Donna Young's website.

The cover will be a picture of Wyatt on the first day of school. The first page will be a list of standards required by the state

I plan (haha) to have a section for educational goals for each semester. Just something I can keep my eye on and make sure I'm working towards. Then I will have a section for actual planning. The lesson section will have a grid showing each subject along the side, and the days of the week along the top. Once we complete a task, I will put a sticker in the square. Along the right side of the weekly grid I will have the spelling list for the week. I want to make a reading section with a book log in the front, and book reports behind the log. Otherwise, I think I will save unit tests to go in there. I will keep a field trip log, which will document where we went, educational goals, who went with us, contacts at the location, etc...

This is all still rough in my head. I will post pictures once it's done.

Wyatt will make a scrapbook of all his projects (which will qualify as art! HA!) and between that and my planner, we will have records of everything. 2 binders for a year isn't bad.

I don't wanna hear it (An infertility vent)

I know, I said I was gonna post more. Then I got better pain meds. I've been a little out of it.Rest assured (Because I know you're stressed about it) I've made a list of topics. I haven't given up!

What's really weighing on my mind now, despite that I promised it wouldn't be....my struggle with secondary infertility. Yes, I am so incredibly blessed to have a sticky little boy's hand to hold, and, thank God I don't take a moment of it for granted. But that doesn't mean that secondary infertility doesn't hurt. There's still an ache inside me. I want to know what it's like to see the 2nd line and be excited. I want to experience friends and family screaming with excitement rather than asking me what I'm going to do. I want to relish every kick, every emotion, and yes, every moment of morning sickness. I want that rush when my messy baby is placed in my arms the first time. I want to see my little boy hold a baby brother or sister. I don't want to explain to him that, no, sprinkling baby dust on my tummy won't put a baby in there. I don't want to tell him that Mom and Dad have to go to the Dr that's 2 hours away because that's the only way we will get a baby. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars on something some women say they get every time their husbands look at them. I want a houseful. I want my house to be noisy. No, I'm not lucky that my house is quiet. No, I can't just relax and get pregnant.

And, dammit, I got my hopes up this month. Yes, I know I was crazy to. I mean, why would this month be different. For Pete's sake, I broke my leg the day I ovulated. But somehow, I did. My hopes were up there. And they still kinda are, even though I know better.

I can say this...I don't take Wyatt, or time with Wyatt, for granted like I used to. I wish I had a chance to do my pregnancy and his infancy over again. Those were precious moments that I didn't appreciate. Miraculous moments. I want them back. But I don't take the present moments for granted. I see that as a wonderful gift.

I don't sit here and pretend that I have it any better or worse than any other woman labeled infertile. Some have never been pregnant, some have had multiple miscarriages, and some just can't get pregnant again. I don't think one hurts any more than the other.

We dreamed of having a big family. We would talk about it. My first blog address was based on our future big family.

When your dreams don't come true, it hurts.

I'm broken

I know, I know. I didn't forget about y'all. I've just been...well, broken.

As y'all know, I had surgery last week. Sunday I was feeling GREAT and the pool was finally ready, so a swimming we went! I was getting out of the pool, and somehow, slipped on the ladder. I heard a snap. One ER trip later, I was told I had a broken bone. I broke the bottom of my tibia and, in the process, sprained my ankle. It was too hard to sit at the desktop because it feels SO much better to have my foot up. Our laptop was acting stupid and wouldn't save anything on blogger. Well, this morning I downloaded Google Chrome, and now it's working really well. So, anyway, now I should be back to being able to keep up with the blog.

I went to an orthopedic surgeon yesterday. He took the cast off, said it was applied horribly, and put me in a walking boot. I love the boot...it's a lot lighter. But, my ankle has hurt more since being in it. At least I don't have to worry about getting it wet. When I took a shower with the cast, I used saran wrap, a trash bag, duct tape, and a towel. I kept the cast outside the shower, and it still got soaked.
I'm still off work for another week. I can't bear weight on my foot at all. I go back for XRays in 2 1/2 weeks. I'm trying to stay off the crutches as much as possible. Did you know how many abdominal muscles you use on crutches? Do you know how much abdominal stitches HATE crutches?

Anyway, there are definitely some things I need to blog about. I will be posting more over the next couple of days!

Teen Pregnancy-Why?

First of all, let me just add my little disclaimer here. I don't think all teen moms are bad. I don't think teen moms are any worse than other moms. I think teen moms have awesome potential, both as moms, and as women. I'm not here to quote statistics, just to offer my thoughts. And no, I'm not going to get all preachy about morals. I *try* not to judge, just as I don't want to be judged.

What's got me thinking about this is that I watched The Pregnancy Pact last night. Now now, I'm not going to go on about how I'm bitter...that's not what this is about. I'm no more jealous of teens who get pregnant than I am anyone else. But I really started to think...why is teen pregnancy so much more prevalent now than it was even 10 years ago? I can remember a girl or two who I graduated with (ok, so 15 years ago) that was pregnant or had a baby. But it wasn't common...by far. And let me tell you a secret about those girls. One of them was, not only an honors student, but had already started college. I don't buy into the fact that only "irresponsible" girls get pregnant.

So it can happen to anyone...including one of our children when the time comes. But that still doesn't tell WHY.

As I was watching this movie last night, one of the characters said she joined in the pact because she just wanted to be married with a baby. My first reaction was "Please...you're 15! What do you know?" But then...look at 15 year olds. A lot of them are a lot more grown up than we were. (Ha ha...I sound like my grandmother) But seriously...When I was 15, I didn't have the World Wide Web to introduce me to people, concepts, things that I wasn't ready for. My parents had far more control over what I was exposed to. Yes, I had responsibilities, and I'd like to think I was mature. I mean, at 16, I was riding in the front seat of an ambulance and in charge of patient care. But I don't think I even remotely thought I was ready for a baby. And some of these girls don't seem afraid. They are just completely excited.

I, honestly, blame the media. Not shows like 16 And Pregnant. I don't think the producers romanticize teen pregnancy at all. But look at what else is on MTV. The Real World. "Hey, when you grow up, you can party it up all the time!" Look at the videos. Sex is no longer something to be treasured, it's just another step into adulthood, or even just a way to be accepted. It's talked about all the time on TV. Talk shows, soap operas, even family sitcoms. And have you watched a Disney movie lately? (And why are the ugly people the bad guys? What are we teaching our children there? But that's another blog) But, thanks in part to the media, kids want to be grown ups sooner.

Not to mention that, because sex is EVERYWHERE, it's no longer taboo. Don't get me wrong, I think it's healthy to talk about sex...with someone you trust. As a teenager, yes, ideally, I do mean your parents. Or an aunt or uncle. But not Joe Cool at the lunch table. It's not sacred anymore. It's talked about pretty much whenever you turn on the tv. 50 years ago, it would have been shameful to show cleavage. Now, rather than embarrassing anyone, it just goes unnoticed. It's natural. If we are showing so much, what's left to treasure? What secrets are left? It used to be that a Montgomery Ward catalog was enough to get a boy excited (and embarrassed) But now? That's nothing they can't see walking through the mall.

I think we are forcing our kids to grow up too soon, and I think that's part of the problem. They are striving to do adult things too early, and they are far over exposed to sex. It makes me think that the families that insist on boys wearing shorts no higher than the knees and girls wearing skirts at least below the knee have the right idea.

Have you seen June

So today I flipped the calendar over to July. Where did June go? I know there's still another day left in June, but I over did it (a lot) yesterday, so today I'm going to be that blob on the couch. (And given that the amount of gas in my stomach makes me look 6 months pregnant, I think blob is an accurate description)

One of my coworkers called me yesterday. Her son dove into a 4 foot deep pool and broke his neck. They have ruled out paralysis, but there is a definite fracture. Thank God he's able to move.

There are a lot of changes coming up. I'm not sure I want to post about them before they happen, or after. But suffice to say they will be happening.

I'm no longer doing Weight Watchers online. It got to be too expensive. I will keep track on my own, and if I feel like I'm slacking, I'll attend a meeting.

There's a lot in my mind I want to post about, but, for now, it's gonna stay up there.

To expand on my last post...

I genuinely am thankful for the new perspective I have now. I had taken childbearing for granted. I know I've said it before...but today, I looked at my son and thought "Wow. He was never supposed to exist" And I am so unbelievably grateful and blessed to have him. (He was conceived using TWO methods of birth control) How can I be angry with God when I have those beautiful blue eyes to look into? Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Sure, some days he makes me nanners, but I love every moment. I love when he knows I'm not feeling well, and he rubs my back. I love how sweet and gentle he is with animals. I love how he is always making me laugh. I love how amazing he is. I love how his whole face lights up when he's excited. I love how he's such a....boy. And I love God for blessing me with such an amazing person I'm proud to call my son.

Surgery update

Well, we definitely didn't get the answer we wanted. We didn't get any answers. Although the GYN did tell Randy that my cervix is awfully hard. Maybe we did get something out of it.

This morning, when I was waiting for surgery, I did get a little nervous. I had a few "I wanna go home" moments. I got pretty scared. But, I closed my eyes, and had a chat with God. I told Him that no matter the outcome, I would still love Him, and I'd still need Him. I prayed for answers, for acceptance, and for peace. In my head I kept hearing "This pain aint gonna last much longer, believe me, this is gonna make you stronger" I couldn't ask for a better song to be stuck in my head.

So how do I feel now? Physically, really sore. My throat hurts, my shoulder hurts (from the gas..don'task why), and my stomach is sore.

Emotionally, I'm somewhat numb. I could cry at the drop of a hat, and that's not like me. I think I've kinda taken the pain of not knowing WHY and pushed it away. Now that Randy has told me what the GYN said, then I feel that, maybe, we have a new direction to move toward. Maybe not. But, right now, I feel "ok"

Spiritually, I actually feel good. I feel an incredible peace. I feel a comfort that I know can only come from Him. Tomorrow may be different, but right now, I feel good spiritually. For that, I thank everyone who said a prayer for me today.

I knew it would happen eventually....

...I had my "Holy cow, I'm going to have surgery" moment yesterday.

I was finishing up at work and telling the girl I was working with where I had lab stuff, what still needed to be done with a particular issue, and it hit me. It suddenly hit me WHY I had to tell her. And WHY I wouldn't be at work. I'm having surgery. They are going to make me unconscious, invade my body, and (hopefully) remove stuff from it. And it's not just something that's going to happen eventually, it's going to happen tomorrow! (Well, today now) I think it's harder for me this time around because I KNOW that I don't wake up well from anesthesia. At least now I know it, and I can share that valuable piece of info with the nurses. But anyway, I had my little mental break down. In the midst of it, Randy texted me to tell me he has to be at work early, so he couldn't take me to the hospital. Poor man. He didn't know I was falling apart at the moment.

My biggest fear, physically, is that they will nick something while they are in there. Emotionally, I'm afraid that I'm spending 10,000 on this surgery for them to find absolutely nothing. Spiritually...I'm scared that I will be angry at God. For the first time, I finally have that relationship I've heard people talk about. I still think that relationship is a little fragile. I don't want to lose it. Since discovering that I had so many symptoms of Endo, I've had hope. Here's a problem, and, if I have it, they can fix it. I haven't really let myself think that I may not have it. So if I don't....then what is it? Why do I have so much pain? Why can't I get pregnant? What about our dreams of having a big family? How could God let this happen?

That was my biggest prayer yesterday, and today. That God will help me accept the outcome, whatever it may be. If they don't find anything, that I will be able to accept that. There's even some acceptance that will have to happen if they DO find something...I have to accept that, for the rest of my life, when I have a menstrual cycle, it's doing damage to my body. But I can deal with that. I don't know if I can deal with not having answers. It honestly isn't just the infertility. It's the pain that has me doubled over, even after taking twice as much prescription pain relievers. There has to be a reason for that. That isn't cramps. That's got to be indicative that something is wrong. So what is it? I mean, I look around my house, and next to the bed, my recliner, and the office chair are heating pads. Who has heating pads placed strategically around the house?

Alright, God. Help me through this. Please give me answers. But, most of all, I need acceptance.

Stronger, Mandisa

A little of this, a little of that

First...the pool is up! Well, I'm assuming it's still up, and that the cats haven't destroyed it overnight. Rest assured, I took pictures of the whole process! (Sorry, guys, can't help...gotta scrap it)

Randy got lots of laughs at my expense. It's IMPOSSIBLE for me to find a hair style I really like. Well, at least a picture of it. Much less a style and color I like. I mean, I've seen them on people, but I can't very well walk up to someone and ask to take a picture of their hair. Yesterday there was a show on we were watching and one of the people had hair that I LOVE! So, I kept pausing/rewinding the TV to get a good picture of it. I seriously have about 20 pictures of my TV from yesterday. On a side note, how awesome is it that we can pause and rewind live TV? (I say this about a week after we are set to get rid of cable...but that's a whole other post)

Now for the big stuff. Yesterday, I got to talk to a friend that I haven't talked to in forever. It was really nice to catch up, and we cleared the air on some things that I hadn't realized we needed to clear the air on. I'm so glad we did. Plus, it helps to have a friend dealing with some of the same issues.

She also brought something else to light. Now, I know people up in PA typically don't read my blog. And that's fine. So a lot of the people who need to see this won't. But apparently, according to them, I'm to blame for much of what's gone wrong in our relationship. To the point that I'm not sure I'm comfortable going up there anytime soon. I mean, I really don't care what people think, it's what my husband thinks that matters, but still....It hurts that some of my so called friends seemed to have forgotten that there are 2 sides to every story, and that, yes, there are definitely things I could have done much better, but that statement goes across the board. Really, though, all that matters is that Randy and I are working on our marriage. It's stronger than, I think, it ever was. I'm so grateful for that. And honestly, I'm grateful that Randy had people to turn to when he was hurting, just like I did. I'm grateful they had his back, just like my friends had mine. But it still hurts a little.

I'm glad I have this blog. Whether it ever gets read or commented on, I don't care. I can look back and see how much I've changed, how much I've grown. Someone made the comment that maybe my infertility was for the best because of our marriage issues. Well, first, that hurt deeply. It's like saying I deserve to be infertile. No one deserves this. When you have the means to physically, financially, emotionally spiritually care for a child, then no, infertility is not "for the best".

When I look back at my blog, I can see that the two times we've had major issues were centered around infertility. The issues themselves weren't, but I think I wasn't in the best mindset to deal with them. The first time was when we had the diagnosis of infertility. That's really hard for a woman to deal with. My body is failing to do what it was created to do. No matter the reason, it won't do it. That's a crushing blow to my womanhood. Randy and I want a big family, and because of ME we may not have that. I know he says he's ok with that, but still....I think a part of me worried that he would feel like he was missing out. The second time our marriage crumbled was when the 2 IUIs didn't work. I mean, if infertility treatment isn't even going to work, nothing will. At least that's what I remember thinking. I think the fact that I was so willing to give up on my marriage had a lot to do with some depression on my part. And, thanks to this blog, I'm able to see that.

Don't get me wrong, Randy and I still have our issues that we need to work on. But we ARE working on them. Everyone has issues. I can honestly say that our marriage is stronger right now than it ever has been. No matter what has gotten us to this point, I'm thankful that we're here.

Overwhelmed

But in a good way.

Yesterday, I got in the car to meet Randy for dinner. I prayed that God would give me a sign that He is listening. Not just to me, but to a friend who needs Him more than I thought she knew. We got sidelined talking to my stepmom, and ended up rushing. When I finally got around to turning on the radio, Blessings was just starting....the song that has given me so much comfort and hope recently. We were only about a minute away from the restaurant, so had I not been "stuck" talking to Vicky, or if any other number of things...I wouldn't have heard the song. I sat in the parking lot while it finished and cried. I know He's listening. I know He hears us.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed, wide awake. Something told me to pray...and I did. I prayed hard. I thanked Him for all He does, and I prayed for answers...even if they aren't the ones I want, I prayed for them anyway. I hate this limbo. I prayed for a friend and her trials right now.

This morning, I logged into Facebook. Sometimes I see blogs on there before I do on Blogger, because I have friends that post there too. I guess they cross post. But I read her blog. She's been struggling with her faith. And I get it, I've been there. But sometime last night she posted that she knows she believes. She posted that some things have helped her to remember that she believes, and that God does love her. I am overwhelmed with joy for her. I know it's still going to be a long hard road, boy do I know that. But she will never be alone. And she will have comfort. I'm so honored to know that what I've posted here, between music and some of the words, played a small part in that.

In it's own way, it reminds me that what we go through does have a purpose. Sure, I'd love to just be able to look at my husband and get pregnant, like some people seem to do. But if I have to go through what I've gone through, knowing that my experiences can somehow help someone else...It makes that pill a less bitter one to swallow.

Laundry soap

This is my next "not so mainstream" project. I will post the recipe now (so I don't forget it) and when I make it, I will take pictures of the process and post a tutorial. I'm thinking I will make this in about 2 weeks, when I run out of detergent. (And by then I should have a chance to get to a natural food store to get the essential oils)

Homemade Liquid Laundry Soap- Front or top load machine- best value

4 Cups - hot tap water
1 Fels-Naptha soap bar
1 Cup - Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda*
½ Cup Borax

- Grate bar of soap and add to saucepan with water. Stir continually over medium-low heat until soap dissolves and is melted.

-Fill a 5 gallon bucket half full of hot tap water. Add melted soap, washing soda and Borax. Stir well until all powder is dissolved. Fill bucket to top with more hot water. Stir, cover and let sit overnight to thicken.

-Stir and fill a used, clean, laundry soap dispenser half full with soap and then fill rest of way with water. Shake before each use. (will gel)

-Optional: You can add 10-15 drops of essential oil per 2 gallons. Add once soap has cooled. Ideas: lavender, rosemary, tea tree oil.

-Yield: Liquid soap recipe makes 10 gallons.

-Top Load Machine- 5/8 Cup per load (Approx. 180 loads)

-Front Load Machines- ¼ Cup per load (Approx. 640 loads)

*Arm & Hammer "Super Washing Soda" - in some stores or may be purchased at Meijer.com. Baking Soda will not work, nor will Arm & Hammer Detergent - It must be sodium carbonate!!

*Recipe copied from the Duggar Family's website

Wow...

I have found an AMAZING new artist. Well, new to me. Her name is Laura Story. There's a song she's had on the radio that has really spoken to me. I'm sitting here listening to more of her songs, and the tears are flowing.

Blessings really speaks to me. I know it's all for a greater purpose.

Perfect Peace is the song I "discovered" today. I love it. You can take so many different views. It applies to everyone.

I made something :)

So remember way back when I posted about wanting to be less mainstream? I've realized how many chemicals we put in and on our bodies. Who knows what the long term affects of some of those are? (I'm still not quite ready to totally give up fast food though)
2 weeks ago, I made my own bug spray. It doesn't prevent bites, but it's awesome if you've been bitten. I'm not sure if it will work on fire ant bites, but I'm willing to try anything, lol.
We are putting our pool up this weekend, so I suspect there will be mosquitoes in our future...lots of opportunity to test the lineament!
I made this by putting a handful of catnip and rosemary in a jar. Then I added a pinch of calendula and comfrey, and a few drops of tea tree oil and citronella. I poured rubbing alcohol over the whole thing (to the tops of the herbs) and sealed it. I turned it every other day or so. A friend of mine said that making your own remedies is empowering. She's right! I can't wait to use it, have it work, and think "I made that!" How amazing.
Other things I want to make:
~Healing salve
~Elderberry juice (GREAT for respiratory issues)
There's other stuff I want to make, but it's not so much home remedy type stuff

I don't know how to help!

I have a friend who doesn't live terribly close to me. We've never been super close, but we've definitely been friends.
She's just suffered through her second miscarriage. I don't know what to say to her. (But, I do know what NOT to say). She's had some infertility testing, and they may have pinpointed part of the reason.
Right now she's angry (not that I blame her). Especially with God. I was so fortunate to have some people who reminded me who He is, and that all things work for Him, even if we don't understand them at the time. And I was able to find comfort in that. I feel horrible, because I want her to have that same comfort. I think, without it, I would have gone insane this last year. When that test came back positive, but the blood test was negative, I wanted to blame someone...who else? But I know He loves me, and He cares for me.
I wish she could see it to. She needs Him now more than ever. Her faith in God will get her through all of this.
If you're reading this, please know I'm not putting your problems "out there". We don't have the same followers, so no one reading this has a clue who I'm talking about. I'm hurting so badly for you right now, and I don't know how to make it better.

A little addition to the last post

It dawned on me that my last post probably seemed a little bitter. Well, I am a little bitter towards the doctors at Hershey, myself for not standing up for myself, etc. But, please know this...

God has brought all of this on. He has a reason, a purpose for putting me through this. I don't know what it is, and, honestly, I don't want to know. I don't want to know what He knows. That is terrifying. I'm grateful to Him, because now I have an appreciation for pregnancy, infancy and such that I had taken for granted before. It's helped me to appreciate Wyatt more. It's also given me a different perspective on miscarriage. I know now how sometimes the words that you think are so right are so wrong, and don't actually provide comfort. I know how scary being pregnant can be for some people. I think it's made me more sensitive and, hopefully, a better friend and healthcare worker.

Anyway, all this was to say that I'm not bitter AT ALL with God. I trust that He has a plan, and there is a lot of comfort to be found in that.

No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts has helped me have this perspective. This song has helped me stay positive, and keep my relationship with Him.

Pre op today

Well, today is my pre-op appointment. I'm really trying not to be too terribly nervous. I'm saving that for next week. I'm having an ultrasound done. (I'm not really sure why. I was still in a bit of shock when they scheduled the surgery to ask questions) Then the normal pre-op stuff.

I think the hardest part for me with the surgery will be that they find something. Don't get me wrong, that's what I want. I reaaaalllly want them to find something. Then they can fix it. I will have answers, get rid of a lot of this pain....but I think I will have some anger too. Because the doctors at Hershey put my symptoms on the back burner. They pretty much explained them away as something else entirely. And the mean Dr refused to do this very surgery. That will be hard to deal with if it's what I ended up needing. Not just because of the emotional pain of infertility (although that's part of it) but the physical pain. I know the symptoms have worsened since then, but isn't it their jobs to explore everything, rather than doing half the tests, and then labeling me with "unexplained infertility"?

I'm trying to remind myself that they may not find anything with the surgery. That I will be left with more questions than I have now. There's a line between being positive and being unrealistic.

Maybe I will finally have some answers!

Well, after STILL having pain yesterday, I went to the GYN. I can't believe not only how strong the pain was this month, but how long is lasted. Usually I deal with it for a day, we were on day 4! And it wasn't my imagination, it woke me up out of a deep sleep last night. Anyway, I went to the GYN, and he asked if I wanted stronger meds to help manage the pain (which I'm not a big fan of...I really don't like taking meds unless there is no other choice) or if I wanted to go the surgery route. He did tell me if I wanted surgery, he wanted to do it sooner rather than later, since it definitely seems to be getting worse.

Soooo....I will be having surgery a week from today. I'm nervous. Not so much about the surgery itself. What really terrifies me is that they won't find anything. Stay with me here. If there is something wrong (like Endometriosis) then they can fix it. And I won't have pain. I can't even imagine anymore what it's like to NOT be doubled over in pain, or curled around a heating pad crying, 2 days a month (sometimes more). Quite honestly, at this point, "curing" the infertility is a nice side effect. I just want the pain gone. If they find endo, and clean it out, then my fertility should be restored. It would be so nice to have answers for the emotional pain, too.

It seems to me that a lot of people think pain like what I've been having is nothing more than bad cramps. Oh my, these are no normal cramps. I kid you not, I have been doubled over crying because of the pain. Pain meds rarely help. Sometimes they take the edge off, but not enough to make me comfortable. Or even enough to make me sleep.

The thought process my dr and I talked about is that perhaps when they did the cervical surgery almost 4 years ago, and the subsequent loss of blood & the treatment for that, led to some scarring. (I remember telling my GYN when we first started trying to conceive that my cramps had progressively gotten worse. She chalked it up to age. I'd like to throttle her for not listening) Once I had the HSG the cramps got much worse. My GYN now and I agree that the dye going through my tubes (one side which was partially blocked) probably pushed some of the scarring to a place that causes increased pain. Because after the HSG, bad cramps became unbearable cramps.

Anyway, all this to say that, a week from today, I will finally have some answers. I hope.

What a weekend!

Phew! Let me just tell you...It's been a busy weekend. Saturday was Wyatt's birthday party. We had SO much fun, and his cake turned out far better than the one on his actual birthday. I guess with practice things do get better! (And fire engines are red instead of pink)

Also this weekend was the SCHEA homechooling convention. It was pretty small, but I did get some good info. One of the best things I heard, I think, was when someone said "Remember, you really only have to be one day ahead of your child". That's so true! And, there's always Google to the rescue! On the one hand, I loved that it was a smaller convention. As a new-ish homeschooler, it wasn't at all overwhelming. And it was nice to meet a few local moms, as well as finding out that there is a group of moms in Manning who will be starting to homeschool in the Fall as well, so we are trying to have a get together. That would be nice, since the closest group I can find is about 45 minutes away. Totally doable, but I'd rather it be closer. I did find out, through an online group of mine, about a much larger conference that happens in March. It's for the entire South Eastern US, and it happens to be in SC. We are making plans to attend that.

Saturday night I was having horrible stomach pain. The meds my GYN gave me to help with the menstrual pain worked so well the last 2 months. This month? Not so much. I had taken one more than is prescribed, and still was doubled over sobbing Saturday night. I finally went to the ER. (And let me just ask, why is it that they must give you shots in your butt? I have many more muscles.) I was still sore yesterday, some cramps and I was exhausted, but mostly it was that my stomach muscles felt tired. The ER doctor said he wouldn't give me a diagnosis because I'm being followed by a GYN, but that he thinks my suspicions (about endometriosis) are right. I'm calling my gyn today. We will have insurance in Sept and had been planning on me having the surgery then, but Randy said he'd much rather I have it sooner, even if it means paying out of pocket. The pains are getting more intense and lasting longer. Even just 2 months has made a difference.

Yesterday was Father's Day. From my point of view, it was perfect, except we missed church. There was just no way. I slept in, thanks to the ER visit. (Sorry Randy, that's not how I planned on it going yesterday morning!) We got up, kinda hung around as a family, then we went to my dad's. We gave him his gifts, which were some motorcycle decor, as well as some marinated steaks to cook on his (insert TV announcer voice) BRAND NEW GRILL!!! We had a blast. I think Dad had fun, as well as Randy. Wyatt's behavior was amazing. He was so good yesterday. He had a few moments where he got upset over not getting what he wanted, but he'd go in another room to pout, which is what we've been encouraging him to do. (I don't care that he gets upset, I want him to know it's ok to be upset, but not that it's ok for him to have fits.) The only reason I want him to go into another room is because it helps him to calm down. He knows he can be upset in front of me (or anyone really), as long as he's respectful. But if he chooses to go in another room, I don't blame him. All in all, it was a really good day.

If I get spread any more thin....I'll be skinny

I don't cry in front of people. I know why I don't, but that doesn't change the fact that I don't. I wish I did sometimes.

I feel like lately I just have A LOT on my plate. Don't get me wrong. It's not bad stuff. It's just....stuff. There's a lot of it though. I kind of feel like I'm on overload, and adding anymore "stuff" is just not going to be dealt with the way I normally would. To some people, it may not even be important stuff, or it may be major stuff. But it's my stuff either way. I was kinda handed a big helping of more stuff this week, and I think I'm still processing it. Any other week, I probably would have hung up the phone and had a big fat cry, but this week it was still sinking in through the stuff. Rest assured, I've said many a prayer over this particular serving of stuff.

I think I didn't react the way the server of this helping would have liked. Quite honestly, there are still some unknowns about this particular side dish, so I honestly can't get upset over it quite yet. Between my upcoming surgery, not to mention our family income being cut in half, I can only deal with "This is what it is." Not "This is what it could be" But my reaction must have been poor, or not what the server wanted, because it was announced to the entire world that, basically, I suck. And, I'm sure if someone recognizes themselves in this post, that person will be upset, because God forbid I be hurt by something that's said. I can't help it. I'm hurt.

This post is not meant to lash out at the server. Far from it. It's to vent in a safe place. This is my safe place. I don't care who reads it, honestly. I say what I want to here. Because, well, I can. And, most of the time, me saying it here means that my plate has just a little less stuff on it

Forgiveness

This blog comes, appropriately, on my sweet girl's 10th birthday. Happy Birthday, Ashley! (For those that don't know, Ashley is my daughter being raised by her Dad and Stepmom, and I haven't seen her for over 6 years)

So this Sunday our sermon was on forgiving others. I sat in that sanctuary and could honestly say that I do forgive my enemies. Yes, I can dislike what they have done to me, I can be angry about it, I can be hurt by it, but I can (and have) forgive. I have to. Maybe I forgive for selfish reasons. You see, if I choose NOT to forgive, then it eats me up. I can be consumed by the anger, the rage, the injustice. Or, I can accept that it happened, forgive, and move on. WOW! There is so much freedom in that. I certainly can't expect everyone to understand. They don't have to. But *I* know how much it lightens my load to forgive my enemies. My personal enemies. It really changes who you are as a person if you can do that.

There's a hard part though.

How do you forgive yourself? I made choices over 6 years ago, and more recently, that aren't the same choices I'd make today. Do I regret them? That's a hard thing to answer. I know my daughter is happy, I know she's loved. No, she's not with me, and I don't think it's the best, and I KNOW when I see her again it's going to be so hard for everyone (Including Lee and Shelbi). I made the best decisions I could at the time. I don't doubt that. I do doubt whether they were best in the long run. I've never harmed a hair on either of my child's head, but, for a while, I wasn't the best mom. I thank God every day that I can say I've changed. But there is still a huge sense of loss. And it hurts. And I did it to myself. I didn't stand up for myself. Like I said, when I made those choices I truly believed, and continue to believe, they were the best choices at the time. But I'm still angry-with myself.

Why is it I can forgive those who hurt me, but I can't forgive myself? (Yes, there were things Shelbi did that hurt me terribly, and continue to affect me today...I still have such a hard time trusting people. But you know what? I forgive her. I think she thought she was doing them for Ash. I don't know what she thought, or why she did it. It doesn't matter. I forgive her.) I can't forgive myself that neither of my children have grown up knowing each other. Or, frankly, even knowing about each other. I know I have to, but forgiving others is so much easier for me.

I guess it's that I can't control someone else's actions. I can control my reaction though. And I certainly can control my actions. It's relatively easy to forgive when I'm not at fault.

Some may read this and call me naive. Honestly, I expect it. And if you do, I'm sorry. I really am. Because you don't know how liberating it is to TRULY forgive your personal enemies. God knows, it's not easy. But really, are the best things ever easy?

Forgiveness: The Bible Verses

²⁷ “But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. ²⁸ Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. ²⁹ If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. ³⁰ Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back. ³¹ Do to others as you would like them to do to you.

³² “If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! ³³ And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! ³⁴ And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return.

³⁵ “Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. ³⁶ You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.

³⁷ “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. ³⁸ Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.^[c]”

³⁹ Then Jesus gave the following illustration: “Can one blind person lead another? Won’t they both fall into a ditch? ⁴⁰ Students^[d] are not greater than their teacher. But the student who is fully trained will become like the teacher.

⁴¹ “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye^[e] when you have a log in your own? ⁴² How can you think of saying, ‘Friend,^[f] let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.

Luke 6:27-42

YAY for VACAY!

Wahoo! We have officially booked our vacation! We will be going to Myrtle Beach and staying here. We reserved an ocean view room. I am so excited! We did get a package with unlimited access to a waterpark (in addition to the one on site) as well as unlimited rides at the amusement park every night. I think we want to try to go to the beach for a weekend every month. Even if it's just for one night, staying in a ho hum hotel, that's the kinda stuff childhood memories are made of! If we had a camper, that would be SO much easier, but for now, this will work :) YAY!

Happy birthday, stink bug!

I really cannot believe Wyatt is 6 today. I am so proud of him. He's so smart, and he's such a sweet, thoughtful, kind little boy.

I remember how it felt when I realized he wasn't a baby and that he was a toddler. Now...man....He's really a KID.

He makes me laugh all the time. He's so funny. I can't even begin to imagine where I would be, or what my life would be like, without him.

It's been an interesting 6 years. I almost lost him, we almost lost me, we gained a "family", we've moved, we've become cat people, we've public schooled, private schooled, and homeschooled. We've pretty much figured out what he will be when he grows up. I wouldn't want to change a thing about the last 6 years.

I told him the other day that he was almost too big to sit in my lap. His answer? "That's ok, Mommy. When I'm too big to sit in your lap, you can sit in mine" God, I'm so blessed.

Happy birthday, Stink bug.

Resigning today

I stayed home for a while, then Randy and I were separating. Well, our marriage is better, and we both feel that, for our family, it's best for me to stay home. I'm really excited, but, I love my job (most days). I love the people I work with. I love my patients. This is so hard for me, even though I really do want to stay home, and it helps that Randy really wants it too. (Probably more than me, lol)

My resignation isn't even going to be effective until August, unless they find someone sooner. I just feel...I don't know. Sad.

It's very bittersweet for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to homeschooling next year. I can't wait to feel like my house is finally back in order (sometimes...HA!) I have sewing/crochet/scrapbooking projects piled up that I will have more time for. I know that it won't all get done, because, best of all, I'll have more time for my family.

I know I'm rambling, but...I'm just full of mixed emotions right now. I just remember Wyatt looking at me and saying that I never have time to do anything with him anymore. That's all the encouragement I need that I'm doing the right thing. My family needs me far more than some job.

I know this post doesn't convey it, but I really am excited. Just a little sad too.

I wanna go back to sleep!

And yes, I'm stomping my feet and crossing my arms. The stupid dog woke me up at 3:00 this morning, and naturally, I fell back to sleep about 1/2 hour after I had to get up for the day, then over slept. Don't ya love how that works?

Yesterday was one of the best services I have been to in a while. I don't know if I just had so much lifted off my heart, or if it was sitting next to one of the best girls in the world, or what, but it was great. It was what church is supposed to be. I left feeling completely refreshed. Randy and I had a class to attend last night. When we left, we looked over the small groups, and found a marriage enrichment one meeting at 11, which means we can regularly attend the 9:45 service, which makes me feel SO great! I really feel in my heart that things are turning out the way they are supposed to. Of course, life isn't totally perfect, but I don't think it's supposed to be. I definitely see a very large light at the end of the tunnel. Finally!

So, I can be a bit OCD, especially about organization. Wyatt? Not so much. I'm trying to figure out how to balance us so that we can homeschool, and homeschool WELL. He's almost a perfect kid for unschooling, but I'm just not to comfortable with that. I know, I know, I swore I wouldn't really think too far ahead until after the conference next week. (I'm excited, aren't you! :P) I was looking at A Beka curriculum online, and it's said to be a more advanced curriculum. Well, he's in 3rd grade math and 5th grade Language Arts. I definitely won't be able to teach out of a kit. I'm going to have to play around and figure out something as unique as he is. Which is what homeschooling is about!

I'm finding lately that I have less to do online. Usually what I do is goofing around, I'm not as tied to any social site as I used to be. Which is a very good thing. I am kinda getting back involved with Cafe Mom but not for the drama, like I used to be. Now it's truly about learning how to be a better mom and wife. There's a lot of homeschooling support on there, too.

The future is looking good, baby!

Yeah yeah. Here I am

I have been SO unbelievably tired lately. It's all I can do to keep my eyes open, and I never feel like I've had enough sleep. This is getting pretty insane. At any given moment through the day, I could take a nap. And I'm sleeping at night. It's not like there's even a reason for it. It's so frustrating. My house is a total wreck.

With that being said...something someone said about cramps (remember me posting about how it's near impossible for me to get out of bed because of them some days?) Well, I googled endometriosis. Here are the symptoms, with the ones I've had highlighted.

• Pain before and during periods
• Pain with intercourse
• General, chronic pelvic pain throughout the month
• Low back pain
• Heavy and/or irregular periods
• Painful bowel movements, especially during menstruation
• Painful urination during menstruation
• Fatigue
• Infertility
• Diarrhoea or constipation

Sorry for the parts that are TMI. But I feel like I'm onto something! Now, the issue is that the only way they can check for it is surgery. This is what the Mean Doctor in Hershey told me he wanted me to lose weight for. So, with that being said, I am shooting to have the surgery early this fall. We should have insurance Sept 1, and that gives me the summer to get some of this weight off. (Not to mention motivation...either way, I want to be below a certain weight before we do any more treatments) Oh! And it lets us save money before we do another round of treatments.

Do you know me to be a patient person? *Sigh* Guess I will have all summer to work on that too. Ahh well, we are getting Wyatt a pool for his birthday (shhh don't tell) so I will be enjoying that in the mean time.

I have lots of topics swimming in my head to post about, so I promise to be back tomorrow.