How much do I want to do with this?

It's a funny thing. On the one hand, I don't care what people think about how I feel or what I think. I know me, and if I'm going to blog, I'm going to put it all out there. I don't like to filter or censor my feelings. I have nothing to hide. But at the same time there are, unfortunately, some people in my life who I know will twist words and use them against me some how. Past behavior has shown that. It took a long time for me to have trust for people in general...and that included my best friends. It was pretty bad. But at the same time, now, I just don't care. If nothing else, I know who my true friends are, and I know how valuable they are. That is a gift~learning not to take people for granted. The person/people who, let's just say, put my guard up, may or may not read my blog. If they do, that's fine, I just don't want anything said here to be used against me somehow. I don't care what people think to an extent, but I deserve to be happy.

Anyway, all of this is to say that I don't know how...published I want this to be. The initial purpose for my blog was to keep family/friends updated all in one fell swoop. Then the blogging community became a support system with the infertility. Now, well....I'm really not sure why I have it anymore, unless it's to just journal for myself. I enjoy writing, and I actually have made some friends through this crazy thing. There are so many websites you can use to promote your blog, and I don't know how involved I want to get with all of that.

All that to say, I will keep the blog, I just don't know what I'm going to do with it

Maybe it's time....

This is a really hard post to write.

My step-mom called today. She's having a yard sale next weekend, and she wanted to know if I wanted her to sell all of the baby stuff that is still in SC. I told her yes, I mean, I clearly have no plans for any of it in the near future.

I hung up the phone, poured a glass of wine, and burst into tears. Logically, I know that selling those things doesn't mean that I'm giving up the idea of ever having another baby. But it does feel like I'm slamming a door on my dream of a big family.Here I am, 32 (ancient in trying to conceive years), single, and "infertile". Not that selling that stuff changes any of that, but it's so...tangible. Right now, I feel hopeless, and mad and full of "it's not fair". Here I am, finally comfortable and sure that I"m a good mom, and....well, I'm not going to have a big family.

I feel like this is forcing me to accept the infertility. I'm acknowledging that another successful pregnancy isn't probable. I think acceptance is overrated. I don't want to accept that another baby isn't going to happen.

I can say that getting rid of those things doesn't mean anything, but it does. It means that I'm moving on to the next chapter of my life. I'm accepting that things aren't what I wanted them to be.

Yes, I am so very very grateful for what I have. Every day my son says or does something that just amazes me and makes me realize how very blessed I am.

But I can't make him a big brother. And that sucks.