So much...where to begin?

I still struggle with how honest I want to be in my blog. Well, let me rephrase that. What I post is always honest. I guess I mean that I struggle with how much to share. I have no shame, and really don't see the sense in hiding anything, but at the same time I don't want my personal fears to get all twisted, or made to be something other people can laugh over. Just a random thought before my real post.

So, tonight begins a new adventure for me. Our church is starting a new (for us) program on Wednesday nights. We're changing to Journey Kids. I've been asked to be one of three group leaders for the 4th grade girls' class. I'm a little nervous. I don't know that I'm the right person to lead ANYONE spiritually. But after a lot of prayer, I do feel that it's the place I should be right now. I'm definitely nervous about it, but so happy that the Children's Ministry leader at my church felt it was something I can do. There are a lot of guidelines to follow, so that's helpful. I'm still crazy nervous though!

There's been a lot going on with Wyatt lately. He's not adjusting to all the changes nearly as well as I had originally thought. Last night some things came to light, and I'm not proud of how I had been handling things prior to that. Needless to say, some of the things he told me have me wanting to be a much better mom. I'm going to his school today to speak with his guidance counselor. I didn't realize how stressed the poor kiddo was. I can't change how anything's happened leading up to now, I can only change how they are from here out. And believe me, I'm changing them! I definitely need to make him a bigger priority. I mean, he's ALWAYS my biggest priority, but lately I haven't really shown it. I've been so tired and cranky, and it's really affected him. So now we have a family rule that for a minimum of half hour on weekdays we are doing something together that doesn't involve technology. Playing catch, board games, reading, whatever. Sounds so simple, right? Well, oddly enough, that hasn't so much happened. We are also going to be eating dinner at the table together EVERY night. And we're going back to "unplugging" on Sundays. No technology, just family. I think I've let him forget how important he really is to me. After a little scare we had last night, I can't let that happen again. And I won't. I'm just glad everything came to light before it got too late. If I can take anything away from this, it's not to take your kids for granted. Just because they seem to be dealing with things well, doesn't always mean they are. Not my proudest Mommy moment, but there it is.

I didn't want a roller coaster

So the past few days I've been really emotional. No clue why. I've cried at anything and everything. Yesterday I figured I would take a pregnancy test. Well, I got....an evap line. I mean, that really screws with a person emotionally. I know it was an evap line for sure because I tested again this morning,and it's definitely negative.

People, who try to say the right thing, inevitably end up saying the wrong thing. I know they mean well, but sometimes I really just want to tell them to shove it.

So now, on top of being emotional for some reason (maybe just being stuck in the house), I'm bummed because I had a major sense of hope, and...it's gone.

It doesn't help that there's a girl I feel has made several passive aggressive comments that are directed at me. I try to ignore them, but I can't really ignore her. It's frustrating to say the least. I wish, if she had a problem, she would just say something. I may be reading too much into it, so I'm just patiently waiting to see if yet another thing comes up. If so, I will address it. In the meantime, I just continue to do what's best for our family, and not try to please anyone else. It's a nudge to remember that not everyone is my friend, and to quit expecting to trust someone I haven't known for long.

It's just been a week. I keep doing my best to take comfort in the fact that all of this serves a purpose. God knows what He's doing, and I have to trust Him.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to watch a Baby Story and wallow in my misery.

A little addition to the last post

It dawned on me that my last post probably seemed a little bitter. Well, I am a little bitter towards the doctors at Hershey, myself for not standing up for myself, etc. But, please know this...

God has brought all of this on. He has a reason, a purpose for putting me through this. I don't know what it is, and, honestly, I don't want to know. I don't want to know what He knows. That is terrifying. I'm grateful to Him, because now I have an appreciation for pregnancy, infancy and such that I had taken for granted before. It's helped me to appreciate Wyatt more. It's also given me a different perspective on miscarriage. I know now how sometimes the words that you think are so right are so wrong, and don't actually provide comfort. I know how scary being pregnant can be for some people. I think it's made me more sensitive and, hopefully, a better friend and healthcare worker.

Anyway, all this was to say that I'm not bitter AT ALL with God. I trust that He has a plan, and there is a lot of comfort to be found in that.

No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts has helped me have this perspective. This song has helped me stay positive, and keep my relationship with Him.

I wanna go back to sleep!

And yes, I'm stomping my feet and crossing my arms. The stupid dog woke me up at 3:00 this morning, and naturally, I fell back to sleep about 1/2 hour after I had to get up for the day, then over slept. Don't ya love how that works?

Yesterday was one of the best services I have been to in a while. I don't know if I just had so much lifted off my heart, or if it was sitting next to one of the best girls in the world, or what, but it was great. It was what church is supposed to be. I left feeling completely refreshed. Randy and I had a class to attend last night. When we left, we looked over the small groups, and found a marriage enrichment one meeting at 11, which means we can regularly attend the 9:45 service, which makes me feel SO great! I really feel in my heart that things are turning out the way they are supposed to. Of course, life isn't totally perfect, but I don't think it's supposed to be. I definitely see a very large light at the end of the tunnel. Finally!

So, I can be a bit OCD, especially about organization. Wyatt? Not so much. I'm trying to figure out how to balance us so that we can homeschool, and homeschool WELL. He's almost a perfect kid for unschooling, but I'm just not to comfortable with that. I know, I know, I swore I wouldn't really think too far ahead until after the conference next week. (I'm excited, aren't you! :P) I was looking at A Beka curriculum online, and it's said to be a more advanced curriculum. Well, he's in 3rd grade math and 5th grade Language Arts. I definitely won't be able to teach out of a kit. I'm going to have to play around and figure out something as unique as he is. Which is what homeschooling is about!

I'm finding lately that I have less to do online. Usually what I do is goofing around, I'm not as tied to any social site as I used to be. Which is a very good thing. I am kinda getting back involved with Cafe Mom but not for the drama, like I used to be. Now it's truly about learning how to be a better mom and wife. There's a lot of homeschooling support on there, too.

The future is looking good, baby!

Believe it or not...

...I really haven't had much to say.

This was a great weekend. Sunday we went to church, and had yet another wonderful sermon from Pastor Clay. I really do love our church. I think I'm going to have to stop attending small group on Sunday morning though. At Wyatt's age, they can only do 1 session of Sunday School. So, of course, he needs to be in there while I'm in my class. Well, that means he sits in the service with me. That is not working out so well. I worry that he may be disruptive to others, but, more than that, I can't focus on the sermon. I really don't get much out of it at all. So, it may be time to say farewell to small group. :(

Yesterday we went into one of the larger towns. We decided, in planning for Wyatt's party, to see if a membership to Sam's Club would be worth the price. I printed out a free 1 day trial coupon, and off we went. They are running a special right now, buy 10 weeks of full membership for 10.00. We went ahead and signed up, then just walked around the club. There are LOTS of deals that made signing up worthwhile! In fact, yesterday, we only got 2 things, but we still saved the 10.00 membership fee, and spent less than 20.00. How do you like them apples?

So, I've done lots of stuff with Wyatt while looking at different styles/sets of curriculum. I have to say, it looks as though he will be doing 2nd grade work for the majority of his homeschooling. That really reaffirms my choice to homeschool. He's in 2nd grade math. He's already started multiplying. As far as reading, well....he's beyond 3rd grade, at the very least. I had been hoping to purchase a box set to make the first full year a little easier, but it doesn't look like that will be an option. I will need to get a little from here, and a little from there. On the other hand, I am sooo proud of little man! He is so smart <3 I am truly blessed

Just one line

OK, so you spend less than a dollar on something that's sole purpose it to be peed on. And you take it home, wait until morning, and pee on it. Then when that stick only shows one pink line, you can't help it. You get mad at it. Like it's the stick's fault your body doesn't do what it's supposed to.

I can say that, once the initial disappointment passes, I am secure in the knowledge that things are going to be ok. First, the disappointment is getting easier to deal with. It just doesn't hurt as much anymore.

My mom asked me the other day if I was mad and frustrated that I'm not getting pregnant. I told her I'm not. And that's not a lie. I have such a comfort in the fact that God has a plan. She asked if I was angry that I conceived so easily before. I just chose to laugh about it. It's hard to be angry about something that brought me love. Sure, there are times that I wonder why I was able to conceive so easily before, but I don't ever get angry. I have learned enough to know that I will appreciate pregnancy so much more. And, really, if Randy and I were going through a pregnancy or infancy when we had these marital problems, I don't know that we would have made it. And, I'm learning SO much more about the kind of pregnancy, childbirth, and infant raising that I want to have. I think if I had gotten pregnant when we started trying, I wouldn't be so well informed. So, the wait is coming in handy.

In the meantime, this video really speaks to me.

Going to Hershey

I am SO proud of Wyatt. As all moms know, we never stop loving our children. But there are times when you just...appreciate them more.

Every night before bed we say prayers. First we say the "Nite nite prayer", then the Our Father. We finish by thanking God for what He has given us, then asking Him for what we want. I have never told Wyatt some things are better to ask for than others. I want him to think he can talk to God like He's a friend. Last night, he thanked God for his house, his parents, and his friends. Then my sweet little boy remembered a conversation he had overheard that morning about a good friend of ours who has been down on his luck lately. It was a very brief conversation, but one that made an impression, apparently. He then asked God to help Mr. Rust (Russ) have cars that worked. I have never been more proud of my son than I was then.

Last night Wyatt also did a big thing. For the first time in MONTHS he fell asleep in his own bed BY HIMSELF! He still woke up in the middle of the night and crawled in bed with me (Randy was at work). But still...that was a major step! So, we are going to the Hershey outlets today to go to the Disney Store to get a toy. Maybe we will even go to Chocolate World for lunch. (They have the BEST bread in the Kit Kat Cafe) And if mom gets some chocolate? Well, all the better :)

Some days it would be so hard to figure out ways that I'm NOT blessed.