Well, we definitely didn't get the answer we wanted. We didn't get any answers. Although the GYN did tell Randy that my cervix is awfully hard. Maybe we did get something out of it.
This morning, when I was waiting for surgery, I did get a little nervous. I had a few "I wanna go home" moments. I got pretty scared. But, I closed my eyes, and had a chat with God. I told Him that no matter the outcome, I would still love Him, and I'd still need Him. I prayed for answers, for acceptance, and for peace. In my head I kept hearing "This pain aint gonna last much longer, believe me, this is gonna make you stronger" I couldn't ask for a better song to be stuck in my head.
So how do I feel now? Physically, really sore. My throat hurts, my shoulder hurts (from the gas..don'task why), and my stomach is sore.
Emotionally, I'm somewhat numb. I could cry at the drop of a hat, and that's not like me. I think I've kinda taken the pain of not knowing WHY and pushed it away. Now that Randy has told me what the GYN said, then I feel that, maybe, we have a new direction to move toward. Maybe not. But, right now, I feel "ok"
Spiritually, I actually feel good. I feel an incredible peace. I feel a comfort that I know can only come from Him. Tomorrow may be different, but right now, I feel good spiritually. For that, I thank everyone who said a prayer for me today.
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I knew it would happen eventually....
...I had my "Holy cow, I'm going to have surgery" moment yesterday.
I was finishing up at work and telling the girl I was working with where I had lab stuff, what still needed to be done with a particular issue, and it hit me. It suddenly hit me WHY I had to tell her. And WHY I wouldn't be at work. I'm having surgery. They are going to make me unconscious, invade my body, and (hopefully) remove stuff from it. And it's not just something that's going to happen eventually, it's going to happen tomorrow! (Well, today now) I think it's harder for me this time around because I KNOW that I don't wake up well from anesthesia. At least now I know it, and I can share that valuable piece of info with the nurses. But anyway, I had my little mental break down. In the midst of it, Randy texted me to tell me he has to be at work early, so he couldn't take me to the hospital. Poor man. He didn't know I was falling apart at the moment.
My biggest fear, physically, is that they will nick something while they are in there. Emotionally, I'm afraid that I'm spending 10,000 on this surgery for them to find absolutely nothing. Spiritually...I'm scared that I will be angry at God. For the first time, I finally have that relationship I've heard people talk about. I still think that relationship is a little fragile. I don't want to lose it. Since discovering that I had so many symptoms of Endo, I've had hope. Here's a problem, and, if I have it, they can fix it. I haven't really let myself think that I may not have it. So if I don't....then what is it? Why do I have so much pain? Why can't I get pregnant? What about our dreams of having a big family? How could God let this happen?
That was my biggest prayer yesterday, and today. That God will help me accept the outcome, whatever it may be. If they don't find anything, that I will be able to accept that. There's even some acceptance that will have to happen if they DO find something...I have to accept that, for the rest of my life, when I have a menstrual cycle, it's doing damage to my body. But I can deal with that. I don't know if I can deal with not having answers. It honestly isn't just the infertility. It's the pain that has me doubled over, even after taking twice as much prescription pain relievers. There has to be a reason for that. That isn't cramps. That's got to be indicative that something is wrong. So what is it? I mean, I look around my house, and next to the bed, my recliner, and the office chair are heating pads. Who has heating pads placed strategically around the house?
Alright, God. Help me through this. Please give me answers. But, most of all, I need acceptance.
Stronger, Mandisa
I was finishing up at work and telling the girl I was working with where I had lab stuff, what still needed to be done with a particular issue, and it hit me. It suddenly hit me WHY I had to tell her. And WHY I wouldn't be at work. I'm having surgery. They are going to make me unconscious, invade my body, and (hopefully) remove stuff from it. And it's not just something that's going to happen eventually, it's going to happen tomorrow! (Well, today now) I think it's harder for me this time around because I KNOW that I don't wake up well from anesthesia. At least now I know it, and I can share that valuable piece of info with the nurses. But anyway, I had my little mental break down. In the midst of it, Randy texted me to tell me he has to be at work early, so he couldn't take me to the hospital. Poor man. He didn't know I was falling apart at the moment.
My biggest fear, physically, is that they will nick something while they are in there. Emotionally, I'm afraid that I'm spending 10,000 on this surgery for them to find absolutely nothing. Spiritually...I'm scared that I will be angry at God. For the first time, I finally have that relationship I've heard people talk about. I still think that relationship is a little fragile. I don't want to lose it. Since discovering that I had so many symptoms of Endo, I've had hope. Here's a problem, and, if I have it, they can fix it. I haven't really let myself think that I may not have it. So if I don't....then what is it? Why do I have so much pain? Why can't I get pregnant? What about our dreams of having a big family? How could God let this happen?
That was my biggest prayer yesterday, and today. That God will help me accept the outcome, whatever it may be. If they don't find anything, that I will be able to accept that. There's even some acceptance that will have to happen if they DO find something...I have to accept that, for the rest of my life, when I have a menstrual cycle, it's doing damage to my body. But I can deal with that. I don't know if I can deal with not having answers. It honestly isn't just the infertility. It's the pain that has me doubled over, even after taking twice as much prescription pain relievers. There has to be a reason for that. That isn't cramps. That's got to be indicative that something is wrong. So what is it? I mean, I look around my house, and next to the bed, my recliner, and the office chair are heating pads. Who has heating pads placed strategically around the house?
Alright, God. Help me through this. Please give me answers. But, most of all, I need acceptance.
Stronger, Mandisa
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Overwhelmed
But in a good way.
Yesterday, I got in the car to meet Randy for dinner. I prayed that God would give me a sign that He is listening. Not just to me, but to a friend who needs Him more than I thought she knew. We got sidelined talking to my stepmom, and ended up rushing. When I finally got around to turning on the radio, Blessings was just starting....the song that has given me so much comfort and hope recently. We were only about a minute away from the restaurant, so had I not been "stuck" talking to Vicky, or if any other number of things...I wouldn't have heard the song. I sat in the parking lot while it finished and cried. I know He's listening. I know He hears us.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed, wide awake. Something told me to pray...and I did. I prayed hard. I thanked Him for all He does, and I prayed for answers...even if they aren't the ones I want, I prayed for them anyway. I hate this limbo. I prayed for a friend and her trials right now.
This morning, I logged into Facebook. Sometimes I see blogs on there before I do on Blogger, because I have friends that post there too. I guess they cross post. But I read her blog. She's been struggling with her faith. And I get it, I've been there. But sometime last night she posted that she knows she believes. She posted that some things have helped her to remember that she believes, and that God does love her. I am overwhelmed with joy for her. I know it's still going to be a long hard road, boy do I know that. But she will never be alone. And she will have comfort. I'm so honored to know that what I've posted here, between music and some of the words, played a small part in that.
In it's own way, it reminds me that what we go through does have a purpose. Sure, I'd love to just be able to look at my husband and get pregnant, like some people seem to do. But if I have to go through what I've gone through, knowing that my experiences can somehow help someone else...It makes that pill a less bitter one to swallow.
Yesterday, I got in the car to meet Randy for dinner. I prayed that God would give me a sign that He is listening. Not just to me, but to a friend who needs Him more than I thought she knew. We got sidelined talking to my stepmom, and ended up rushing. When I finally got around to turning on the radio, Blessings was just starting....the song that has given me so much comfort and hope recently. We were only about a minute away from the restaurant, so had I not been "stuck" talking to Vicky, or if any other number of things...I wouldn't have heard the song. I sat in the parking lot while it finished and cried. I know He's listening. I know He hears us.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed, wide awake. Something told me to pray...and I did. I prayed hard. I thanked Him for all He does, and I prayed for answers...even if they aren't the ones I want, I prayed for them anyway. I hate this limbo. I prayed for a friend and her trials right now.
This morning, I logged into Facebook. Sometimes I see blogs on there before I do on Blogger, because I have friends that post there too. I guess they cross post. But I read her blog. She's been struggling with her faith. And I get it, I've been there. But sometime last night she posted that she knows she believes. She posted that some things have helped her to remember that she believes, and that God does love her. I am overwhelmed with joy for her. I know it's still going to be a long hard road, boy do I know that. But she will never be alone. And she will have comfort. I'm so honored to know that what I've posted here, between music and some of the words, played a small part in that.
In it's own way, it reminds me that what we go through does have a purpose. Sure, I'd love to just be able to look at my husband and get pregnant, like some people seem to do. But if I have to go through what I've gone through, knowing that my experiences can somehow help someone else...It makes that pill a less bitter one to swallow.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Wow...
I have found an AMAZING new artist. Well, new to me. Her name is Laura Story. There's a song she's had on the radio that has really spoken to me. I'm sitting here listening to more of her songs, and the tears are flowing.
Blessings really speaks to me. I know it's all for a greater purpose.
Perfect Peace is the song I "discovered" today. I love it. You can take so many different views. It applies to everyone.
Blessings really speaks to me. I know it's all for a greater purpose.
Perfect Peace is the song I "discovered" today. I love it. You can take so many different views. It applies to everyone.
I don't know how to help!
I have a friend who doesn't live terribly close to me. We've never been super close, but we've definitely been friends.
She's just suffered through her second miscarriage. I don't know what to say to her. (But, I do know what NOT to say). She's had some infertility testing, and they may have pinpointed part of the reason.
Right now she's angry (not that I blame her). Especially with God. I was so fortunate to have some people who reminded me who He is, and that all things work for Him, even if we don't understand them at the time. And I was able to find comfort in that. I feel horrible, because I want her to have that same comfort. I think, without it, I would have gone insane this last year. When that test came back positive, but the blood test was negative, I wanted to blame someone...who else? But I know He loves me, and He cares for me.
I wish she could see it to. She needs Him now more than ever. Her faith in God will get her through all of this.
If you're reading this, please know I'm not putting your problems "out there". We don't have the same followers, so no one reading this has a clue who I'm talking about. I'm hurting so badly for you right now, and I don't know how to make it better.
She's just suffered through her second miscarriage. I don't know what to say to her. (But, I do know what NOT to say). She's had some infertility testing, and they may have pinpointed part of the reason.
Right now she's angry (not that I blame her). Especially with God. I was so fortunate to have some people who reminded me who He is, and that all things work for Him, even if we don't understand them at the time. And I was able to find comfort in that. I feel horrible, because I want her to have that same comfort. I think, without it, I would have gone insane this last year. When that test came back positive, but the blood test was negative, I wanted to blame someone...who else? But I know He loves me, and He cares for me.
I wish she could see it to. She needs Him now more than ever. Her faith in God will get her through all of this.
If you're reading this, please know I'm not putting your problems "out there". We don't have the same followers, so no one reading this has a clue who I'm talking about. I'm hurting so badly for you right now, and I don't know how to make it better.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
A little addition to the last post
It dawned on me that my last post probably seemed a little bitter. Well, I am a little bitter towards the doctors at Hershey, myself for not standing up for myself, etc. But, please know this...
God has brought all of this on. He has a reason, a purpose for putting me through this. I don't know what it is, and, honestly, I don't want to know. I don't want to know what He knows. That is terrifying. I'm grateful to Him, because now I have an appreciation for pregnancy, infancy and such that I had taken for granted before. It's helped me to appreciate Wyatt more. It's also given me a different perspective on miscarriage. I know now how sometimes the words that you think are so right are so wrong, and don't actually provide comfort. I know how scary being pregnant can be for some people. I think it's made me more sensitive and, hopefully, a better friend and healthcare worker.
Anyway, all this was to say that I'm not bitter AT ALL with God. I trust that He has a plan, and there is a lot of comfort to be found in that.
No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts has helped me have this perspective. This song has helped me stay positive, and keep my relationship with Him.
God has brought all of this on. He has a reason, a purpose for putting me through this. I don't know what it is, and, honestly, I don't want to know. I don't want to know what He knows. That is terrifying. I'm grateful to Him, because now I have an appreciation for pregnancy, infancy and such that I had taken for granted before. It's helped me to appreciate Wyatt more. It's also given me a different perspective on miscarriage. I know now how sometimes the words that you think are so right are so wrong, and don't actually provide comfort. I know how scary being pregnant can be for some people. I think it's made me more sensitive and, hopefully, a better friend and healthcare worker.
Anyway, all this was to say that I'm not bitter AT ALL with God. I trust that He has a plan, and there is a lot of comfort to be found in that.
No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts has helped me have this perspective. This song has helped me stay positive, and keep my relationship with Him.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Forgiveness
This blog comes, appropriately, on my sweet girl's 10th birthday. Happy Birthday, Ashley! (For those that don't know, Ashley is my daughter being raised by her Dad and Stepmom, and I haven't seen her for over 6 years)
So this Sunday our sermon was on forgiving others. I sat in that sanctuary and could honestly say that I do forgive my enemies. Yes, I can dislike what they have done to me, I can be angry about it, I can be hurt by it, but I can (and have) forgive. I have to. Maybe I forgive for selfish reasons. You see, if I choose NOT to forgive, then it eats me up. I can be consumed by the anger, the rage, the injustice. Or, I can accept that it happened, forgive, and move on. WOW! There is so much freedom in that. I certainly can't expect everyone to understand. They don't have to. But *I* know how much it lightens my load to forgive my enemies. My personal enemies. It really changes who you are as a person if you can do that.
There's a hard part though.
How do you forgive yourself? I made choices over 6 years ago, and more recently, that aren't the same choices I'd make today. Do I regret them? That's a hard thing to answer. I know my daughter is happy, I know she's loved. No, she's not with me, and I don't think it's the best, and I KNOW when I see her again it's going to be so hard for everyone (Including Lee and Shelbi). I made the best decisions I could at the time. I don't doubt that. I do doubt whether they were best in the long run. I've never harmed a hair on either of my child's head, but, for a while, I wasn't the best mom. I thank God every day that I can say I've changed. But there is still a huge sense of loss. And it hurts. And I did it to myself. I didn't stand up for myself. Like I said, when I made those choices I truly believed, and continue to believe, they were the best choices at the time. But I'm still angry-with myself.
Why is it I can forgive those who hurt me, but I can't forgive myself? (Yes, there were things Shelbi did that hurt me terribly, and continue to affect me today...I still have such a hard time trusting people. But you know what? I forgive her. I think she thought she was doing them for Ash. I don't know what she thought, or why she did it. It doesn't matter. I forgive her.) I can't forgive myself that neither of my children have grown up knowing each other. Or, frankly, even knowing about each other. I know I have to, but forgiving others is so much easier for me.
I guess it's that I can't control someone else's actions. I can control my reaction though. And I certainly can control my actions. It's relatively easy to forgive when I'm not at fault.
Some may read this and call me naive. Honestly, I expect it. And if you do, I'm sorry. I really am. Because you don't know how liberating it is to TRULY forgive your personal enemies. God knows, it's not easy. But really, are the best things ever easy?
So this Sunday our sermon was on forgiving others. I sat in that sanctuary and could honestly say that I do forgive my enemies. Yes, I can dislike what they have done to me, I can be angry about it, I can be hurt by it, but I can (and have) forgive. I have to. Maybe I forgive for selfish reasons. You see, if I choose NOT to forgive, then it eats me up. I can be consumed by the anger, the rage, the injustice. Or, I can accept that it happened, forgive, and move on. WOW! There is so much freedom in that. I certainly can't expect everyone to understand. They don't have to. But *I* know how much it lightens my load to forgive my enemies. My personal enemies. It really changes who you are as a person if you can do that.
There's a hard part though.
How do you forgive yourself? I made choices over 6 years ago, and more recently, that aren't the same choices I'd make today. Do I regret them? That's a hard thing to answer. I know my daughter is happy, I know she's loved. No, she's not with me, and I don't think it's the best, and I KNOW when I see her again it's going to be so hard for everyone (Including Lee and Shelbi). I made the best decisions I could at the time. I don't doubt that. I do doubt whether they were best in the long run. I've never harmed a hair on either of my child's head, but, for a while, I wasn't the best mom. I thank God every day that I can say I've changed. But there is still a huge sense of loss. And it hurts. And I did it to myself. I didn't stand up for myself. Like I said, when I made those choices I truly believed, and continue to believe, they were the best choices at the time. But I'm still angry-with myself.
Why is it I can forgive those who hurt me, but I can't forgive myself? (Yes, there were things Shelbi did that hurt me terribly, and continue to affect me today...I still have such a hard time trusting people. But you know what? I forgive her. I think she thought she was doing them for Ash. I don't know what she thought, or why she did it. It doesn't matter. I forgive her.) I can't forgive myself that neither of my children have grown up knowing each other. Or, frankly, even knowing about each other. I know I have to, but forgiving others is so much easier for me.
I guess it's that I can't control someone else's actions. I can control my reaction though. And I certainly can control my actions. It's relatively easy to forgive when I'm not at fault.
Some may read this and call me naive. Honestly, I expect it. And if you do, I'm sorry. I really am. Because you don't know how liberating it is to TRULY forgive your personal enemies. God knows, it's not easy. But really, are the best things ever easy?
Saturday, May 21, 2011
My sorta bucket list
A bucket list is things to do before you die. I'm going to do a mini-bucket list. 20 things to do before I turn 35
~Change the decor in this house
~Rent a cabin in the mountains for a week
~Lose about 75 pounds
~Make Wyatt a big brother
~Find a "cause"...a place to volunteer my time...something really close to my heart
~Start working on my "secret" goal
~Make a better effort for meal planning
~Eat at the table as a family 5 nights out of the week
~"Unplug" weekly
~Develop a better relationship with God/Make church a priority
~Have a place for everything in this house!
~Have a flower garden and a vegetable garden
~Start composting
~Have some egg hens
~Finish the Love Dare
~Learn how to make my own lattes
~Make monthly date night a priority
~Get caught up with scrapbooking
~Reduce eating out to a once a month thing (or less!)
~Write a letter on paper once a week, to someone, anyone....(Penpal, family, etc)
~Change the decor in this house
~Rent a cabin in the mountains for a week
~Lose about 75 pounds
~Make Wyatt a big brother
~Find a "cause"...a place to volunteer my time...something really close to my heart
~Start working on my "secret" goal
~Make a better effort for meal planning
~Eat at the table as a family 5 nights out of the week
~"Unplug" weekly
~Develop a better relationship with God/Make church a priority
~Have a place for everything in this house!
~Have a flower garden and a vegetable garden
~Start composting
~Have some egg hens
~Finish the Love Dare
~Learn how to make my own lattes
~Make monthly date night a priority
~Get caught up with scrapbooking
~Reduce eating out to a once a month thing (or less!)
~Write a letter on paper once a week, to someone, anyone....(Penpal, family, etc)
Monday, March 14, 2011
My early mornings
Good morning. I know, I know, it's been a bit. What New Years Resolution? I don't know what you're talking about. Hey, look, I've kept up with everything else...I'm down 15 pounds, I got baptized...there have been more important things!
Anyway, I really love my early mornings. Lately I've been getting up between 4 and 4:30, doing WiiFit (which isn't the BEST ever, but hey, it's better than nothing) then I have devotional time, and then, well...just me time. I'm so tired by the end of the day that I don't get time for all that at night.
I'm sitting here now looking out the window at a sunrise. It's so beautiful. It's one of those things that I really think we take for granted. I mean, it's just amazing, and to think that God made that... It really lifts my spirits, you know?
Anyway, I really love my early mornings. Lately I've been getting up between 4 and 4:30, doing WiiFit (which isn't the BEST ever, but hey, it's better than nothing) then I have devotional time, and then, well...just me time. I'm so tired by the end of the day that I don't get time for all that at night.
I'm sitting here now looking out the window at a sunrise. It's so beautiful. It's one of those things that I really think we take for granted. I mean, it's just amazing, and to think that God made that... It really lifts my spirits, you know?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
'Tis the season....
....as one of my best friends says when everyone's sick. I had Wyatt at the doctor yesterday for a nasty cough, and his best friend went to his doctor and was diagnosed with strep. Now I woke up, and I feel like poo. Wyatt's still asleep at 6:30, so that alone tells me he isn't feeling well. But, really, in the grand scheme of things, this is all minor stuff. I can live with this.
Soooo....what to blog about. There really isn't anything exciting going on. This morning, I did what I had said I was going to...I did my devotions and bible study before getting online. I like the way I started my day like that. Rather than starting my mindset with what everyone is posting on Facebook, I started it with what God says and what He wants. I think that is the best way to start, really. So it's on to new habits!
I have plans swirling in my head right now. I need to sit and write them out, but I have a few ideas I may want to start working towards. First, I need to get through this weekend and the things I have in store :)
Soooo....what to blog about. There really isn't anything exciting going on. This morning, I did what I had said I was going to...I did my devotions and bible study before getting online. I like the way I started my day like that. Rather than starting my mindset with what everyone is posting on Facebook, I started it with what God says and what He wants. I think that is the best way to start, really. So it's on to new habits!
I have plans swirling in my head right now. I need to sit and write them out, but I have a few ideas I may want to start working towards. First, I need to get through this weekend and the things I have in store :)
Monday, January 24, 2011
So I have decided
in my completely sleepy haze this morning that I am going to finish the Love Dare. Just because Randy might be ready to check out of our marriage, I'm not. The things worth having are never easy.
On another note...Isn't it funny how, when you really need to hear a message from God, He gives it to you in so many different ways? I think I may have posted about this before. It just seems to be happening more and more frequently lately.
I know my blogs have been short, and not written every day. I'm working on that, I promise. I just think I should have things worthy of writing about.
I'm trying to find out what I have to do to have Wyatt vaccine exempt for school. I stopped vaccinating at 4. (He didn't get his 4 year old vaccines) Thanks to a wonderful group of my friends, I've seen the harm that vaccines can do, both short and long term. I've also seen some of the lists of ingredients. That is scary stuff. I'm glad I'm able to make a change for the better for my son. I should probably do a post about that too. Hmmm....
On another note...Isn't it funny how, when you really need to hear a message from God, He gives it to you in so many different ways? I think I may have posted about this before. It just seems to be happening more and more frequently lately.
I know my blogs have been short, and not written every day. I'm working on that, I promise. I just think I should have things worthy of writing about.
I'm trying to find out what I have to do to have Wyatt vaccine exempt for school. I stopped vaccinating at 4. (He didn't get his 4 year old vaccines) Thanks to a wonderful group of my friends, I've seen the harm that vaccines can do, both short and long term. I've also seen some of the lists of ingredients. That is scary stuff. I'm glad I'm able to make a change for the better for my son. I should probably do a post about that too. Hmmm....
Monday, November 15, 2010
Here I sit....
having been up since 3 am. Sam apparently swallowed a sock and it didn't agree with him. Guess who heard him throw it up? Ahhh....the life of a mom.
It's really ok though. Another negative home pregnancy test...I used a lot of the time this morning to think, reflect on this weekend, and pray. I have about 10 hours left to hope that I *might* be pregnant, before the doctor's office calls with the blood work results.
I really have so very much to be thankful for. My family is truly blessed. And I'm not even really sad about the pregnancy thing...I'm more numb about it.
This weekend at the Women of Faith conference, they had several speakers. I had been told it would be a funny and emotional weekend. Friday they were HILARIOUS! These people could be comedians! Saturday...well, Saturday was full of tears. I'm not a crier (Unless I"m on hormone medication) Let me preface this by saying that I know myself, and I know I tend to look on the bright side of things. But I knew that, somewhere inside me, there was this devistated woman desperate for a baby. And I knew it was all going to come out, I just didn't know when. There was a woman there doing one woman skits. She was amazing...you forgot there was only one person on the stage. She did one about going to the doctors office for the first tme and confirming a home pregnancy test. There was more to it, it was mostly about dealing with feelings of pregnancy after an abortion she had in her early 20s. When she had her "ultrasound" the sound of a baby's heartbeat filled the colliseum. That devistated woman inside me? She made herself known. I can honestly say that I don't think I've cried that hard in a very long time, if ever. My body shook with sobs. But even in the midst of those tears, I was so grateful to finally have release, and to have it surrounded by women who would support me, hold me up, pray with me, and just make me feel better. I think if I had that breakdown anywhere else, it would have been devistating.
Now I sit here, and I really still feel so emotionally exhausted. There was a lot more that went on this weekend that affected me, but nothing like that. It was such a wonderful weekend, and I feel like I've really made a great bond with one of the women. Elaine and I were roommates, and her son and Wyatt are friends at school. She and I sat up and talked about a lot of things we wouldn't have otherwise been able to. It was really nice. And I did need to let go of all that negativity. I still have a sliver of hope that maybe I might still be pregnant, but I'm realistic enough to know that I'm probably not.
You know what? I really am ok with that. Sure, it hurts a little, and I question if taking a break after this cycle is really what I want to do, but...God has a plan. I know He does. I wish He would clue me in. I know that all of this is just a step in getting me where I'm meant to be. There are a few things swirling around in my brain about what I may or may not do in the coming months. I'm going to be brave and start a diet the week of Thanksgiving. Isn't there some kind of reward for that? There should be. I'm going to work on repairing the relationships that I've accidently put on the back burner for all this craziness. I need to be me again, not some crazed person, always thinking about what's happening in my body. I'm going to re-evaluate my bucket list, and I hope to have a new one by the New Year.
There are a few ideas in my head that I'm not quite ready to share with anyone yet. I need to sort out how I feel about them first. No worries, I will share them with you all eventually. Maybe. If you're lucky
It's really ok though. Another negative home pregnancy test...I used a lot of the time this morning to think, reflect on this weekend, and pray. I have about 10 hours left to hope that I *might* be pregnant, before the doctor's office calls with the blood work results.
I really have so very much to be thankful for. My family is truly blessed. And I'm not even really sad about the pregnancy thing...I'm more numb about it.
This weekend at the Women of Faith conference, they had several speakers. I had been told it would be a funny and emotional weekend. Friday they were HILARIOUS! These people could be comedians! Saturday...well, Saturday was full of tears. I'm not a crier (Unless I"m on hormone medication) Let me preface this by saying that I know myself, and I know I tend to look on the bright side of things. But I knew that, somewhere inside me, there was this devistated woman desperate for a baby. And I knew it was all going to come out, I just didn't know when. There was a woman there doing one woman skits. She was amazing...you forgot there was only one person on the stage. She did one about going to the doctors office for the first tme and confirming a home pregnancy test. There was more to it, it was mostly about dealing with feelings of pregnancy after an abortion she had in her early 20s. When she had her "ultrasound" the sound of a baby's heartbeat filled the colliseum. That devistated woman inside me? She made herself known. I can honestly say that I don't think I've cried that hard in a very long time, if ever. My body shook with sobs. But even in the midst of those tears, I was so grateful to finally have release, and to have it surrounded by women who would support me, hold me up, pray with me, and just make me feel better. I think if I had that breakdown anywhere else, it would have been devistating.
Now I sit here, and I really still feel so emotionally exhausted. There was a lot more that went on this weekend that affected me, but nothing like that. It was such a wonderful weekend, and I feel like I've really made a great bond with one of the women. Elaine and I were roommates, and her son and Wyatt are friends at school. She and I sat up and talked about a lot of things we wouldn't have otherwise been able to. It was really nice. And I did need to let go of all that negativity. I still have a sliver of hope that maybe I might still be pregnant, but I'm realistic enough to know that I'm probably not.
You know what? I really am ok with that. Sure, it hurts a little, and I question if taking a break after this cycle is really what I want to do, but...God has a plan. I know He does. I wish He would clue me in. I know that all of this is just a step in getting me where I'm meant to be. There are a few things swirling around in my brain about what I may or may not do in the coming months. I'm going to be brave and start a diet the week of Thanksgiving. Isn't there some kind of reward for that? There should be. I'm going to work on repairing the relationships that I've accidently put on the back burner for all this craziness. I need to be me again, not some crazed person, always thinking about what's happening in my body. I'm going to re-evaluate my bucket list, and I hope to have a new one by the New Year.
There are a few ideas in my head that I'm not quite ready to share with anyone yet. I need to sort out how I feel about them first. No worries, I will share them with you all eventually. Maybe. If you're lucky
Friday, November 12, 2010
I need this weekend!!
I am going away for the weekend. A group of ladies from my church is going to a Women of Faith conference. I really think I need it for this weekend. There's still a glaring white space where a pink line should be. And, you know, I really think it's for the best. I prayed about it, and I really do feel more peaceful. It's amazing what a difference it makes when I just turn it over to God.
We are on this bus, and I am so happy that we are in SC, because there is no heat! Brrr. It's chilly. And here I was worrying about how to keep my meds cold
This lady that I'm with is such a sweetheart. Her son and Wyatt are good friends. And it's so funny, she reminds me so much of a good friend of mine. She carries herself the same way, she even favors her with her features. So cute.
I'm trying to decide if I want to take a nap or not. I think I might. 3:15 was awfully early to get up this morning.
I'm thinking about doing The Love Dare again. Things wth Randy and I have seemed so awkward lately. I think it's just that we are constantly together. Hopefully now that he's back to work it will really help, even if it's only part time. We had gone so long barely seeing each other because of our work schedules, that to suddlenly be together all the time is...well...a lot. And it doesn't help that I spent the last couple of days in one of those funks that makes it hard for me to even get off the couch. I really need to start being more motivated.
We are on this bus, and I am so happy that we are in SC, because there is no heat! Brrr. It's chilly. And here I was worrying about how to keep my meds cold
This lady that I'm with is such a sweetheart. Her son and Wyatt are good friends. And it's so funny, she reminds me so much of a good friend of mine. She carries herself the same way, she even favors her with her features. So cute.
I'm trying to decide if I want to take a nap or not. I think I might. 3:15 was awfully early to get up this morning.
I'm thinking about doing The Love Dare again. Things wth Randy and I have seemed so awkward lately. I think it's just that we are constantly together. Hopefully now that he's back to work it will really help, even if it's only part time. We had gone so long barely seeing each other because of our work schedules, that to suddlenly be together all the time is...well...a lot. And it doesn't help that I spent the last couple of days in one of those funks that makes it hard for me to even get off the couch. I really need to start being more motivated.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Someone let me off!!!
What is it about weekend and roller coasters? Let's just say that this weekend was another one, and I'm anxious to see what my blood work shows today.
I have to say this...last nights sermon felt like it was written for me. I really can't go into detail without feeling like I'm talking about some of the other church members, but it was SUCH a comfort. I really found like this is *it* ya know? Like we are where we are supposed to be. Funnily enough, we moved here to be closer to my dad (and, well, further from the snow) and I've only seen my dad a handful of times. Yet, this is home. We've already made some friends that I think we will be friends with for life. Make no mistake, they will never replace my girls!!
I have so much to get done today. I should probably work on it rather than blog, but, well, my poor little blog has been neglected. Besides, it's only 5 am. This is *my time*. I get up early just for these precious moments. I need to update my Homemakers' Notebook, and clean up for a bible study we are hosting tonight. In the process of all this, I also have to wait for the phone call from the doctor's office.
Quite honestly, if I'm pregnant, it will, of course, be great. If I'm not, I'm really ok with it. It's just not quite the right time. Remember that blog about how I can say things are in God's hands if we're doing fertility treatments? Well....this is how. God decided this month wasn't right. Maybe next month will be. I can tell you that God has a plan for us. Naturally, I pray that includes a pregnancy and healthy child, but there is no way to know. I do know that He is doing what's best for us, even if we don't realize it.
So, my son, who just 6 months ago was saying "Twust me Mommy, God isn't real!" has changed so much. Over the weekend we were at dinner, and Wyatt wanted to move to sit next to Randy. I pouted and said I didn't want to sit alone. He told me "Mommy, you're never alone! God is always with you". Indeed.
I have to say this...last nights sermon felt like it was written for me. I really can't go into detail without feeling like I'm talking about some of the other church members, but it was SUCH a comfort. I really found like this is *it* ya know? Like we are where we are supposed to be. Funnily enough, we moved here to be closer to my dad (and, well, further from the snow) and I've only seen my dad a handful of times. Yet, this is home. We've already made some friends that I think we will be friends with for life. Make no mistake, they will never replace my girls!!
I have so much to get done today. I should probably work on it rather than blog, but, well, my poor little blog has been neglected. Besides, it's only 5 am. This is *my time*. I get up early just for these precious moments. I need to update my Homemakers' Notebook, and clean up for a bible study we are hosting tonight. In the process of all this, I also have to wait for the phone call from the doctor's office.
Quite honestly, if I'm pregnant, it will, of course, be great. If I'm not, I'm really ok with it. It's just not quite the right time. Remember that blog about how I can say things are in God's hands if we're doing fertility treatments? Well....this is how. God decided this month wasn't right. Maybe next month will be. I can tell you that God has a plan for us. Naturally, I pray that includes a pregnancy and healthy child, but there is no way to know. I do know that He is doing what's best for us, even if we don't realize it.
So, my son, who just 6 months ago was saying "Twust me Mommy, God isn't real!" has changed so much. Over the weekend we were at dinner, and Wyatt wanted to move to sit next to Randy. I pouted and said I didn't want to sit alone. He told me "Mommy, you're never alone! God is always with you". Indeed.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Roller Coaster
Ladies, this has been a roller coaster of a weekend!
So, my progesterone level was actually a third of what it was supposed to be. High enough that I'd be able to get pregnant, but not to sustain a pregnancy. So I was devistated. I think I cried all night Saturday. And of course, I could do the supplements, but they are by prescription only, and the office was closed Sunday. Pure devistation. I wasn't upset just because the cycle didn't work, it was that I didn't think we had done everything we possibly could have, and that's not acceptable. But, I still prayed, and yes, I still thanked Jesus for letting us get to where we have, and that at least we had the knowledge to do better next cycle. There is so much to be thankful for. I literally was upset for about 20 minutes, and then just turned around, knowing the Lord has a better plan.
Sunday things we status quo. We were busy with church and running errands. At church we dedicated the new sanctuary. That service was AMAZING and affected me in a way that no service ever has before. I had goosebumps, tears...oh God is good indeed!
Monday, I called the office FIRST THING. Then I went out for a mini girls day with my neighbor, who is like a little sister. Well, the RE's office called, assured me my results were normal, but said that they would put me on the supplement if I wanted. I told her yes, I did, and so they called one in. I start today. I got home to look on one of my message boards and post that I was going to start, and something caught my eye. A woman said somethign about having her level checked 8 days after her IUI. Wait...8 days? Mine was 4 days later. So off the the search engine I go. Most levels are checked 7 or 8 days later. Sounds positive, but how much do the levels increase daily? I needed to know if my level would have been normal at that 7 or 8 day mark. After a lot of research, I believe it would be. But, at the low end. So, I'm going to take the supplement anyway. It won't hurt. I talked to a couple of girls who started the supplement at 1 week after their IUI, so I know I'm not starting it late.
Know what all this taught me? Prayer works.
So, my progesterone level was actually a third of what it was supposed to be. High enough that I'd be able to get pregnant, but not to sustain a pregnancy. So I was devistated. I think I cried all night Saturday. And of course, I could do the supplements, but they are by prescription only, and the office was closed Sunday. Pure devistation. I wasn't upset just because the cycle didn't work, it was that I didn't think we had done everything we possibly could have, and that's not acceptable. But, I still prayed, and yes, I still thanked Jesus for letting us get to where we have, and that at least we had the knowledge to do better next cycle. There is so much to be thankful for. I literally was upset for about 20 minutes, and then just turned around, knowing the Lord has a better plan.
Sunday things we status quo. We were busy with church and running errands. At church we dedicated the new sanctuary. That service was AMAZING and affected me in a way that no service ever has before. I had goosebumps, tears...oh God is good indeed!
Monday, I called the office FIRST THING. Then I went out for a mini girls day with my neighbor, who is like a little sister. Well, the RE's office called, assured me my results were normal, but said that they would put me on the supplement if I wanted. I told her yes, I did, and so they called one in. I start today. I got home to look on one of my message boards and post that I was going to start, and something caught my eye. A woman said somethign about having her level checked 8 days after her IUI. Wait...8 days? Mine was 4 days later. So off the the search engine I go. Most levels are checked 7 or 8 days later. Sounds positive, but how much do the levels increase daily? I needed to know if my level would have been normal at that 7 or 8 day mark. After a lot of research, I believe it would be. But, at the low end. So, I'm going to take the supplement anyway. It won't hurt. I talked to a couple of girls who started the supplement at 1 week after their IUI, so I know I'm not starting it late.
Know what all this taught me? Prayer works.
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