So much...where to begin?

I still struggle with how honest I want to be in my blog. Well, let me rephrase that. What I post is always honest. I guess I mean that I struggle with how much to share. I have no shame, and really don't see the sense in hiding anything, but at the same time I don't want my personal fears to get all twisted, or made to be something other people can laugh over. Just a random thought before my real post.

So, tonight begins a new adventure for me. Our church is starting a new (for us) program on Wednesday nights. We're changing to Journey Kids. I've been asked to be one of three group leaders for the 4th grade girls' class. I'm a little nervous. I don't know that I'm the right person to lead ANYONE spiritually. But after a lot of prayer, I do feel that it's the place I should be right now. I'm definitely nervous about it, but so happy that the Children's Ministry leader at my church felt it was something I can do. There are a lot of guidelines to follow, so that's helpful. I'm still crazy nervous though!

There's been a lot going on with Wyatt lately. He's not adjusting to all the changes nearly as well as I had originally thought. Last night some things came to light, and I'm not proud of how I had been handling things prior to that. Needless to say, some of the things he told me have me wanting to be a much better mom. I'm going to his school today to speak with his guidance counselor. I didn't realize how stressed the poor kiddo was. I can't change how anything's happened leading up to now, I can only change how they are from here out. And believe me, I'm changing them! I definitely need to make him a bigger priority. I mean, he's ALWAYS my biggest priority, but lately I haven't really shown it. I've been so tired and cranky, and it's really affected him. So now we have a family rule that for a minimum of half hour on weekdays we are doing something together that doesn't involve technology. Playing catch, board games, reading, whatever. Sounds so simple, right? Well, oddly enough, that hasn't so much happened. We are also going to be eating dinner at the table together EVERY night. And we're going back to "unplugging" on Sundays. No technology, just family. I think I've let him forget how important he really is to me. After a little scare we had last night, I can't let that happen again. And I won't. I'm just glad everything came to light before it got too late. If I can take anything away from this, it's not to take your kids for granted. Just because they seem to be dealing with things well, doesn't always mean they are. Not my proudest Mommy moment, but there it is.

Being the bad guy

We are all different, right? I mean, each of us does things in his or her own way, whatever works.

As a parent, not only do you have to figure out what works for you, but you have to figure out what impacts your child. And it's hard. I mean, what happens if you screw up? Go down to your county's detention center if you're not sure. No pressure!

I really struggle with this. Of course, discipline is never black and white.

For 3 years, I chose how to discipline Wyatt. I decided on my own what to do, and I figured out on my own what worked and what didn't. Great! Wonderful! If I screwed up, guess whose fault it was?

Then, I got married, and Wyatt got a dad. A very gentle, never yelling, dad. That's ok, I made up for it. Then I learned that I didn't want to be the mom who always yells. So I stopped yelling.

Now....wow. Now I have a mess on my hands. So I'm having to backpedal. Wait, what do you mean that's not an option in parenting? But I need another chance to not screw him up!

Tonight is a prime example. Wyatt was given tons of notice for bedtime. Bedtime comes, and he stomps, slams doors and DEMANDS to play. I waited to see what happened....And nothing was done. So, like always, I had to do it. I went in Wyatt's room to talk to him, and got attitude. MAJOR attitude. I am so sick of always being the one to yell, the one to take privileges, the one to discipline. I want to be the fun mom. I want to enjoy him. I want him to enjoy me. I want him to know that we can be friends, too. And yes, I happen to believe parents can be friends with their kids. This is not here for debate!

So now I'm the bad guy. He went to bed refusing to say he loved me (and that's something I will never force) and Randy is the greatest guy ever. It sucks!

I get that Wyatt is having changes thrown at him from every direction. And I'm sure his little 6 year old head is spinning. And I'm sure that accounts for part of this lashing out. But that doesn't make it ok! That doesn't excuse the destruction he seems to want to cause lately.

I know I have to get used to being a single parent, and part of that will mean being the sole disciplinarian. Been there done that. I feel like I never even stopped.

I keep telling myself that if I don't put my foot down now, it's just going to get harder. I get that I need to be his parent before I can be his friend, but I don't see anything wrong with being both.

I just want to not ALWAYS be the bad guy. Unfortunately, that just isn't an option.