So today I flipped the calendar over to July. Where did June go? I know there's still another day left in June, but I over did it (a lot) yesterday, so today I'm going to be that blob on the couch. (And given that the amount of gas in my stomach makes me look 6 months pregnant, I think blob is an accurate description)
One of my coworkers called me yesterday. Her son dove into a 4 foot deep pool and broke his neck. They have ruled out paralysis, but there is a definite fracture. Thank God he's able to move.
There are a lot of changes coming up. I'm not sure I want to post about them before they happen, or after. But suffice to say they will be happening.
I'm no longer doing Weight Watchers online. It got to be too expensive. I will keep track on my own, and if I feel like I'm slacking, I'll attend a meeting.
There's a lot in my mind I want to post about, but, for now, it's gonna stay up there.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
To expand on my last post...
I genuinely am thankful for the new perspective I have now. I had taken childbearing for granted. I know I've said it before...but today, I looked at my son and thought "Wow. He was never supposed to exist" And I am so unbelievably grateful and blessed to have him. (He was conceived using TWO methods of birth control) How can I be angry with God when I have those beautiful blue eyes to look into? Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Sure, some days he makes me nanners, but I love every moment. I love when he knows I'm not feeling well, and he rubs my back. I love how sweet and gentle he is with animals. I love how he is always making me laugh. I love how amazing he is. I love how his whole face lights up when he's excited. I love how he's such a....boy. And I love God for blessing me with such an amazing person I'm proud to call my son.
Surgery update
Well, we definitely didn't get the answer we wanted. We didn't get any answers. Although the GYN did tell Randy that my cervix is awfully hard. Maybe we did get something out of it.
This morning, when I was waiting for surgery, I did get a little nervous. I had a few "I wanna go home" moments. I got pretty scared. But, I closed my eyes, and had a chat with God. I told Him that no matter the outcome, I would still love Him, and I'd still need Him. I prayed for answers, for acceptance, and for peace. In my head I kept hearing "This pain aint gonna last much longer, believe me, this is gonna make you stronger" I couldn't ask for a better song to be stuck in my head.
So how do I feel now? Physically, really sore. My throat hurts, my shoulder hurts (from the gas..don'task why), and my stomach is sore.
Emotionally, I'm somewhat numb. I could cry at the drop of a hat, and that's not like me. I think I've kinda taken the pain of not knowing WHY and pushed it away. Now that Randy has told me what the GYN said, then I feel that, maybe, we have a new direction to move toward. Maybe not. But, right now, I feel "ok"
Spiritually, I actually feel good. I feel an incredible peace. I feel a comfort that I know can only come from Him. Tomorrow may be different, but right now, I feel good spiritually. For that, I thank everyone who said a prayer for me today.
This morning, when I was waiting for surgery, I did get a little nervous. I had a few "I wanna go home" moments. I got pretty scared. But, I closed my eyes, and had a chat with God. I told Him that no matter the outcome, I would still love Him, and I'd still need Him. I prayed for answers, for acceptance, and for peace. In my head I kept hearing "This pain aint gonna last much longer, believe me, this is gonna make you stronger" I couldn't ask for a better song to be stuck in my head.
So how do I feel now? Physically, really sore. My throat hurts, my shoulder hurts (from the gas..don'task why), and my stomach is sore.
Emotionally, I'm somewhat numb. I could cry at the drop of a hat, and that's not like me. I think I've kinda taken the pain of not knowing WHY and pushed it away. Now that Randy has told me what the GYN said, then I feel that, maybe, we have a new direction to move toward. Maybe not. But, right now, I feel "ok"
Spiritually, I actually feel good. I feel an incredible peace. I feel a comfort that I know can only come from Him. Tomorrow may be different, but right now, I feel good spiritually. For that, I thank everyone who said a prayer for me today.
I knew it would happen eventually....
...I had my "Holy cow, I'm going to have surgery" moment yesterday.
I was finishing up at work and telling the girl I was working with where I had lab stuff, what still needed to be done with a particular issue, and it hit me. It suddenly hit me WHY I had to tell her. And WHY I wouldn't be at work. I'm having surgery. They are going to make me unconscious, invade my body, and (hopefully) remove stuff from it. And it's not just something that's going to happen eventually, it's going to happen tomorrow! (Well, today now) I think it's harder for me this time around because I KNOW that I don't wake up well from anesthesia. At least now I know it, and I can share that valuable piece of info with the nurses. But anyway, I had my little mental break down. In the midst of it, Randy texted me to tell me he has to be at work early, so he couldn't take me to the hospital. Poor man. He didn't know I was falling apart at the moment.
My biggest fear, physically, is that they will nick something while they are in there. Emotionally, I'm afraid that I'm spending 10,000 on this surgery for them to find absolutely nothing. Spiritually...I'm scared that I will be angry at God. For the first time, I finally have that relationship I've heard people talk about. I still think that relationship is a little fragile. I don't want to lose it. Since discovering that I had so many symptoms of Endo, I've had hope. Here's a problem, and, if I have it, they can fix it. I haven't really let myself think that I may not have it. So if I don't....then what is it? Why do I have so much pain? Why can't I get pregnant? What about our dreams of having a big family? How could God let this happen?
That was my biggest prayer yesterday, and today. That God will help me accept the outcome, whatever it may be. If they don't find anything, that I will be able to accept that. There's even some acceptance that will have to happen if they DO find something...I have to accept that, for the rest of my life, when I have a menstrual cycle, it's doing damage to my body. But I can deal with that. I don't know if I can deal with not having answers. It honestly isn't just the infertility. It's the pain that has me doubled over, even after taking twice as much prescription pain relievers. There has to be a reason for that. That isn't cramps. That's got to be indicative that something is wrong. So what is it? I mean, I look around my house, and next to the bed, my recliner, and the office chair are heating pads. Who has heating pads placed strategically around the house?
Alright, God. Help me through this. Please give me answers. But, most of all, I need acceptance.
Stronger, Mandisa
I was finishing up at work and telling the girl I was working with where I had lab stuff, what still needed to be done with a particular issue, and it hit me. It suddenly hit me WHY I had to tell her. And WHY I wouldn't be at work. I'm having surgery. They are going to make me unconscious, invade my body, and (hopefully) remove stuff from it. And it's not just something that's going to happen eventually, it's going to happen tomorrow! (Well, today now) I think it's harder for me this time around because I KNOW that I don't wake up well from anesthesia. At least now I know it, and I can share that valuable piece of info with the nurses. But anyway, I had my little mental break down. In the midst of it, Randy texted me to tell me he has to be at work early, so he couldn't take me to the hospital. Poor man. He didn't know I was falling apart at the moment.
My biggest fear, physically, is that they will nick something while they are in there. Emotionally, I'm afraid that I'm spending 10,000 on this surgery for them to find absolutely nothing. Spiritually...I'm scared that I will be angry at God. For the first time, I finally have that relationship I've heard people talk about. I still think that relationship is a little fragile. I don't want to lose it. Since discovering that I had so many symptoms of Endo, I've had hope. Here's a problem, and, if I have it, they can fix it. I haven't really let myself think that I may not have it. So if I don't....then what is it? Why do I have so much pain? Why can't I get pregnant? What about our dreams of having a big family? How could God let this happen?
That was my biggest prayer yesterday, and today. That God will help me accept the outcome, whatever it may be. If they don't find anything, that I will be able to accept that. There's even some acceptance that will have to happen if they DO find something...I have to accept that, for the rest of my life, when I have a menstrual cycle, it's doing damage to my body. But I can deal with that. I don't know if I can deal with not having answers. It honestly isn't just the infertility. It's the pain that has me doubled over, even after taking twice as much prescription pain relievers. There has to be a reason for that. That isn't cramps. That's got to be indicative that something is wrong. So what is it? I mean, I look around my house, and next to the bed, my recliner, and the office chair are heating pads. Who has heating pads placed strategically around the house?
Alright, God. Help me through this. Please give me answers. But, most of all, I need acceptance.
Stronger, Mandisa
Monday, June 27, 2011
A little of this, a little of that
First...the pool is up! Well, I'm assuming it's still up, and that the cats haven't destroyed it overnight. Rest assured, I took pictures of the whole process! (Sorry, guys, can't help...gotta scrap it)
Randy got lots of laughs at my expense. It's IMPOSSIBLE for me to find a hair style I really like. Well, at least a picture of it. Much less a style and color I like. I mean, I've seen them on people, but I can't very well walk up to someone and ask to take a picture of their hair. Yesterday there was a show on we were watching and one of the people had hair that I LOVE! So, I kept pausing/rewinding the TV to get a good picture of it. I seriously have about 20 pictures of my TV from yesterday. On a side note, how awesome is it that we can pause and rewind live TV? (I say this about a week after we are set to get rid of cable...but that's a whole other post)
Now for the big stuff. Yesterday, I got to talk to a friend that I haven't talked to in forever. It was really nice to catch up, and we cleared the air on some things that I hadn't realized we needed to clear the air on. I'm so glad we did. Plus, it helps to have a friend dealing with some of the same issues.
She also brought something else to light. Now, I know people up in PA typically don't read my blog. And that's fine. So a lot of the people who need to see this won't. But apparently, according to them, I'm to blame for much of what's gone wrong in our relationship. To the point that I'm not sure I'm comfortable going up there anytime soon. I mean, I really don't care what people think, it's what my husband thinks that matters, but still....It hurts that some of my so called friends seemed to have forgotten that there are 2 sides to every story, and that, yes, there are definitely things I could have done much better, but that statement goes across the board. Really, though, all that matters is that Randy and I are working on our marriage. It's stronger than, I think, it ever was. I'm so grateful for that. And honestly, I'm grateful that Randy had people to turn to when he was hurting, just like I did. I'm grateful they had his back, just like my friends had mine. But it still hurts a little.
I'm glad I have this blog. Whether it ever gets read or commented on, I don't care. I can look back and see how much I've changed, how much I've grown. Someone made the comment that maybe my infertility was for the best because of our marriage issues. Well, first, that hurt deeply. It's like saying I deserve to be infertile. No one deserves this. When you have the means to physically, financially, emotionally spiritually care for a child, then no, infertility is not "for the best".
When I look back at my blog, I can see that the two times we've had major issues were centered around infertility. The issues themselves weren't, but I think I wasn't in the best mindset to deal with them. The first time was when we had the diagnosis of infertility. That's really hard for a woman to deal with. My body is failing to do what it was created to do. No matter the reason, it won't do it. That's a crushing blow to my womanhood. Randy and I want a big family, and because of ME we may not have that. I know he says he's ok with that, but still....I think a part of me worried that he would feel like he was missing out. The second time our marriage crumbled was when the 2 IUIs didn't work. I mean, if infertility treatment isn't even going to work, nothing will. At least that's what I remember thinking. I think the fact that I was so willing to give up on my marriage had a lot to do with some depression on my part. And, thanks to this blog, I'm able to see that.
Don't get me wrong, Randy and I still have our issues that we need to work on. But we ARE working on them. Everyone has issues. I can honestly say that our marriage is stronger right now than it ever has been. No matter what has gotten us to this point, I'm thankful that we're here.
Randy got lots of laughs at my expense. It's IMPOSSIBLE for me to find a hair style I really like. Well, at least a picture of it. Much less a style and color I like. I mean, I've seen them on people, but I can't very well walk up to someone and ask to take a picture of their hair. Yesterday there was a show on we were watching and one of the people had hair that I LOVE! So, I kept pausing/rewinding the TV to get a good picture of it. I seriously have about 20 pictures of my TV from yesterday. On a side note, how awesome is it that we can pause and rewind live TV? (I say this about a week after we are set to get rid of cable...but that's a whole other post)
Now for the big stuff. Yesterday, I got to talk to a friend that I haven't talked to in forever. It was really nice to catch up, and we cleared the air on some things that I hadn't realized we needed to clear the air on. I'm so glad we did. Plus, it helps to have a friend dealing with some of the same issues.
She also brought something else to light. Now, I know people up in PA typically don't read my blog. And that's fine. So a lot of the people who need to see this won't. But apparently, according to them, I'm to blame for much of what's gone wrong in our relationship. To the point that I'm not sure I'm comfortable going up there anytime soon. I mean, I really don't care what people think, it's what my husband thinks that matters, but still....It hurts that some of my so called friends seemed to have forgotten that there are 2 sides to every story, and that, yes, there are definitely things I could have done much better, but that statement goes across the board. Really, though, all that matters is that Randy and I are working on our marriage. It's stronger than, I think, it ever was. I'm so grateful for that. And honestly, I'm grateful that Randy had people to turn to when he was hurting, just like I did. I'm grateful they had his back, just like my friends had mine. But it still hurts a little.
I'm glad I have this blog. Whether it ever gets read or commented on, I don't care. I can look back and see how much I've changed, how much I've grown. Someone made the comment that maybe my infertility was for the best because of our marriage issues. Well, first, that hurt deeply. It's like saying I deserve to be infertile. No one deserves this. When you have the means to physically, financially, emotionally spiritually care for a child, then no, infertility is not "for the best".
When I look back at my blog, I can see that the two times we've had major issues were centered around infertility. The issues themselves weren't, but I think I wasn't in the best mindset to deal with them. The first time was when we had the diagnosis of infertility. That's really hard for a woman to deal with. My body is failing to do what it was created to do. No matter the reason, it won't do it. That's a crushing blow to my womanhood. Randy and I want a big family, and because of ME we may not have that. I know he says he's ok with that, but still....I think a part of me worried that he would feel like he was missing out. The second time our marriage crumbled was when the 2 IUIs didn't work. I mean, if infertility treatment isn't even going to work, nothing will. At least that's what I remember thinking. I think the fact that I was so willing to give up on my marriage had a lot to do with some depression on my part. And, thanks to this blog, I'm able to see that.
Don't get me wrong, Randy and I still have our issues that we need to work on. But we ARE working on them. Everyone has issues. I can honestly say that our marriage is stronger right now than it ever has been. No matter what has gotten us to this point, I'm thankful that we're here.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Overwhelmed
But in a good way.
Yesterday, I got in the car to meet Randy for dinner. I prayed that God would give me a sign that He is listening. Not just to me, but to a friend who needs Him more than I thought she knew. We got sidelined talking to my stepmom, and ended up rushing. When I finally got around to turning on the radio, Blessings was just starting....the song that has given me so much comfort and hope recently. We were only about a minute away from the restaurant, so had I not been "stuck" talking to Vicky, or if any other number of things...I wouldn't have heard the song. I sat in the parking lot while it finished and cried. I know He's listening. I know He hears us.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed, wide awake. Something told me to pray...and I did. I prayed hard. I thanked Him for all He does, and I prayed for answers...even if they aren't the ones I want, I prayed for them anyway. I hate this limbo. I prayed for a friend and her trials right now.
This morning, I logged into Facebook. Sometimes I see blogs on there before I do on Blogger, because I have friends that post there too. I guess they cross post. But I read her blog. She's been struggling with her faith. And I get it, I've been there. But sometime last night she posted that she knows she believes. She posted that some things have helped her to remember that she believes, and that God does love her. I am overwhelmed with joy for her. I know it's still going to be a long hard road, boy do I know that. But she will never be alone. And she will have comfort. I'm so honored to know that what I've posted here, between music and some of the words, played a small part in that.
In it's own way, it reminds me that what we go through does have a purpose. Sure, I'd love to just be able to look at my husband and get pregnant, like some people seem to do. But if I have to go through what I've gone through, knowing that my experiences can somehow help someone else...It makes that pill a less bitter one to swallow.
Yesterday, I got in the car to meet Randy for dinner. I prayed that God would give me a sign that He is listening. Not just to me, but to a friend who needs Him more than I thought she knew. We got sidelined talking to my stepmom, and ended up rushing. When I finally got around to turning on the radio, Blessings was just starting....the song that has given me so much comfort and hope recently. We were only about a minute away from the restaurant, so had I not been "stuck" talking to Vicky, or if any other number of things...I wouldn't have heard the song. I sat in the parking lot while it finished and cried. I know He's listening. I know He hears us.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed, wide awake. Something told me to pray...and I did. I prayed hard. I thanked Him for all He does, and I prayed for answers...even if they aren't the ones I want, I prayed for them anyway. I hate this limbo. I prayed for a friend and her trials right now.
This morning, I logged into Facebook. Sometimes I see blogs on there before I do on Blogger, because I have friends that post there too. I guess they cross post. But I read her blog. She's been struggling with her faith. And I get it, I've been there. But sometime last night she posted that she knows she believes. She posted that some things have helped her to remember that she believes, and that God does love her. I am overwhelmed with joy for her. I know it's still going to be a long hard road, boy do I know that. But she will never be alone. And she will have comfort. I'm so honored to know that what I've posted here, between music and some of the words, played a small part in that.
In it's own way, it reminds me that what we go through does have a purpose. Sure, I'd love to just be able to look at my husband and get pregnant, like some people seem to do. But if I have to go through what I've gone through, knowing that my experiences can somehow help someone else...It makes that pill a less bitter one to swallow.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Laundry soap
This is my next "not so mainstream" project. I will post the recipe now (so I don't forget it) and when I make it, I will take pictures of the process and post a tutorial. I'm thinking I will make this in about 2 weeks, when I run out of detergent. (And by then I should have a chance to get to a natural food store to get the essential oils)
Homemade Liquid Laundry Soap- Front or top load machine- best value *Recipe copied from the Duggar Family's website
Homemade Liquid Laundry Soap- Front or top load machine- best value
4 Cups - hot tap water
1 Fels-Naptha soap bar
1 Cup - Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda*
½ Cup Borax
- Grate bar of soap and add to saucepan with water. Stir continually over medium-low heat until soap dissolves and is melted.
-Fill a 5 gallon bucket half full of hot tap water. Add melted soap, washing soda and Borax. Stir well until all powder is dissolved. Fill bucket to top with more hot water. Stir, cover and let sit overnight to thicken.
-Stir and fill a used, clean, laundry soap dispenser half full with soap and then fill rest of way with water. Shake before each use. (will gel)
-Optional: You can add 10-15 drops of essential oil per 2 gallons. Add once soap has cooled. Ideas: lavender, rosemary, tea tree oil.
-Yield: Liquid soap recipe makes 10 gallons.
-Top Load Machine- 5/8 Cup per load (Approx. 180 loads)
-Front Load Machines- ¼ Cup per load (Approx. 640 loads)
*Arm & Hammer "Super Washing Soda" - in some stores or may be purchased at Meijer.com. Baking Soda will not work, nor will Arm & Hammer Detergent - It must be sodium carbonate!!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Wow...
I have found an AMAZING new artist. Well, new to me. Her name is Laura Story. There's a song she's had on the radio that has really spoken to me. I'm sitting here listening to more of her songs, and the tears are flowing.
Blessings really speaks to me. I know it's all for a greater purpose.
Perfect Peace is the song I "discovered" today. I love it. You can take so many different views. It applies to everyone.
Blessings really speaks to me. I know it's all for a greater purpose.
Perfect Peace is the song I "discovered" today. I love it. You can take so many different views. It applies to everyone.
I made something :)
So remember way back when I posted about wanting to be less mainstream? I've realized how many chemicals we put in and on our bodies. Who knows what the long term affects of some of those are? (I'm still not quite ready to totally give up fast food though)
2 weeks ago, I made my own bug spray. It doesn't prevent bites, but it's awesome if you've been bitten. I'm not sure if it will work on fire ant bites, but I'm willing to try anything, lol.
We are putting our pool up this weekend, so I suspect there will be mosquitoes in our future...lots of opportunity to test the lineament!
I made this by putting a handful of catnip and rosemary in a jar. Then I added a pinch of calendula and comfrey, and a few drops of tea tree oil and citronella. I poured rubbing alcohol over the whole thing (to the tops of the herbs) and sealed it. I turned it every other day or so. A friend of mine said that making your own remedies is empowering. She's right! I can't wait to use it, have it work, and think "I made that!" How amazing.
Other things I want to make:
~Healing salve
~Elderberry juice (GREAT for respiratory issues)
There's other stuff I want to make, but it's not so much home remedy type stuff
2 weeks ago, I made my own bug spray. It doesn't prevent bites, but it's awesome if you've been bitten. I'm not sure if it will work on fire ant bites, but I'm willing to try anything, lol.
We are putting our pool up this weekend, so I suspect there will be mosquitoes in our future...lots of opportunity to test the lineament!
I made this by putting a handful of catnip and rosemary in a jar. Then I added a pinch of calendula and comfrey, and a few drops of tea tree oil and citronella. I poured rubbing alcohol over the whole thing (to the tops of the herbs) and sealed it. I turned it every other day or so. A friend of mine said that making your own remedies is empowering. She's right! I can't wait to use it, have it work, and think "I made that!" How amazing.
Other things I want to make:
~Healing salve
~Elderberry juice (GREAT for respiratory issues)
There's other stuff I want to make, but it's not so much home remedy type stuff
I don't know how to help!
I have a friend who doesn't live terribly close to me. We've never been super close, but we've definitely been friends.
She's just suffered through her second miscarriage. I don't know what to say to her. (But, I do know what NOT to say). She's had some infertility testing, and they may have pinpointed part of the reason.
Right now she's angry (not that I blame her). Especially with God. I was so fortunate to have some people who reminded me who He is, and that all things work for Him, even if we don't understand them at the time. And I was able to find comfort in that. I feel horrible, because I want her to have that same comfort. I think, without it, I would have gone insane this last year. When that test came back positive, but the blood test was negative, I wanted to blame someone...who else? But I know He loves me, and He cares for me.
I wish she could see it to. She needs Him now more than ever. Her faith in God will get her through all of this.
If you're reading this, please know I'm not putting your problems "out there". We don't have the same followers, so no one reading this has a clue who I'm talking about. I'm hurting so badly for you right now, and I don't know how to make it better.
She's just suffered through her second miscarriage. I don't know what to say to her. (But, I do know what NOT to say). She's had some infertility testing, and they may have pinpointed part of the reason.
Right now she's angry (not that I blame her). Especially with God. I was so fortunate to have some people who reminded me who He is, and that all things work for Him, even if we don't understand them at the time. And I was able to find comfort in that. I feel horrible, because I want her to have that same comfort. I think, without it, I would have gone insane this last year. When that test came back positive, but the blood test was negative, I wanted to blame someone...who else? But I know He loves me, and He cares for me.
I wish she could see it to. She needs Him now more than ever. Her faith in God will get her through all of this.
If you're reading this, please know I'm not putting your problems "out there". We don't have the same followers, so no one reading this has a clue who I'm talking about. I'm hurting so badly for you right now, and I don't know how to make it better.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
A little addition to the last post
It dawned on me that my last post probably seemed a little bitter. Well, I am a little bitter towards the doctors at Hershey, myself for not standing up for myself, etc. But, please know this...
God has brought all of this on. He has a reason, a purpose for putting me through this. I don't know what it is, and, honestly, I don't want to know. I don't want to know what He knows. That is terrifying. I'm grateful to Him, because now I have an appreciation for pregnancy, infancy and such that I had taken for granted before. It's helped me to appreciate Wyatt more. It's also given me a different perspective on miscarriage. I know now how sometimes the words that you think are so right are so wrong, and don't actually provide comfort. I know how scary being pregnant can be for some people. I think it's made me more sensitive and, hopefully, a better friend and healthcare worker.
Anyway, all this was to say that I'm not bitter AT ALL with God. I trust that He has a plan, and there is a lot of comfort to be found in that.
No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts has helped me have this perspective. This song has helped me stay positive, and keep my relationship with Him.
God has brought all of this on. He has a reason, a purpose for putting me through this. I don't know what it is, and, honestly, I don't want to know. I don't want to know what He knows. That is terrifying. I'm grateful to Him, because now I have an appreciation for pregnancy, infancy and such that I had taken for granted before. It's helped me to appreciate Wyatt more. It's also given me a different perspective on miscarriage. I know now how sometimes the words that you think are so right are so wrong, and don't actually provide comfort. I know how scary being pregnant can be for some people. I think it's made me more sensitive and, hopefully, a better friend and healthcare worker.
Anyway, all this was to say that I'm not bitter AT ALL with God. I trust that He has a plan, and there is a lot of comfort to be found in that.
No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts has helped me have this perspective. This song has helped me stay positive, and keep my relationship with Him.
Pre op today
Well, today is my pre-op appointment. I'm really trying not to be too terribly nervous. I'm saving that for next week. I'm having an ultrasound done. (I'm not really sure why. I was still in a bit of shock when they scheduled the surgery to ask questions) Then the normal pre-op stuff.
I think the hardest part for me with the surgery will be that they find something. Don't get me wrong, that's what I want. I reaaaalllly want them to find something. Then they can fix it. I will have answers, get rid of a lot of this pain....but I think I will have some anger too. Because the doctors at Hershey put my symptoms on the back burner. They pretty much explained them away as something else entirely. And the mean Dr refused to do this very surgery. That will be hard to deal with if it's what I ended up needing. Not just because of the emotional pain of infertility (although that's part of it) but the physical pain. I know the symptoms have worsened since then, but isn't it their jobs to explore everything, rather than doing half the tests, and then labeling me with "unexplained infertility"?
I'm trying to remind myself that they may not find anything with the surgery. That I will be left with more questions than I have now. There's a line between being positive and being unrealistic.
I think the hardest part for me with the surgery will be that they find something. Don't get me wrong, that's what I want. I reaaaalllly want them to find something. Then they can fix it. I will have answers, get rid of a lot of this pain....but I think I will have some anger too. Because the doctors at Hershey put my symptoms on the back burner. They pretty much explained them away as something else entirely. And the mean Dr refused to do this very surgery. That will be hard to deal with if it's what I ended up needing. Not just because of the emotional pain of infertility (although that's part of it) but the physical pain. I know the symptoms have worsened since then, but isn't it their jobs to explore everything, rather than doing half the tests, and then labeling me with "unexplained infertility"?
I'm trying to remind myself that they may not find anything with the surgery. That I will be left with more questions than I have now. There's a line between being positive and being unrealistic.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Maybe I will finally have some answers!
Well, after STILL having pain yesterday, I went to the GYN. I can't believe not only how strong the pain was this month, but how long is lasted. Usually I deal with it for a day, we were on day 4! And it wasn't my imagination, it woke me up out of a deep sleep last night. Anyway, I went to the GYN, and he asked if I wanted stronger meds to help manage the pain (which I'm not a big fan of...I really don't like taking meds unless there is no other choice) or if I wanted to go the surgery route. He did tell me if I wanted surgery, he wanted to do it sooner rather than later, since it definitely seems to be getting worse.
Soooo....I will be having surgery a week from today. I'm nervous. Not so much about the surgery itself. What really terrifies me is that they won't find anything. Stay with me here. If there is something wrong (like Endometriosis) then they can fix it. And I won't have pain. I can't even imagine anymore what it's like to NOT be doubled over in pain, or curled around a heating pad crying, 2 days a month (sometimes more). Quite honestly, at this point, "curing" the infertility is a nice side effect. I just want the pain gone. If they find endo, and clean it out, then my fertility should be restored. It would be so nice to have answers for the emotional pain, too.
It seems to me that a lot of people think pain like what I've been having is nothing more than bad cramps. Oh my, these are no normal cramps. I kid you not, I have been doubled over crying because of the pain. Pain meds rarely help. Sometimes they take the edge off, but not enough to make me comfortable. Or even enough to make me sleep.
The thought process my dr and I talked about is that perhaps when they did the cervical surgery almost 4 years ago, and the subsequent loss of blood & the treatment for that, led to some scarring. (I remember telling my GYN when we first started trying to conceive that my cramps had progressively gotten worse. She chalked it up to age. I'd like to throttle her for not listening) Once I had the HSG the cramps got much worse. My GYN now and I agree that the dye going through my tubes (one side which was partially blocked) probably pushed some of the scarring to a place that causes increased pain. Because after the HSG, bad cramps became unbearable cramps.
Anyway, all this to say that, a week from today, I will finally have some answers. I hope.
Soooo....I will be having surgery a week from today. I'm nervous. Not so much about the surgery itself. What really terrifies me is that they won't find anything. Stay with me here. If there is something wrong (like Endometriosis) then they can fix it. And I won't have pain. I can't even imagine anymore what it's like to NOT be doubled over in pain, or curled around a heating pad crying, 2 days a month (sometimes more). Quite honestly, at this point, "curing" the infertility is a nice side effect. I just want the pain gone. If they find endo, and clean it out, then my fertility should be restored. It would be so nice to have answers for the emotional pain, too.
It seems to me that a lot of people think pain like what I've been having is nothing more than bad cramps. Oh my, these are no normal cramps. I kid you not, I have been doubled over crying because of the pain. Pain meds rarely help. Sometimes they take the edge off, but not enough to make me comfortable. Or even enough to make me sleep.
The thought process my dr and I talked about is that perhaps when they did the cervical surgery almost 4 years ago, and the subsequent loss of blood & the treatment for that, led to some scarring. (I remember telling my GYN when we first started trying to conceive that my cramps had progressively gotten worse. She chalked it up to age. I'd like to throttle her for not listening) Once I had the HSG the cramps got much worse. My GYN now and I agree that the dye going through my tubes (one side which was partially blocked) probably pushed some of the scarring to a place that causes increased pain. Because after the HSG, bad cramps became unbearable cramps.
Anyway, all this to say that, a week from today, I will finally have some answers. I hope.
Monday, June 20, 2011
What a weekend!
Phew! Let me just tell you...It's been a busy weekend. Saturday was Wyatt's birthday party. We had SO much fun, and his cake turned out far better than the one on his actual birthday. I guess with practice things do get better! (And fire engines are red instead of pink)
Also this weekend was the SCHEA homechooling convention. It was pretty small, but I did get some good info. One of the best things I heard, I think, was when someone said "Remember, you really only have to be one day ahead of your child". That's so true! And, there's always Google to the rescue! On the one hand, I loved that it was a smaller convention. As a new-ish homeschooler, it wasn't at all overwhelming. And it was nice to meet a few local moms, as well as finding out that there is a group of moms in Manning who will be starting to homeschool in the Fall as well, so we are trying to have a get together. That would be nice, since the closest group I can find is about 45 minutes away. Totally doable, but I'd rather it be closer. I did find out, through an online group of mine, about a much larger conference that happens in March. It's for the entire South Eastern US, and it happens to be in SC. We are making plans to attend that.
Saturday night I was having horrible stomach pain. The meds my GYN gave me to help with the menstrual pain worked so well the last 2 months. This month? Not so much. I had taken one more than is prescribed, and still was doubled over sobbing Saturday night. I finally went to the ER. (And let me just ask, why is it that they must give you shots in your butt? I have many more muscles.) I was still sore yesterday, some cramps and I was exhausted, but mostly it was that my stomach muscles felt tired. The ER doctor said he wouldn't give me a diagnosis because I'm being followed by a GYN, but that he thinks my suspicions (about endometriosis) are right. I'm calling my gyn today. We will have insurance in Sept and had been planning on me having the surgery then, but Randy said he'd much rather I have it sooner, even if it means paying out of pocket. The pains are getting more intense and lasting longer. Even just 2 months has made a difference.
Yesterday was Father's Day. From my point of view, it was perfect, except we missed church. There was just no way. I slept in, thanks to the ER visit. (Sorry Randy, that's not how I planned on it going yesterday morning!) We got up, kinda hung around as a family, then we went to my dad's. We gave him his gifts, which were some motorcycle decor, as well as some marinated steaks to cook on his (insert TV announcer voice) BRAND NEW GRILL!!! We had a blast. I think Dad had fun, as well as Randy. Wyatt's behavior was amazing. He was so good yesterday. He had a few moments where he got upset over not getting what he wanted, but he'd go in another room to pout, which is what we've been encouraging him to do. (I don't care that he gets upset, I want him to know it's ok to be upset, but not that it's ok for him to have fits.) The only reason I want him to go into another room is because it helps him to calm down. He knows he can be upset in front of me (or anyone really), as long as he's respectful. But if he chooses to go in another room, I don't blame him. All in all, it was a really good day.
Also this weekend was the SCHEA homechooling convention. It was pretty small, but I did get some good info. One of the best things I heard, I think, was when someone said "Remember, you really only have to be one day ahead of your child". That's so true! And, there's always Google to the rescue! On the one hand, I loved that it was a smaller convention. As a new-ish homeschooler, it wasn't at all overwhelming. And it was nice to meet a few local moms, as well as finding out that there is a group of moms in Manning who will be starting to homeschool in the Fall as well, so we are trying to have a get together. That would be nice, since the closest group I can find is about 45 minutes away. Totally doable, but I'd rather it be closer. I did find out, through an online group of mine, about a much larger conference that happens in March. It's for the entire South Eastern US, and it happens to be in SC. We are making plans to attend that.
Saturday night I was having horrible stomach pain. The meds my GYN gave me to help with the menstrual pain worked so well the last 2 months. This month? Not so much. I had taken one more than is prescribed, and still was doubled over sobbing Saturday night. I finally went to the ER. (And let me just ask, why is it that they must give you shots in your butt? I have many more muscles.) I was still sore yesterday, some cramps and I was exhausted, but mostly it was that my stomach muscles felt tired. The ER doctor said he wouldn't give me a diagnosis because I'm being followed by a GYN, but that he thinks my suspicions (about endometriosis) are right. I'm calling my gyn today. We will have insurance in Sept and had been planning on me having the surgery then, but Randy said he'd much rather I have it sooner, even if it means paying out of pocket. The pains are getting more intense and lasting longer. Even just 2 months has made a difference.
Yesterday was Father's Day. From my point of view, it was perfect, except we missed church. There was just no way. I slept in, thanks to the ER visit. (Sorry Randy, that's not how I planned on it going yesterday morning!) We got up, kinda hung around as a family, then we went to my dad's. We gave him his gifts, which were some motorcycle decor, as well as some marinated steaks to cook on his (insert TV announcer voice) BRAND NEW GRILL!!! We had a blast. I think Dad had fun, as well as Randy. Wyatt's behavior was amazing. He was so good yesterday. He had a few moments where he got upset over not getting what he wanted, but he'd go in another room to pout, which is what we've been encouraging him to do. (I don't care that he gets upset, I want him to know it's ok to be upset, but not that it's ok for him to have fits.) The only reason I want him to go into another room is because it helps him to calm down. He knows he can be upset in front of me (or anyone really), as long as he's respectful. But if he chooses to go in another room, I don't blame him. All in all, it was a really good day.
Friday, June 17, 2011
If I get spread any more thin....I'll be skinny
I don't cry in front of people. I know why I don't, but that doesn't change the fact that I don't. I wish I did sometimes.
I feel like lately I just have A LOT on my plate. Don't get me wrong. It's not bad stuff. It's just....stuff. There's a lot of it though. I kind of feel like I'm on overload, and adding anymore "stuff" is just not going to be dealt with the way I normally would. To some people, it may not even be important stuff, or it may be major stuff. But it's my stuff either way. I was kinda handed a big helping of more stuff this week, and I think I'm still processing it. Any other week, I probably would have hung up the phone and had a big fat cry, but this week it was still sinking in through the stuff. Rest assured, I've said many a prayer over this particular serving of stuff.
I think I didn't react the way the server of this helping would have liked. Quite honestly, there are still some unknowns about this particular side dish, so I honestly can't get upset over it quite yet. Between my upcoming surgery, not to mention our family income being cut in half, I can only deal with "This is what it is." Not "This is what it could be" But my reaction must have been poor, or not what the server wanted, because it was announced to the entire world that, basically, I suck. And, I'm sure if someone recognizes themselves in this post, that person will be upset, because God forbid I be hurt by something that's said. I can't help it. I'm hurt.
This post is not meant to lash out at the server. Far from it. It's to vent in a safe place. This is my safe place. I don't care who reads it, honestly. I say what I want to here. Because, well, I can. And, most of the time, me saying it here means that my plate has just a little less stuff on it
I feel like lately I just have A LOT on my plate. Don't get me wrong. It's not bad stuff. It's just....stuff. There's a lot of it though. I kind of feel like I'm on overload, and adding anymore "stuff" is just not going to be dealt with the way I normally would. To some people, it may not even be important stuff, or it may be major stuff. But it's my stuff either way. I was kinda handed a big helping of more stuff this week, and I think I'm still processing it. Any other week, I probably would have hung up the phone and had a big fat cry, but this week it was still sinking in through the stuff. Rest assured, I've said many a prayer over this particular serving of stuff.
I think I didn't react the way the server of this helping would have liked. Quite honestly, there are still some unknowns about this particular side dish, so I honestly can't get upset over it quite yet. Between my upcoming surgery, not to mention our family income being cut in half, I can only deal with "This is what it is." Not "This is what it could be" But my reaction must have been poor, or not what the server wanted, because it was announced to the entire world that, basically, I suck. And, I'm sure if someone recognizes themselves in this post, that person will be upset, because God forbid I be hurt by something that's said. I can't help it. I'm hurt.
This post is not meant to lash out at the server. Far from it. It's to vent in a safe place. This is my safe place. I don't care who reads it, honestly. I say what I want to here. Because, well, I can. And, most of the time, me saying it here means that my plate has just a little less stuff on it
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Forgiveness
This blog comes, appropriately, on my sweet girl's 10th birthday. Happy Birthday, Ashley! (For those that don't know, Ashley is my daughter being raised by her Dad and Stepmom, and I haven't seen her for over 6 years)
So this Sunday our sermon was on forgiving others. I sat in that sanctuary and could honestly say that I do forgive my enemies. Yes, I can dislike what they have done to me, I can be angry about it, I can be hurt by it, but I can (and have) forgive. I have to. Maybe I forgive for selfish reasons. You see, if I choose NOT to forgive, then it eats me up. I can be consumed by the anger, the rage, the injustice. Or, I can accept that it happened, forgive, and move on. WOW! There is so much freedom in that. I certainly can't expect everyone to understand. They don't have to. But *I* know how much it lightens my load to forgive my enemies. My personal enemies. It really changes who you are as a person if you can do that.
There's a hard part though.
How do you forgive yourself? I made choices over 6 years ago, and more recently, that aren't the same choices I'd make today. Do I regret them? That's a hard thing to answer. I know my daughter is happy, I know she's loved. No, she's not with me, and I don't think it's the best, and I KNOW when I see her again it's going to be so hard for everyone (Including Lee and Shelbi). I made the best decisions I could at the time. I don't doubt that. I do doubt whether they were best in the long run. I've never harmed a hair on either of my child's head, but, for a while, I wasn't the best mom. I thank God every day that I can say I've changed. But there is still a huge sense of loss. And it hurts. And I did it to myself. I didn't stand up for myself. Like I said, when I made those choices I truly believed, and continue to believe, they were the best choices at the time. But I'm still angry-with myself.
Why is it I can forgive those who hurt me, but I can't forgive myself? (Yes, there were things Shelbi did that hurt me terribly, and continue to affect me today...I still have such a hard time trusting people. But you know what? I forgive her. I think she thought she was doing them for Ash. I don't know what she thought, or why she did it. It doesn't matter. I forgive her.) I can't forgive myself that neither of my children have grown up knowing each other. Or, frankly, even knowing about each other. I know I have to, but forgiving others is so much easier for me.
I guess it's that I can't control someone else's actions. I can control my reaction though. And I certainly can control my actions. It's relatively easy to forgive when I'm not at fault.
Some may read this and call me naive. Honestly, I expect it. And if you do, I'm sorry. I really am. Because you don't know how liberating it is to TRULY forgive your personal enemies. God knows, it's not easy. But really, are the best things ever easy?
So this Sunday our sermon was on forgiving others. I sat in that sanctuary and could honestly say that I do forgive my enemies. Yes, I can dislike what they have done to me, I can be angry about it, I can be hurt by it, but I can (and have) forgive. I have to. Maybe I forgive for selfish reasons. You see, if I choose NOT to forgive, then it eats me up. I can be consumed by the anger, the rage, the injustice. Or, I can accept that it happened, forgive, and move on. WOW! There is so much freedom in that. I certainly can't expect everyone to understand. They don't have to. But *I* know how much it lightens my load to forgive my enemies. My personal enemies. It really changes who you are as a person if you can do that.
There's a hard part though.
How do you forgive yourself? I made choices over 6 years ago, and more recently, that aren't the same choices I'd make today. Do I regret them? That's a hard thing to answer. I know my daughter is happy, I know she's loved. No, she's not with me, and I don't think it's the best, and I KNOW when I see her again it's going to be so hard for everyone (Including Lee and Shelbi). I made the best decisions I could at the time. I don't doubt that. I do doubt whether they were best in the long run. I've never harmed a hair on either of my child's head, but, for a while, I wasn't the best mom. I thank God every day that I can say I've changed. But there is still a huge sense of loss. And it hurts. And I did it to myself. I didn't stand up for myself. Like I said, when I made those choices I truly believed, and continue to believe, they were the best choices at the time. But I'm still angry-with myself.
Why is it I can forgive those who hurt me, but I can't forgive myself? (Yes, there were things Shelbi did that hurt me terribly, and continue to affect me today...I still have such a hard time trusting people. But you know what? I forgive her. I think she thought she was doing them for Ash. I don't know what she thought, or why she did it. It doesn't matter. I forgive her.) I can't forgive myself that neither of my children have grown up knowing each other. Or, frankly, even knowing about each other. I know I have to, but forgiving others is so much easier for me.
I guess it's that I can't control someone else's actions. I can control my reaction though. And I certainly can control my actions. It's relatively easy to forgive when I'm not at fault.
Some may read this and call me naive. Honestly, I expect it. And if you do, I'm sorry. I really am. Because you don't know how liberating it is to TRULY forgive your personal enemies. God knows, it's not easy. But really, are the best things ever easy?
Forgiveness: The Bible Verses
27 “But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. 28 Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. 30 Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back. 31 Do to others as you would like them to do to you.
32 “If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! 33 And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! 34 And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return.
35 “Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. 36 You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.
37 “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.[c]”
39 Then Jesus gave the following illustration: “Can one blind person lead another? Won’t they both fall into a ditch? 40 Students[d] are not greater than their teacher. But the student who is fully trained will become like the teacher.
41 “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye[e] when you have a log in your own? 42 How can you think of saying, ‘Friend,[f] let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.
Luke 6:27-42
Friday, June 10, 2011
YAY for VACAY!
Wahoo! We have officially booked our vacation! We will be going to Myrtle Beach and staying here. We reserved an ocean view room. I am so excited! We did get a package with unlimited access to a waterpark (in addition to the one on site) as well as unlimited rides at the amusement park every night. I think we want to try to go to the beach for a weekend every month. Even if it's just for one night, staying in a ho hum hotel, that's the kinda stuff childhood memories are made of! If we had a camper, that would be SO much easier, but for now, this will work :) YAY!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Happy birthday, stink bug!
I really cannot believe Wyatt is 6 today. I am so proud of him. He's so smart, and he's such a sweet, thoughtful, kind little boy.
I remember how it felt when I realized he wasn't a baby and that he was a toddler. Now...man....He's really a KID.
He makes me laugh all the time. He's so funny. I can't even begin to imagine where I would be, or what my life would be like, without him.
It's been an interesting 6 years. I almost lost him, we almost lost me, we gained a "family", we've moved, we've become cat people, we've public schooled, private schooled, and homeschooled. We've pretty much figured out what he will be when he grows up. I wouldn't want to change a thing about the last 6 years.
I told him the other day that he was almost too big to sit in my lap. His answer? "That's ok, Mommy. When I'm too big to sit in your lap, you can sit in mine" God, I'm so blessed.
Happy birthday, Stink bug.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Resigning today
I stayed home for a while, then Randy and I were separating. Well, our marriage is better, and we both feel that, for our family, it's best for me to stay home. I'm really excited, but, I love my job (most days). I love the people I work with. I love my patients. This is so hard for me, even though I really do want to stay home, and it helps that Randy really wants it too. (Probably more than me, lol)
My resignation isn't even going to be effective until August, unless they find someone sooner. I just feel...I don't know. Sad.
It's very bittersweet for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to homeschooling next year. I can't wait to feel like my house is finally back in order (sometimes...HA!) I have sewing/crochet/scrapbooking projects piled up that I will have more time for. I know that it won't all get done, because, best of all, I'll have more time for my family.
I know I'm rambling, but...I'm just full of mixed emotions right now. I just remember Wyatt looking at me and saying that I never have time to do anything with him anymore. That's all the encouragement I need that I'm doing the right thing. My family needs me far more than some job.
I know this post doesn't convey it, but I really am excited. Just a little sad too.
Monday, June 6, 2011
I wanna go back to sleep!
And yes, I'm stomping my feet and crossing my arms. The stupid dog woke me up at 3:00 this morning, and naturally, I fell back to sleep about 1/2 hour after I had to get up for the day, then over slept. Don't ya love how that works?
Yesterday was one of the best services I have been to in a while. I don't know if I just had so much lifted off my heart, or if it was sitting next to one of the best girls in the world, or what, but it was great. It was what church is supposed to be. I left feeling completely refreshed. Randy and I had a class to attend last night. When we left, we looked over the small groups, and found a marriage enrichment one meeting at 11, which means we can regularly attend the 9:45 service, which makes me feel SO great! I really feel in my heart that things are turning out the way they are supposed to. Of course, life isn't totally perfect, but I don't think it's supposed to be. I definitely see a very large light at the end of the tunnel. Finally!
So, I can be a bit OCD, especially about organization. Wyatt? Not so much. I'm trying to figure out how to balance us so that we can homeschool, and homeschool WELL. He's almost a perfect kid for unschooling, but I'm just not to comfortable with that. I know, I know, I swore I wouldn't really think too far ahead until after the conference next week. (I'm excited, aren't you! :P) I was looking at A Beka curriculum online, and it's said to be a more advanced curriculum. Well, he's in 3rd grade math and 5th grade Language Arts. I definitely won't be able to teach out of a kit. I'm going to have to play around and figure out something as unique as he is. Which is what homeschooling is about!
I'm finding lately that I have less to do online. Usually what I do is goofing around, I'm not as tied to any social site as I used to be. Which is a very good thing. I am kinda getting back involved with Cafe Mom but not for the drama, like I used to be. Now it's truly about learning how to be a better mom and wife. There's a lot of homeschooling support on there, too.
The future is looking good, baby!
Yesterday was one of the best services I have been to in a while. I don't know if I just had so much lifted off my heart, or if it was sitting next to one of the best girls in the world, or what, but it was great. It was what church is supposed to be. I left feeling completely refreshed. Randy and I had a class to attend last night. When we left, we looked over the small groups, and found a marriage enrichment one meeting at 11, which means we can regularly attend the 9:45 service, which makes me feel SO great! I really feel in my heart that things are turning out the way they are supposed to. Of course, life isn't totally perfect, but I don't think it's supposed to be. I definitely see a very large light at the end of the tunnel. Finally!
So, I can be a bit OCD, especially about organization. Wyatt? Not so much. I'm trying to figure out how to balance us so that we can homeschool, and homeschool WELL. He's almost a perfect kid for unschooling, but I'm just not to comfortable with that. I know, I know, I swore I wouldn't really think too far ahead until after the conference next week. (I'm excited, aren't you! :P) I was looking at A Beka curriculum online, and it's said to be a more advanced curriculum. Well, he's in 3rd grade math and 5th grade Language Arts. I definitely won't be able to teach out of a kit. I'm going to have to play around and figure out something as unique as he is. Which is what homeschooling is about!
I'm finding lately that I have less to do online. Usually what I do is goofing around, I'm not as tied to any social site as I used to be. Which is a very good thing. I am kinda getting back involved with Cafe Mom but not for the drama, like I used to be. Now it's truly about learning how to be a better mom and wife. There's a lot of homeschooling support on there, too.
The future is looking good, baby!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Yeah yeah. Here I am
I have been SO unbelievably tired lately. It's all I can do to keep my eyes open, and I never feel like I've had enough sleep. This is getting pretty insane. At any given moment through the day, I could take a nap. And I'm sleeping at night. It's not like there's even a reason for it. It's so frustrating. My house is a total wreck.
With that being said...something someone said about cramps (remember me posting about how it's near impossible for me to get out of bed because of them some days?) Well, I googled endometriosis. Here are the symptoms, with the ones I've had highlighted.
Sorry for the parts that are TMI. But I feel like I'm onto something! Now, the issue is that the only way they can check for it is surgery. This is what the Mean Doctor in Hershey told me he wanted me to lose weight for. So, with that being said, I am shooting to have the surgery early this fall. We should have insurance Sept 1, and that gives me the summer to get some of this weight off. (Not to mention motivation...either way, I want to be below a certain weight before we do any more treatments) Oh! And it lets us save money before we do another round of treatments.
Do you know me to be a patient person? *Sigh* Guess I will have all summer to work on that too. Ahh well, we are getting Wyatt a pool for his birthday (shhh don't tell) so I will be enjoying that in the mean time.
I have lots of topics swimming in my head to post about, so I promise to be back tomorrow.
With that being said...something someone said about cramps (remember me posting about how it's near impossible for me to get out of bed because of them some days?) Well, I googled endometriosis. Here are the symptoms, with the ones I've had highlighted.
- Pain before and during periods
- Pain with intercourse
- General, chronic pelvic pain throughout the month
- Low back pain
- Heavy and/or irregular periods
- Painful bowel movements, especially during menstruation
- Painful urination during menstruation
- Fatigue
- Infertility
- Diarrhoea or constipation
Sorry for the parts that are TMI. But I feel like I'm onto something! Now, the issue is that the only way they can check for it is surgery. This is what the Mean Doctor in Hershey told me he wanted me to lose weight for. So, with that being said, I am shooting to have the surgery early this fall. We should have insurance Sept 1, and that gives me the summer to get some of this weight off. (Not to mention motivation...either way, I want to be below a certain weight before we do any more treatments) Oh! And it lets us save money before we do another round of treatments.
Do you know me to be a patient person? *Sigh* Guess I will have all summer to work on that too. Ahh well, we are getting Wyatt a pool for his birthday (shhh don't tell) so I will be enjoying that in the mean time.
I have lots of topics swimming in my head to post about, so I promise to be back tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)