Road trips=bad

OK, so putting me in a car by myself for 7 hours is really never a good thing. It gives me time to think.

So this week has been a rough one for my friends. And I felt like I needed to be in MD, and I couldn't be. People I love were going through hard stuff, and I needed to be able to help. Then there was the earthquake. Now, the hurricane. (And said hurricane didn't hit SC, but is headed right for MD) I'm choosing to believe that the earthquake didn't happen because I was in MD. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

But anyway, all that to say...I'm moving back to MD sooner than expected. It just makes more sense. Why struggle to pay bills when I can live rent free at my moms? Yes, I have some issues (ok, one major issue) I need to take care of, but time to grow up and take care of it, right? Anyway, this way I can get everything in order to start school in the Spring. And I'm thinking about joining the Charles Co Medic Unit.

I don't even need to worry about bringing all my stuff....it's not like the house will sell tomorrow, so I can leave it in SC rather than store in at a storage place.

I'm super excited to get Wyatt signed up for ice skating lessons. Next up? Ice Hockey. Somewhere in all of this I need to find out how to sign up for Aflac.

I'm in MD now, so I can take my best friend and her son to Children's Hospital for a pre-op appointment Monday. I came up early because I didn't know what the roads were going to be like post-Irene. Which means that I will be here for Irene. I'm not too worried. I have a feeling it will be just like a bad storm. I hope so anyway. It's windy now, but logically I know that's probably not Irene.

I'm excited about the changes. I'm anxious about living at my mom's again, but I have faith it will all work out.

What are plans for, if not to change?

Well...the original plan was, of course, to stay married. That didn't happen.

So then I figured, if we are going to start over, might as well make it in a place that's southern, great for families, and suburban. I mean, the country and the city all in one...what could be better? So off to a Charlotte suburb I went. I got Wyatt all registered for school, got all the ducks in a row, and we were set to move tomorrow. There was a slight snafu with finding a job, but, confidence in my job skills combined with a large city gave me optimism. The more I looked, the more I saw stuff I just wasn't qualified for, or over qualified for, or had tons of competition for, but I really wasn't overly concerned.

Then I had an urge to go to MD and visit all my girls. I think there was just so much going on that I needed to go to the place where things are pretty consistent. While I was there, I felt like I was "grounded". And I remembered that MD is home. It always has been.

After a lot of thinking, and a lot of advice seeking, I've decided to move home. It seems like a lot of things nudged me in that direction. Looking at the job market, I have no idea how long it will take me to get one. Now, if I had a degree (like nursing) it wouldn't take but a moment. So...I'm going back to school. There is no way I feel that I could work enough to pay for school, plus the bills, and still have time for being a good Momma. So, I'm going to move back to my mothers. I will work part time and go to school full time. For a few years, I will still have summers off with the boy! Wahoo!

For right now, I'm staying in SC. I'm going to stay here until our house sells. I'm going to see what I can do about taking some online courses, so I'm at least being productive. And I'm going to start doing daycare for some income.

I'm a little scared. OK, a lot scared. But I know in my heart it's what's right. It's what's best, especially for the boy. An added bonus, it will be easier for he and Randy to spend time together, since Randy will be in PA. (Of course, that's if it's what Randy wants)

To quote one of my favorite movies: "Home is where your history begins. Home is where they catch you when you fall."

Well, hello there....

Remember me? I'm that crazy lady who is supposed to write in this thing every day, and has failed miserably lately. BUT I have an excuse. It's been crazy busy trying to get in all our good byes.

The trailer is packed. (Yes, I'm towing a trailer for 10 hours....wish me luck!!!) Everything is ready to go. Except me, I think. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, but still just a little nervous.

I mde myself wake up at 3am, so hopefully, around 1 I can lay down for a little bit and get in a decent nap. Wyatt and I should be leaving around 6 this evening. I figured that should work...we will cross the state line, stop for a quick dinner, and then we *should* be at our new house about 4 am. Any later, and I'm afraid he wouldn't go back to sleep. I've added in time for coffee stops. (I won't forget about the coffee!!!) So, we will see how a 10 hour trip goes with 3 dogs and a 5 year old (Did I already ask you to wish for luck for me?)

I don't really feel like I'm *ready* to leave, I just want to get the drive over with. I mean, I am ready, but I don't know that emotionally I am. I just have so many friends here, and I feel like I'm too old to start over.

I can't believe parent orientation for Wyatt's school is TOMORROW. Wow. He's going to be IN SCHOOL. I will have no excuse for not updating my blog then. Although, I'm sure I'll be able to come up with some :)

Ahhhhhh

Well, yesterday, at 1800 hours, I took off my steel toed boots, to never have to put them on again. From here on out, nothin' but flip flops, baby! And, lemme tell you, my piggies are loving it :)

There is totally other stuff I can type about, but I can't think of it at the moment.

I can't believe in ONE WEEK Wyatt, the dogs, and I will be on the way to SC. There's really not much left. I did a lot of cleaning today, so a quick touch up Tuesday, plus packing all my & Wyatt's clothes. We are paying someone to come clean the carpets once all the furniture is out. It seems kinda surreal. I have something going on every day until we leave. I'm trying to cram all the goodbyes in. How do people in the military do this all the time?

On the bright side, thanks to the internet, I already "know" a few people where we are going. And I know it will help that Wyatt is going to be in school. I am SO gonna be a PTA mom. I just wanna make friends!

Busy night

We went to the races last night. Wyatt LOVED it. First he said he wanted to leave because it was too loud, but once he got used to it he had a blast. He's getting big before I'm ready for him to. Last night there was a wreck, and, knowing I could see him, I let him run to the fence where the wreck was without me. He got lost in a crowd of kids and other onlookers, and I didn't panic (even though I really wanted to!) I knew where he was, and I knew he couldn't go anywhere. *Sniffle* Yesterday, he wanted an extra snack. He told me he's the oldest, so he could get extra. I just laughed and let him have it. What can ya do?

There is so much fun stuff around here, and we have so many friends. Sometimes I get so aprehensive about leaving, but I know we are doing the best thing for our family. Last night we went with Adriana and her kids. I love those girls so much. Last week I worked with their dad, and they came to the station. Carleigh, who isn't 2 yet, gave me a kiss and I heard her say my name for the first time. I had to leave the room because I broke down. Last night she kept wanting to sit in my lap and cuddle me. It's like I can feel my heart break. I love both of those girls like they were my own. Wyatt is just like a big brother to them. Sometimes they are best friends, sometimes they are each other's worst enemies. I know we will have friends like that in SC eventually, but it's still hard.

Mr. Rust is coming over today. We are gonna cook out and make S'mores. Tomorrow is Hersheypark, and after that, who knows. But every day on the calendar is BOOKED. I want to get some stuff cleaned up today, but otherwise, there's nothing to pack that can't wait until the last day (like clothes, toiletries, etc) I've kinda reached the point where there's nothing I can do. *Sigh

Wow....

I looked at the calendar this morning and realized I only have 11 days left in this state (Commonwealth, whatever) And those 11 days are BUSY. I'm going to MD for 2 or 3 of them, some family is coming up for another, other family is coming up for 3 other days, I work, Randy works, we have 2 trips to Hersheypark planned, tonight I'm taking Wyatt to the racetrack...there's always something! Plus, I really want to get some more stuff packed. I want to make it so that all that's out is wtuff to keep Randy entertained and clothed and fed for the 2 weeks I'm down there and he's up here. He's got a hard enough job with loading the uhaul, I'd at least like to make it easy for him.

I have found a coffee maker that I must have. It's a cuisinart Keurig combo. It makes iced tea, 5 different size coffees....I want it. I will have it. It's got quiet brew technology. The Keurig I have now is pure awesomeness, but it's VERY noisy. And, I will be living in SC, I will have to be able to produce sweet tea on demand. :)

I can't believe in 2 weeks my baby starts Kindergarten. I think I had more issues with Pre-K than I do with this. I'm really not overly upset or anxious. Yet. I'm excited for him. I think the first day he's at school I will probably just wander around the house lost. Randy won't be there yet, I should have the stuff I'm bringing unpacked. Yup, staring at the walls...that's what I shall do. Now that I put it that way...You know, I will have fun. I will go into the city, do some window shopping, maybe just drive around and explore the area. Yup, I will have fun

Not too bad so far...

I finished my 2nd (and last) Clomid cycle. Other than waking up sweaty a few times, this cycle was not bad at all. Hopefully the side effects are done and won't last forever. Well, I did have a mood swing or 2 but nothing that *I* think was too bad :) Maybe next cycle I will do herbal stuff, maybe I won't do anything. I don't know. I think I'm just going to take it as it comes for right now. I do have an appointment with a fertility doctor once we move (the waiting list for those things is usually pretty long, so I scheduled it now)

I've looked into support groups/co-ops for homeschooling, and there really isn't much in the county that I'm in. I'm sure we will find something, even if it's by joining one of the groups in a larger city. If I have to travel once a month, that's not too bad. Completely worth it for Wyatt to get the whole experience, in my opinion. And I think it will help me feel better about everything, just to have someone local to talk to about it all. I'm still on the fence about private school, but at the moment it's not an option anyway.

Lately I've felt like there is just so much to do, and I will never find a way to get it all done. I have lists everywhere, even a list of lists. I just feel....discombobulated. Last night I went to make pancakes for dinner, only to find that I packed the measuring cups and mixing bowls. So I was going to make tacos, but....you guessed it, the seasoning was packed. Stuff I meant to leave out, but apparently didn't. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I've packed what I have because I know it will be easier in a few weeks, but right now I just feel...out of sorts I guess. It doesn't help that we are trying to be creative for meals and use what we have without going to the store, and that makes me feel more disorganized. I can't wait to get back on my diet and maybe start working out. I do know that getting up early and having time to myself helps. It gives me a chance to read, pray, and just prepare myself for the day.

Today Wyatt has camp, and then I work at 6pm. 3 more shifts...is it over yet? I've already made a list of stuff I want to get done today, so hopefully it will happen. I'm going to try not to let myself doze off today...It's so hard for me to sleep at work, that I'm hoping if I go in really tired I will be able to. Of course, that almost guarantees we will have a busy night, and there will be no sleep. I really love what I do, but I find myself maintaining that count down. I think in my heart I know that I would rather be at home with my family.

Timing...'aint it grand?

So Mary, our Realtor, called yesterday. They rejected our offer. They counter offered, we counter offered more than we wanted, but we REALLY liked that house. Not 5 minutes after we gave our counter offer, my dad calls. (Insert creepy music here...not because my dad called, but because he had BAD news) He did some investigating on the area we were moving to, at my request. Turns out the run down house next door that made me a little nervous is part of a compound for, in his words, "a junior varsity version of Hells Angels". Well then. Good thing the seller is a moron who doesn't know a good offer when he sees one! So, now we are buying this house. And we will be right next to dad. I have mixed feelings about that, and I'm pretty sure most of my readers know what those feelings are. If not, ask, and expect a LONG explination.

So anyway...that's my big news for the day. Exciting, huh? Nothing else to report. No hot flashes last night, praise Jeebus. We did have a good time yesterday. We invited one of our friends over, and had dinner, then a camp fire with S'mores and stuff. It was really fun. The weather was perfect. The boy's behavior? Not so much. He had a 4 hour nap late in the afternoon, and despite trying to wake him up, he slept chevy style....like a rock. I knew I was going to pay for it last night. And pay for it I did! *Stops typing to take a gulp of coffee*

Hmmm...what else, what else. I dunno. I have nothing going on. Randy's working today, so I have some phone calls to make, laundry to do. I think everything is packed that can be packed, except for our clothes, and I will do that today. I just know there are clothes in that closet that we won't be wearing for a while. To boxes they shall go! I am so sick of boxes, although, I must say, they do make lovely decor. If you like brown. And cardboard. Which I don't.

Alright world....I'm off to go...hmmm...sit on the couch and veg, I guess. Wyatt is sleeping in my bed, and my room is the only thing I have left to do, so I gotta wait.

ARRGGGGHHHH

I had an entire blog typed. I liked it. It was cute and funny, much like yours truly. I went to post it, and it disappeared. Head, meet desk.

So, anyway, we are not buying my dad's house. We found a bigger house. It's on an acre less land, but really, 2 acres is plenty. It's already fenced, has one more bedroom, a bigger master closet, and a nicer layout. And it's only 5 grand more. We put an offer on it yesterday. Click here to see the house. I'm excited! Quite nervous, a little scared, but mostly super excited. (And still really peeved that I'm typing all this for the second time this morning)

You loyal readers are lucky I didn't just say screw it and not post!

Now, I don't remember if I told you about Barnum, Wyatt's cat. Well, I did already this morning, but you didn't see it. He and Bailey made themselves outside cats. A couple of months ago we noticed that his paw was swollen. We made them indoor cats again, and kept an eye on his paw. It seemed to get better. Well, then it started "oozing" So, we took him to the vet, where they told me he had an infection down to his bone. 2 rounds of oral antibiotics, an injectable antibiotic, pain meds, debreiding, and multiple return visits for bandaging later....He seemed all better. 2 days ago, his paw started profusely bleeding, and the blood was mixed with, well, puss. So, back to the vet we go. Another injectable antibiotic and another round of oral antibiotics later...if it's not *significantly* better in 2 days, he needs an x-ray. But, his personality has not changed at all. He still lets Wyatt love on him. A lot. To the point that I'm almost sorry for the cat. Remember the Peanuts cartoon? Linus and his blanket? Yeah, that's Wyatt and his cat.

This is a small sample of what happens every day

I really think the cat is part dog.

Well, today I start round 2 of Clomid. I decided to go ahead with 2 rounds and give each ovary a chance to step up to the plate before I start Vitex. I'm kinda scared that the cervical surgery is preventing me from getting pregnant. According to the mean doctor, I have almost no cervix. I mean, that's gotta have an impact, right? All the research I've done (and the mean doctor) say that the cervix plays no role in conception. But my body says different. You know what though? Really, if that's the case, then IUI and IVF will bypass that, so I *still* know I'll get pregnant, even if I need a little help.

Are you ready?

Yet again....nothing is quite the way I had said it would be in my last post.

First...I had a realization. Why am I going to pay 400.00 a month for Wyatt to go to school when I can do it myself? So, yeah, we are back to that. Which also means we aren't leaving until 8/31. Now, there is a chance that we will still buy dad's house, but there is someone else looking at it. If they offer what Dad is asking, well, then, that's 20,000 more than we are paying, and they can have it. There is another house we LOVE. Actually, we love it more than Dad's. The only reason we aren't buying it is because we would really like to know who our neighbors are. So we will see how things work. At least we have a back up plan in place.

Head, meet desk.

I am exhausted. We worked the Outlaw Races last night, so that wasn't done til about 2am, then I had to be up for work this morning, today I'm working 6am until 10pm, then tomorrow I'm teaching Sunday school, and then working from 2pm until 10pm. Sleeeep. I want sleeeep.

I think I may not do Clomid next month. I hate the way it made me feel, I hate the mood swings it gave me, how hot I was....Ugh. Yes, a baby would absolutely be worth all of that. But, first, I think I'm going to try to go the natural/herbal route. I don't need all those side effects on top of moving and trying to get Wyatt started with school. I'm not sure what I'm doing yet (other than research, lol) But Clomid has some possible long term side effects that the herbs don't, so...

Power of thought is not always a good thing.....

So....I am well aware of the fact that a fertilized embryo won't implant for a minimum of 10 days. Thus, you can't be pregnant until 10 days after you ovulate. (Arent you SO glad you opened this blog?) It has been 6 days. And I have had every pregnancy symptom under the sun. Heartburn SO bad that I wake up choking on stomach acid. Is this all side effects to the Clomid? Some of them, yes. And every little twinge has me thinking "is that it?" Now, the first person to tell me to not think about it so much will have their face ripped off. So will whoever decides to tell me to stop trying and I will get pregnant. 2 things you should never say to someone who is trying to conceive

OH OH OH OH OH. I almost forgot...while we were in SC, we got an offer on our house. And, it was for the asking price. :) WOO HOO! So, August 31 we are settling, and moving to SC. Wyatt and I may go down sooner. It's likely that we will, so that he can start school with his class. I know, I know, but he's going to a small private school. Worst case scenario, he will have to go to public school until there is a spot open, but I called his school and they are pretty sure they have spots for K5. (They have to play with the numbers to make sure...but I'm thinking positive) So, he and I will go down around Aug 7, stay with my dad until Randy settles on the house here and comes down to join us and we buy the new house. So, on the bright side, no Clomid next month. Part of me wants to say that it will just be easier to let Wyatt start after Labor Day, but I hate the thought of all the kids already having their own friends and knowing the routine, and here the boy will have to,not only get used to living in a whole new state, but trying to fit in with these kids he doesn't know. Over protective? Probably. I know kids do it all th time, but, it's MY kid. I don't know. I really don't know what I"m going to do. Randy wants me to stay here until we can all go down together, so that's what I should do, but....I really want Wyatt to start with his class. It makes more sense for me to stay, then I don't have to drive back up here just to get the dogs. (They can't fit in the Uhaul, and they can't stay at Dad's, so I would have to drive back up to get them when we are ready for our house) Ugh....Stupid southern states starting school so early!! What happened to just starting after Labor Day?

See, and here, when I sat down to start typing, I thought I had nothing to write about. Ha! I should know myself well enough by now to know that I can go on about pretty much anything.

Morning, interrupted

So I woke up at 3 am this morning. No idea why. But I just couldn't go back to sleep. I finally gave up and got out of bed to play on Facebook. (Although, I must say, I balanced the check book first, so I was responsible! Plus I had to t-fer money from savings to cover Barnum's vet bills) Well, I sat here thinking...I really should take advantage of all the beautiful scenery and sit on my patio furniture with my coffee to watch the sunrise. Does it get any more peaceful than that??

The answer to that, my friends, is YES. It gets much more peaceful. Because, you see, there, on the pretty blue and yellow cusion, was a spider. Now I know that spider was sitting there, waiting. Waiting for my pre-caffeinated self to not notice it and plop right down, where it would promptly bite me in the ass and kill me. And really, I refuse to die before I've had my coffee. So Mrs. Outdoors came in. See, this is why I must have a camper to camp. No tents for me! Can you make a tent spider proof? I think not

Hey, did you know that my kid is the cutest EVER? Yesterday, he was playing with his legos, trying to build a fire truck. This is what I heard: "On the third day, God created a steering wheel. And He liked it". Ahhh...so sweet. He comes up with stuff all the time that is SO smart. And lately he has really been a different kid. His behavior is SO much better. He cleans up after himself, I only need to ask him once. (Bear in mind, this is after weeks of throwing away toys that he didn't pick up....In reality, they were donated, but he thinks they were thrown away)

It appears we are going to be moving to SC with a zoo. That's right, a zoo. 3 cats, 2 fish, a snail, a frog and 4 dogs. FOUR dogs. We have been petsitting a friends Golden Retriever until he can find an apartment that will let him keep Sam. Well, said friend and I were talking, and I jokingly told him he was going to have to figure out how to make visitations work if it was across state lines. He said "Well, I guess I'll have to drive to SC". Uh, I wasn't serious, it's your dog! But, well, I guess now I have a step-dog. He's such a sweetie that I really don't mind. Now, I know what you're thinking. Mocha, Rascal, and Sam. That's 3 dogs. I said 4. Well, do you remember our puppy Sam? (Clearly, a very different Sam than the one we have now) His mom just had puppies. Yesterday, in fact. And, one of them is ours :) I am getting a girl this time around. I am getting way too outnumbered around here. And I'm excited!!! :) Hey, I warned you people. So what, I didnt' wait 6 months? Randy feeds into it....He's the one who wanted Georgie, the kitten. So there!

I think, when we move (or maybe before that) I'm going to look into becoming a midwife. Too many moms don't have the birthing options they want. I know that when I do get pregnant again, I want to deliver in a birthing center, instead of a hospital. I'd really like to deliver at home, but I don't know that anyone would allow that. It may be too risky. So, I will settle for a birthing center. I'd like to do a water birth. I've heard such wonderful things. But, I digress. SC does allow midwifery, so....I am going to look into it :)

I'm a slacker (Warning, talk about girl parts! Although not pertaining to me being a slacker)

Sorry it's been a while since I've written. (Although I'm not sure anyone's noticed!)

What a crazy week it's been. We are mostly packed. Now it's just a matter of moving it to the garage, so it can go in the moving van Thursday.

I can't remember if I've posted this or not, but we've decided to buy my brother's house. While we both loved the character the other house had, being over a century old, it was going to turn into a money pit. Plus, it needed so much done just for us to move in. Steve's was ready to go. It's small, but we are just a family of 3, so we don't need much. And it's on 3 acres. So really, kinda an obvious choice, I think.

Well, as it turns out, my progesterone levels were great. Why does everyone keep using that word..."Great". I'm so happy all of our levels are "great". So then why aren't I having a baby? Can someone explain this to me? Because you give me 3 acres, and we will have more animals. I did find out last week that my cervix is almost "non-existant". I'd had a LEEP done a few years ago (they scrape off portions of your cervix) and either there was a larger volume of cancer cells than I thought, or they just took too much. It explains a lot about the blood loss I had afterwards, but noone told me they took so much. But I digress.

The dr at Hershey said that it's not a concern, but something to keep an eye on. Really? Cause I think it's a concern. Ah, well. I go back tomorrow to have another test done. This time they will inject dye into my (almost non existant) cervix and take x-rays to show if there are any blockages preventing Randy's stuff from getting to where it needs to go. Dr says it's not painful, but it will cause discomfort (Enough that they are premedicating me for pain...Hmmm...discomfort you said?) Plus I will be crampy Wed night. Yay! The last night to pack, and I'm gonna be crampy. Go figure. So, I will try to get as much done today as possible. With 4 kiddos underfoot, not sure it's gonna happen, but I will do my best.

Boy, I'm awfully whiney this morning. It's really not all that bad. Guess I need more coffee. Or vallium. I'll take either, really. Or for this week to be over. That would be nice too.

Things in our house really are going well, considering all the upheaval. I think my older brother and I are getting along pretty well. (Although maybe that's because he's getting a nice check from me in a few days...HA!) I'm looking forward to next week, being somewhat settled in the new house, having just a few kids to take care of, and just being able to breathe. I can't wait to see how the schedules pan out, and I will be taking more time for myself by going to the Y. Yes, I will be going with kids in tow, but there is a child care area, so I will still be by myself. Just need to get ear buds for my I-Pod, and download a gym playlist. I did take a deep well water aerobics class, and that was fun. Worked me harder than I expected it to, but that's a good thing, right?

Wyatt has been so much better behaved lately. We've tried to either get him in bed on time, or let him sleep in, and it's made such a huge difference. He still has his moments, but things have been easier.

Well, it's 7:30, time to get moving. Must heat up the coffee and get dressed and be ready for the day. Anyone have any duct tape I can borrow?

Overwhelmed....relieved....confused....blah

Bear with me, please. This is a combination advice/venting/update post.




OK, so...we made a decision. We'd actually had a contract on a house, then, deciding we didn't want any debt, we decided to buy my brother's house (There were other reasons, but that was teh primary one) So, January 29, we will be the proud owners of 3 1/2 acres with gorgeous mountain views. And (drum roll please) no HOA!!! YEE HAW! When we made this decision, for the first time in a month, I was actually happy. Longer than a month, really. There was a relief there that I didn't feel when we put the contract on the first house. I feel like, as far as that's concerned, things are right. The house is on the small side, but that's ok. Love grows best in little houses, right?



Along with that...I want a vegie garden. Tomatoes and zucchini. Maybe cucumbers. How do I start? I have no clue. Should I start inside? If so, I won't start til the end of the month, since that's when I move.



Wyatt's 4 1/2. If he goes to school next year, I need to register him. I'm really torn about homeschooling. I don't know that I can do it. Well, that's not true. I know I CAN....I mean, he counts to 100, can add, knows fractions...He's a smart guy. There's a co-op near me, and several families in our church homeschool. But (bad mom here) I want a break! And it doens't help that SIL (who I love) is a PS teacher, so there's pressure from her to send him. But, as one of the HS moms in our church says, I don't want to "unteach" him stuff when he gets home. And he's already ahead of some 1st graders. When he gets bored, he looks for trouble. Am I a bad mom for wanting a break? A little over a year ago I was working 4 jobs, now I'm a SAHM. I love my son, and we want a large family, but where did *I* go?



I think I'm going through some depression. I don't know if it's the fertility issues, or what. I'm pretty sure I have low progesterone, and that would account for mood swings, my hormones being out of whack, but lately, it's all I can do to get off the couch long enough to brush my teeth. I know I have lots of sources of stress right now (both good and bad) but some days I don't care. Maybe it's exhaustion. (I forgot having a new puppy was like having a newborn) And I'm so freakin sick of putting on a happy face for everyone all the time.



OK, I'm done now. I think. SOrry, had to get it all out