Forgiveness

This blog comes, appropriately, on my sweet girl's 10th birthday. Happy Birthday, Ashley! (For those that don't know, Ashley is my daughter being raised by her Dad and Stepmom, and I haven't seen her for over 6 years)

So this Sunday our sermon was on forgiving others. I sat in that sanctuary and could honestly say that I do forgive my enemies. Yes, I can dislike what they have done to me, I can be angry about it, I can be hurt by it, but I can (and have) forgive. I have to. Maybe I forgive for selfish reasons. You see, if I choose NOT to forgive, then it eats me up. I can be consumed by the anger, the rage, the injustice. Or, I can accept that it happened, forgive, and move on. WOW! There is so much freedom in that. I certainly can't expect everyone to understand. They don't have to. But *I* know how much it lightens my load to forgive my enemies. My personal enemies. It really changes who you are as a person if you can do that.

There's a hard part though.

How do you forgive yourself? I made choices over 6 years ago, and more recently, that aren't the same choices I'd make today. Do I regret them? That's a hard thing to answer. I know my daughter is happy, I know she's loved. No, she's not with me, and I don't think it's the best, and I KNOW when I see her again it's going to be so hard for everyone (Including Lee and Shelbi). I made the best decisions I could at the time. I don't doubt that. I do doubt whether they were best in the long run. I've never harmed a hair on either of my child's head, but, for a while, I wasn't the best mom. I thank God every day that I can say I've changed. But there is still a huge sense of loss. And it hurts. And I did it to myself. I didn't stand up for myself. Like I said, when I made those choices I truly believed, and continue to believe, they were the best choices at the time. But I'm still angry-with myself.

Why is it I can forgive those who hurt me, but I can't forgive myself? (Yes, there were things Shelbi did that hurt me terribly, and continue to affect me today...I still have such a hard time trusting people. But you know what? I forgive her. I think she thought she was doing them for Ash. I don't know what she thought, or why she did it. It doesn't matter. I forgive her.) I can't forgive myself that neither of my children have grown up knowing each other. Or, frankly, even knowing about each other. I know I have to, but forgiving others is so much easier for me.

I guess it's that I can't control someone else's actions. I can control my reaction though. And I certainly can control my actions. It's relatively easy to forgive when I'm not at fault.

Some may read this and call me naive. Honestly, I expect it. And if you do, I'm sorry. I really am. Because you don't know how liberating it is to TRULY forgive your personal enemies. God knows, it's not easy. But really, are the best things ever easy?