Maybe it's time....

This is a really hard post to write.

My step-mom called today. She's having a yard sale next weekend, and she wanted to know if I wanted her to sell all of the baby stuff that is still in SC. I told her yes, I mean, I clearly have no plans for any of it in the near future.

I hung up the phone, poured a glass of wine, and burst into tears. Logically, I know that selling those things doesn't mean that I'm giving up the idea of ever having another baby. But it does feel like I'm slamming a door on my dream of a big family.Here I am, 32 (ancient in trying to conceive years), single, and "infertile". Not that selling that stuff changes any of that, but it's so...tangible. Right now, I feel hopeless, and mad and full of "it's not fair". Here I am, finally comfortable and sure that I"m a good mom, and....well, I'm not going to have a big family.

I feel like this is forcing me to accept the infertility. I'm acknowledging that another successful pregnancy isn't probable. I think acceptance is overrated. I don't want to accept that another baby isn't going to happen.

I can say that getting rid of those things doesn't mean anything, but it does. It means that I'm moving on to the next chapter of my life. I'm accepting that things aren't what I wanted them to be.

Yes, I am so very very grateful for what I have. Every day my son says or does something that just amazes me and makes me realize how very blessed I am.

But I can't make him a big brother. And that sucks.

Keep breathing....

Stupid things. We all say 'em. I'd like to think that, most of the time, they are done out of...well, stupidity, and not because we mean harm. Sometimes, though, there are people who are so totally thoughtless that they must completely rip the filter separating their brains from their mouths and throw said filter in the trash. I'd like to kick those people in the shin. While I'm wearing steel toed boots. (And I happen to have a pair)

Anyway...that's not what this was supposed to be about. Stuff happens. We know this. Anyone who has ever seen a bumper sticker knows it. Bad things happen to good people, blah blah. What makes it so hard is to know that there is a God out there. Yes, believing generally softens the blow, but sometimes....it doesn't. And even believing in God and knowing He has a plan doesn't negate the fact that sometimes, life just isn't fair.

So what do you do? What do you do when you feel like your world is falling down? Or when you are watching someone else's life crumble? What do you say? Words simply can't always make things better. What's left? Do you make empty promises? Do you quote scripture? Sorry, but when I'm angry at God, the last thing I want to do is listen to Him.

The only thing I really have to compare any of this to is my struggle with infertility. I know it's not the same, nor is my infertility struggle the same as the girl sitting next to me at the doctor's office. Similar, maybe, but not the same. Similar enough that I know (now) that words meant to heal only hurt. Things I use to find comfort may only make it worse for someone else.

There is one thing all of us can do. Every single one of us who is experiencing any kind of fear or loss or hurt has one thing left.....

Hope.

No one....not one of us, knows what will happen tomorrow. I do know this~ Miracles happen. People beat the odds, and accomplish what they were told would never happen.

So don't give up.

Hope.

"When you say a person or a situation is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God"

Randomness

First of all, my last post was a bit...sad, needless to say. I guess with it being our anniversary, it just was a tangible reminder. I do have faith that we will have more children, if that's God's plan. If it's not, I am so blessed to have my amazing son. It was just a really bad day.

I've really been doing a lot of thinking about our curriculum for this year. According to SC law, I do have to teach certain subjects. There's nothing that says how much time needs to be spent, outside of meeting an attendance requirement. Because math is so "logical" and something that you really need to build on, I will do Saxon. The problem is that Wyatt is about halfway through the 2nd grade level. So I may just get 2nd grade and take it slow. If we finish, we will move on to 3rd. That's the great part about this. We do what works for us. As far as the other subjects, he is going to learn SO MUCH of that in daily life. I'm going to make a list of educational goals twice a quarter, and each day I will have a checklist to help us stay on track. At the end of the day, as long as what's on that list has been accomplished, I will be happy. And if not, there's always tomorrow. A friend reminded me of something...one of the reasons I'm doing this is I want Wyatt to know that learning can, and should, be FUN!

Here is an awesome quote I read today:

‎"Homeschooling is all about finding the heartbeat of your family and following that pace—not your neighbor’s, not your best homeschooling buddy’s, and not the grade level expectations for your child’s age." -Sarah Small

I knew it was a matter of time...

....before I crumbled.

I've been hyper emotional the past week or so. I really thought I might be pregnant. Obviously, I'm not. I was doing ok with it, or so I thought.

I'm sitting here on my 2nd anniversary. DH and I always wanted a big family. I should have a toddler and a baby. We should have been able to experience a pregnancy together. I should have a house full of kids and noise. I'm not one to cry or show much emotion very often. Yet, I'm sitting here sobbing.

I try to laugh my way through a lot of it. I mean, if I don't laugh, I'll cry. I don't like crying. Well, today, I just want to curl up in a ball and sob until I just can't cry anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I'm obviously thrilled to have my 6 year old. But I want more.

I've really been doing very will with "It will happen, Godhas a plan, I'm grateful that I've been given this gift so I can appreciate pregnancy more"

Well, darn it, I don't want to appreciate being infertile anymore. I want a belly. I want a bundle in my arms. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I think my heart somehow knew that our anniversary was coming up. Although it's not our TTC anniversary (we actually started 3 months before we got married), it's still such an in your face kinda day.

My poor 6 year old walked in while I was writing this and crying. He asked me what was wrong. We don't hide things from him, we just explain it to him on his level. So I told him I was sad that we don;t have a baby brother or sister for him. Then my poor child had to deal with Mommy crying on his shoulder. He looked at me and said "It's ok mommy, let's just go sprinkle some baby dust on you". God love him.

I think I've just really been working up to this. I've been wondering why I was so emotional. I guess this is it. I hate it.I hate my body. I hate the doctors that butchered my cervix. I hate that I can't give my husband the gift of knowing what it's like to raise a child from infancy. I hate that I get so mad at people who complain about being pregnant.

I will NEVER regret my son. EVER. Or the daughter that doesn't even know me anymore. But I am so angry that I could have them so easily, and take them for granted.

My uterus is empty. And that makes my heart hurt.

I didn't want a roller coaster

So the past few days I've been really emotional. No clue why. I've cried at anything and everything. Yesterday I figured I would take a pregnancy test. Well, I got....an evap line. I mean, that really screws with a person emotionally. I know it was an evap line for sure because I tested again this morning,and it's definitely negative.

People, who try to say the right thing, inevitably end up saying the wrong thing. I know they mean well, but sometimes I really just want to tell them to shove it.

So now, on top of being emotional for some reason (maybe just being stuck in the house), I'm bummed because I had a major sense of hope, and...it's gone.

It doesn't help that there's a girl I feel has made several passive aggressive comments that are directed at me. I try to ignore them, but I can't really ignore her. It's frustrating to say the least. I wish, if she had a problem, she would just say something. I may be reading too much into it, so I'm just patiently waiting to see if yet another thing comes up. If so, I will address it. In the meantime, I just continue to do what's best for our family, and not try to please anyone else. It's a nudge to remember that not everyone is my friend, and to quit expecting to trust someone I haven't known for long.

It's just been a week. I keep doing my best to take comfort in the fact that all of this serves a purpose. God knows what He's doing, and I have to trust Him.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to watch a Baby Story and wallow in my misery.

I love having plans

So...now we have a plan. I love having a plan. I hate not knowing what's going on.

Went to the GYN today for my post op. I got to see pictures of my reproductive organs. They are so pretty and perfect.

My cervix....my cervix is not so pretty. It's well, scarred. The GYN suspects that's why conception hasn't happened.

Randy and I talked some last night. We are definitely going to go back for another IUI. We will wait for September, for 2 reasons. The first...we will have insurance. The second...I really want to be under 200 pounds. I'm not there. I'm definitely closer to there than I was last time. But I want to BE there. I called the RE's office (Reproductive Endocrinologist) and I don't need to do anything other than call them the first day of my cycle when we are ready to start back, since it's been less than a year.

There are 2 things that need to happen before and during my next IUI cycle. The first, we need to do marital counseling. Now, we are in a Sunday Small Group (kinda like Sunday school) that's focused on marriage enrichment. I think if we can really follow that, it may help. I'm going to give it a month, and if I don't see an improvement, it's back to counselling, in addition to the class. But, if we do go the counselling route, it will continue while we are doing infertility treatments. I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back with our marriage before. I would be totally crushed, and hide it. Randy wouldn't tell me anything. My moods were all over the place. I need to make sure history doesn't repeat itself.

The second thing that needs to happen...I need to establish an exercise routine. Obviously, this is slightly delayed. But I don't want to start the treatments until I have one underway. I want to make sure my body is as healthy as possible.

In the meantime, I am charting. I just started yesterday. If you've never charted, here are the bare basics. You wake up, and before you do ANYTHING, you take your temperature. No run of the mill thermometer will work. You need a basal body thermometer. What makes it so special? It measures degrees in hundredths, so you get a more accurate result. You take said temperature FIRST thing in the morning. You don't even get out of bed first. Then you chart it, and your temp pattern (along with monitoring some bodily functions) tells you when you ovulate, and can even possibly indicate pregnancy. If this is something you want to consider, you can find this thermometer in the family planning aisle. Look for the pink and blue box with the happy couple. Also, be prepared...it's not so easy to see teeny numbers in a teeny window, much less remember them pre-coffee.

Oh yeah. And I'm going to cut back on coffee. Yes, I only have one cup now, but it's a travel mug. One 6 oz cup a day. And now it's root beer or water. No other caffeine. However, I'm keeping my M&Ms. Remember? I'm making my marriage work. I need some caffeine, and chocolate. All things in moderation :)

I don't wanna hear it (An infertility vent)

I know, I said I was gonna post more. Then I got better pain meds. I've been a little out of it.Rest assured (Because I know you're stressed about it) I've made a list of topics. I haven't given up!

What's really weighing on my mind now, despite that I promised it wouldn't be....my struggle with secondary infertility. Yes, I am so incredibly blessed to have a sticky little boy's hand to hold, and, thank God I don't take a moment of it for granted. But that doesn't mean that secondary infertility doesn't hurt. There's still an ache inside me. I want to know what it's like to see the 2nd line and be excited. I want to experience friends and family screaming with excitement rather than asking me what I'm going to do. I want to relish every kick, every emotion, and yes, every moment of morning sickness. I want that rush when my messy baby is placed in my arms the first time. I want to see my little boy hold a baby brother or sister. I don't want to explain to him that, no, sprinkling baby dust on my tummy won't put a baby in there. I don't want to tell him that Mom and Dad have to go to the Dr that's 2 hours away because that's the only way we will get a baby. I don't want to spend thousands of dollars on something some women say they get every time their husbands look at them. I want a houseful. I want my house to be noisy. No, I'm not lucky that my house is quiet. No, I can't just relax and get pregnant.

And, dammit, I got my hopes up this month. Yes, I know I was crazy to. I mean, why would this month be different. For Pete's sake, I broke my leg the day I ovulated. But somehow, I did. My hopes were up there. And they still kinda are, even though I know better.

I can say this...I don't take Wyatt, or time with Wyatt, for granted like I used to. I wish I had a chance to do my pregnancy and his infancy over again. Those were precious moments that I didn't appreciate. Miraculous moments. I want them back. But I don't take the present moments for granted. I see that as a wonderful gift.

I don't sit here and pretend that I have it any better or worse than any other woman labeled infertile. Some have never been pregnant, some have had multiple miscarriages, and some just can't get pregnant again. I don't think one hurts any more than the other.

We dreamed of having a big family. We would talk about it. My first blog address was based on our future big family.

When your dreams don't come true, it hurts.

Surgery update

Well, we definitely didn't get the answer we wanted. We didn't get any answers. Although the GYN did tell Randy that my cervix is awfully hard. Maybe we did get something out of it.

This morning, when I was waiting for surgery, I did get a little nervous. I had a few "I wanna go home" moments. I got pretty scared. But, I closed my eyes, and had a chat with God. I told Him that no matter the outcome, I would still love Him, and I'd still need Him. I prayed for answers, for acceptance, and for peace. In my head I kept hearing "This pain aint gonna last much longer, believe me, this is gonna make you stronger" I couldn't ask for a better song to be stuck in my head.

So how do I feel now? Physically, really sore. My throat hurts, my shoulder hurts (from the gas..don'task why), and my stomach is sore.

Emotionally, I'm somewhat numb. I could cry at the drop of a hat, and that's not like me. I think I've kinda taken the pain of not knowing WHY and pushed it away. Now that Randy has told me what the GYN said, then I feel that, maybe, we have a new direction to move toward. Maybe not. But, right now, I feel "ok"

Spiritually, I actually feel good. I feel an incredible peace. I feel a comfort that I know can only come from Him. Tomorrow may be different, but right now, I feel good spiritually. For that, I thank everyone who said a prayer for me today.

I knew it would happen eventually....

...I had my "Holy cow, I'm going to have surgery" moment yesterday.

I was finishing up at work and telling the girl I was working with where I had lab stuff, what still needed to be done with a particular issue, and it hit me. It suddenly hit me WHY I had to tell her. And WHY I wouldn't be at work. I'm having surgery. They are going to make me unconscious, invade my body, and (hopefully) remove stuff from it. And it's not just something that's going to happen eventually, it's going to happen tomorrow! (Well, today now) I think it's harder for me this time around because I KNOW that I don't wake up well from anesthesia. At least now I know it, and I can share that valuable piece of info with the nurses. But anyway, I had my little mental break down. In the midst of it, Randy texted me to tell me he has to be at work early, so he couldn't take me to the hospital. Poor man. He didn't know I was falling apart at the moment.

My biggest fear, physically, is that they will nick something while they are in there. Emotionally, I'm afraid that I'm spending 10,000 on this surgery for them to find absolutely nothing. Spiritually...I'm scared that I will be angry at God. For the first time, I finally have that relationship I've heard people talk about. I still think that relationship is a little fragile. I don't want to lose it. Since discovering that I had so many symptoms of Endo, I've had hope. Here's a problem, and, if I have it, they can fix it. I haven't really let myself think that I may not have it. So if I don't....then what is it? Why do I have so much pain? Why can't I get pregnant? What about our dreams of having a big family? How could God let this happen?

That was my biggest prayer yesterday, and today. That God will help me accept the outcome, whatever it may be. If they don't find anything, that I will be able to accept that. There's even some acceptance that will have to happen if they DO find something...I have to accept that, for the rest of my life, when I have a menstrual cycle, it's doing damage to my body. But I can deal with that. I don't know if I can deal with not having answers. It honestly isn't just the infertility. It's the pain that has me doubled over, even after taking twice as much prescription pain relievers. There has to be a reason for that. That isn't cramps. That's got to be indicative that something is wrong. So what is it? I mean, I look around my house, and next to the bed, my recliner, and the office chair are heating pads. Who has heating pads placed strategically around the house?

Alright, God. Help me through this. Please give me answers. But, most of all, I need acceptance.

Stronger, Mandisa

A little of this, a little of that

First...the pool is up! Well, I'm assuming it's still up, and that the cats haven't destroyed it overnight. Rest assured, I took pictures of the whole process! (Sorry, guys, can't help...gotta scrap it)

Randy got lots of laughs at my expense. It's IMPOSSIBLE for me to find a hair style I really like. Well, at least a picture of it. Much less a style and color I like. I mean, I've seen them on people, but I can't very well walk up to someone and ask to take a picture of their hair. Yesterday there was a show on we were watching and one of the people had hair that I LOVE! So, I kept pausing/rewinding the TV to get a good picture of it. I seriously have about 20 pictures of my TV from yesterday. On a side note, how awesome is it that we can pause and rewind live TV? (I say this about a week after we are set to get rid of cable...but that's a whole other post)

Now for the big stuff. Yesterday, I got to talk to a friend that I haven't talked to in forever. It was really nice to catch up, and we cleared the air on some things that I hadn't realized we needed to clear the air on. I'm so glad we did. Plus, it helps to have a friend dealing with some of the same issues.

She also brought something else to light. Now, I know people up in PA typically don't read my blog. And that's fine. So a lot of the people who need to see this won't. But apparently, according to them, I'm to blame for much of what's gone wrong in our relationship. To the point that I'm not sure I'm comfortable going up there anytime soon. I mean, I really don't care what people think, it's what my husband thinks that matters, but still....It hurts that some of my so called friends seemed to have forgotten that there are 2 sides to every story, and that, yes, there are definitely things I could have done much better, but that statement goes across the board. Really, though, all that matters is that Randy and I are working on our marriage. It's stronger than, I think, it ever was. I'm so grateful for that. And honestly, I'm grateful that Randy had people to turn to when he was hurting, just like I did. I'm grateful they had his back, just like my friends had mine. But it still hurts a little.

I'm glad I have this blog. Whether it ever gets read or commented on, I don't care. I can look back and see how much I've changed, how much I've grown. Someone made the comment that maybe my infertility was for the best because of our marriage issues. Well, first, that hurt deeply. It's like saying I deserve to be infertile. No one deserves this. When you have the means to physically, financially, emotionally spiritually care for a child, then no, infertility is not "for the best".

When I look back at my blog, I can see that the two times we've had major issues were centered around infertility. The issues themselves weren't, but I think I wasn't in the best mindset to deal with them. The first time was when we had the diagnosis of infertility. That's really hard for a woman to deal with. My body is failing to do what it was created to do. No matter the reason, it won't do it. That's a crushing blow to my womanhood. Randy and I want a big family, and because of ME we may not have that. I know he says he's ok with that, but still....I think a part of me worried that he would feel like he was missing out. The second time our marriage crumbled was when the 2 IUIs didn't work. I mean, if infertility treatment isn't even going to work, nothing will. At least that's what I remember thinking. I think the fact that I was so willing to give up on my marriage had a lot to do with some depression on my part. And, thanks to this blog, I'm able to see that.

Don't get me wrong, Randy and I still have our issues that we need to work on. But we ARE working on them. Everyone has issues. I can honestly say that our marriage is stronger right now than it ever has been. No matter what has gotten us to this point, I'm thankful that we're here.

I don't know how to help!

I have a friend who doesn't live terribly close to me. We've never been super close, but we've definitely been friends.
She's just suffered through her second miscarriage. I don't know what to say to her. (But, I do know what NOT to say). She's had some infertility testing, and they may have pinpointed part of the reason.
Right now she's angry (not that I blame her). Especially with God. I was so fortunate to have some people who reminded me who He is, and that all things work for Him, even if we don't understand them at the time. And I was able to find comfort in that. I feel horrible, because I want her to have that same comfort. I think, without it, I would have gone insane this last year. When that test came back positive, but the blood test was negative, I wanted to blame someone...who else? But I know He loves me, and He cares for me.
I wish she could see it to. She needs Him now more than ever. Her faith in God will get her through all of this.
If you're reading this, please know I'm not putting your problems "out there". We don't have the same followers, so no one reading this has a clue who I'm talking about. I'm hurting so badly for you right now, and I don't know how to make it better.

Pre op today

Well, today is my pre-op appointment. I'm really trying not to be too terribly nervous. I'm saving that for next week. I'm having an ultrasound done. (I'm not really sure why. I was still in a bit of shock when they scheduled the surgery to ask questions) Then the normal pre-op stuff.

I think the hardest part for me with the surgery will be that they find something. Don't get me wrong, that's what I want. I reaaaalllly want them to find something. Then they can fix it. I will have answers, get rid of a lot of this pain....but I think I will have some anger too. Because the doctors at Hershey put my symptoms on the back burner. They pretty much explained them away as something else entirely. And the mean Dr refused to do this very surgery. That will be hard to deal with if it's what I ended up needing. Not just because of the emotional pain of infertility (although that's part of it) but the physical pain. I know the symptoms have worsened since then, but isn't it their jobs to explore everything, rather than doing half the tests, and then labeling me with "unexplained infertility"?

I'm trying to remind myself that they may not find anything with the surgery. That I will be left with more questions than I have now. There's a line between being positive and being unrealistic.

Maybe I will finally have some answers!

Well, after STILL having pain yesterday, I went to the GYN. I can't believe not only how strong the pain was this month, but how long is lasted. Usually I deal with it for a day, we were on day 4! And it wasn't my imagination, it woke me up out of a deep sleep last night. Anyway, I went to the GYN, and he asked if I wanted stronger meds to help manage the pain (which I'm not a big fan of...I really don't like taking meds unless there is no other choice) or if I wanted to go the surgery route. He did tell me if I wanted surgery, he wanted to do it sooner rather than later, since it definitely seems to be getting worse.

Soooo....I will be having surgery a week from today. I'm nervous. Not so much about the surgery itself. What really terrifies me is that they won't find anything. Stay with me here. If there is something wrong (like Endometriosis) then they can fix it. And I won't have pain. I can't even imagine anymore what it's like to NOT be doubled over in pain, or curled around a heating pad crying, 2 days a month (sometimes more). Quite honestly, at this point, "curing" the infertility is a nice side effect. I just want the pain gone. If they find endo, and clean it out, then my fertility should be restored. It would be so nice to have answers for the emotional pain, too.

It seems to me that a lot of people think pain like what I've been having is nothing more than bad cramps. Oh my, these are no normal cramps. I kid you not, I have been doubled over crying because of the pain. Pain meds rarely help. Sometimes they take the edge off, but not enough to make me comfortable. Or even enough to make me sleep.

The thought process my dr and I talked about is that perhaps when they did the cervical surgery almost 4 years ago, and the subsequent loss of blood & the treatment for that, led to some scarring. (I remember telling my GYN when we first started trying to conceive that my cramps had progressively gotten worse. She chalked it up to age. I'd like to throttle her for not listening) Once I had the HSG the cramps got much worse. My GYN now and I agree that the dye going through my tubes (one side which was partially blocked) probably pushed some of the scarring to a place that causes increased pain. Because after the HSG, bad cramps became unbearable cramps.

Anyway, all this to say that, a week from today, I will finally have some answers. I hope.

What a weekend!

Phew! Let me just tell you...It's been a busy weekend. Saturday was Wyatt's birthday party. We had SO much fun, and his cake turned out far better than the one on his actual birthday. I guess with practice things do get better! (And fire engines are red instead of pink)

Also this weekend was the SCHEA homechooling convention. It was pretty small, but I did get some good info. One of the best things I heard, I think, was when someone said "Remember, you really only have to be one day ahead of your child". That's so true! And, there's always Google to the rescue! On the one hand, I loved that it was a smaller convention. As a new-ish homeschooler, it wasn't at all overwhelming. And it was nice to meet a few local moms, as well as finding out that there is a group of moms in Manning who will be starting to homeschool in the Fall as well, so we are trying to have a get together. That would be nice, since the closest group I can find is about 45 minutes away. Totally doable, but I'd rather it be closer. I did find out, through an online group of mine, about a much larger conference that happens in March. It's for the entire South Eastern US, and it happens to be in SC. We are making plans to attend that.

Saturday night I was having horrible stomach pain. The meds my GYN gave me to help with the menstrual pain worked so well the last 2 months. This month? Not so much. I had taken one more than is prescribed, and still was doubled over sobbing Saturday night. I finally went to the ER. (And let me just ask, why is it that they must give you shots in your butt? I have many more muscles.) I was still sore yesterday, some cramps and I was exhausted, but mostly it was that my stomach muscles felt tired. The ER doctor said he wouldn't give me a diagnosis because I'm being followed by a GYN, but that he thinks my suspicions (about endometriosis) are right. I'm calling my gyn today. We will have insurance in Sept and had been planning on me having the surgery then, but Randy said he'd much rather I have it sooner, even if it means paying out of pocket. The pains are getting more intense and lasting longer. Even just 2 months has made a difference.

Yesterday was Father's Day. From my point of view, it was perfect, except we missed church. There was just no way. I slept in, thanks to the ER visit. (Sorry Randy, that's not how I planned on it going yesterday morning!) We got up, kinda hung around as a family, then we went to my dad's. We gave him his gifts, which were some motorcycle decor, as well as some marinated steaks to cook on his (insert TV announcer voice) BRAND NEW GRILL!!! We had a blast. I think Dad had fun, as well as Randy. Wyatt's behavior was amazing. He was so good yesterday. He had a few moments where he got upset over not getting what he wanted, but he'd go in another room to pout, which is what we've been encouraging him to do. (I don't care that he gets upset, I want him to know it's ok to be upset, but not that it's ok for him to have fits.) The only reason I want him to go into another room is because it helps him to calm down. He knows he can be upset in front of me (or anyone really), as long as he's respectful. But if he chooses to go in another room, I don't blame him. All in all, it was a really good day.

Yeah yeah. Here I am

I have been SO unbelievably tired lately. It's all I can do to keep my eyes open, and I never feel like I've had enough sleep. This is getting pretty insane. At any given moment through the day, I could take a nap. And I'm sleeping at night. It's not like there's even a reason for it. It's so frustrating. My house is a total wreck.

With that being said...something someone said about cramps (remember me posting about how it's near impossible for me to get out of bed because of them some days?) Well, I googled endometriosis. Here are the symptoms, with the ones I've had highlighted.

• Pain before and during periods
• Pain with intercourse
• General, chronic pelvic pain throughout the month
• Low back pain
• Heavy and/or irregular periods
• Painful bowel movements, especially during menstruation
• Painful urination during menstruation
• Fatigue
• Infertility
• Diarrhoea or constipation

Sorry for the parts that are TMI. But I feel like I'm onto something! Now, the issue is that the only way they can check for it is surgery. This is what the Mean Doctor in Hershey told me he wanted me to lose weight for. So, with that being said, I am shooting to have the surgery early this fall. We should have insurance Sept 1, and that gives me the summer to get some of this weight off. (Not to mention motivation...either way, I want to be below a certain weight before we do any more treatments) Oh! And it lets us save money before we do another round of treatments.

Do you know me to be a patient person? *Sigh* Guess I will have all summer to work on that too. Ahh well, we are getting Wyatt a pool for his birthday (shhh don't tell) so I will be enjoying that in the mean time.

I have lots of topics swimming in my head to post about, so I promise to be back tomorrow.

Infertility rant

Not that I'm trying to get pregnant right now (far from it). But, my infertility is ALWAYS in the back of my mind. I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of the fact that, on any given day, I know exactly where I am in my cycle, how many days there are until I ovulate, etc. It's not like I can "forget" how my body works. And I still envy pregnant women. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not so much

With that being said....

I think I need to get this out. And I won't lie, it's not going to be pretty. I am going to come across as bitter and mean, but I need to let it go.

It's. Not. Fair. If you have a child, and have told me that you effing hate him, I will not be happy when you get pregnant again. Nor will I feel sorry for you when you spend your mornings with your head in the toilet.

Don't you DARE tell me that I need to relax. Once I'm spending over 1,000 per month to get pregnant, relaxing is out the window.

If you've been trying for less than 6 months, don't tell me you know how I feel. You don't. Until you've been told that you need to be treated for infertility, you really don't have a clue.

Don't start suggesting my options. If you don't have access to my medical files, and don't spend an inordinary about of time in my home, you don't know what's best for my family.

I think EVERY baby is a blessing. That being said...if you are in a brand new relationship, and find you're pregnant, don't expect me to want to shout my joy from the rooftops. Just because I will love your baby doesn't mean that I have to love your pregnancy. (Please note, there are some people whose pregnancy I would love. Others, not so much)

Don't tell me I'm lucky my house is so quiet. I'd give anything for it to be loud. I WANT to put my life on hold to take care of a baby.

I wanted, dreamed of, having children close together. That is not possible anymore. Don't expect me to not grieve over the loss of my dreams.

Don't be afraid to tell me you're pregnant. Just be sensitive to the fact that it may not be easy. But trust me, it will be much easier to hear it from you with some care than it will to hear it in public. And if I'm happy, it's genuine.

Ask me how things are going. Believe me, it's always in the back of my mind.

Don't ever assume you know how I feel. I don't always know how I feel.

So here we go

Well, I lost weight. Not as much as I expected, but at least the numbers on the scale are going in the right direction.

Today, 3 years ago, a very very special soul went to Heaven. I just want to take a moment to remember that, and to remind moms that even though your kiddos may make you bonkers, they are still yours, and they are amazing wonderful miraculous gifts from God. And even if your arms are empty, you are still a Mom in your heart. God does have a plan, even if we don't always understand it.

My step-mom and I were going through wedding pictures last night. Just a year and a half ago things were so different. The infertility has been in my head a lot lately...of course, so many people I know have had babies in the last month, and so many more are pregnant. I saw a video this morning that really hit home. But, I need to put all that in the back of my mind. My marriage is the most important thing. That has to get fixed before anything else. And I need to know, for me, that my reasons for staying are the right ones. Not because it's easy, or for Wyatt, or because Randy's such a good guy.

This morning is church. Hopefully it goes a little more smoothly this morning than last time, when I lost Wyatt. I do love our church so much. It's time to get ready :)

Happy Sunday y'all!

Infertility and it's effects on my marriage

It seems that anyone who knows I'm having marital problems who also knows that I've had infertility problems (I still REALLY hate that word) seems to ask if one has anything to do with the other.

I certainly can't begin to pretend to know how any other couple reacts to infertility. Or anything else, for that matter. When I look back, after the last negative test, is when I really started to care less about my marriage, and, let's be honest here, pay more attention to outside influences. I never really put the 2 together until now. I had always sworn, once I knew getting pregnant wasn't going to be as easy as I thought, that we wouldn't be one of those couples. And really, I didn't think the negative tests affected me that much...I mean, for me, that was the norm. When I let myself believe I saw a 2nd line, even when Randy saw it, I was so excited, but still felt like it was too good to be true (Being right all thetime is sooo overrated)

So now I'm sitting here wondering if that's not what drove a wedge. Or, well, at least what allowed me to open my mind up to other possibilities. I really do struggle with this. I mean, I am Christian, and I really don't believe divorce should be an option, with a few rare exceptions. I really do feel like maybe I should try harder to make it work. I think that if I do, I will keep it from him. I just don't want to get his hopes up to crush them. This will mean that I have to watch what I expose myself too.

Every marriage has trouble. I think that if you are ready to leave at the first sign, then that's not fair. That defeats the purpose of marriage to begin with. We had some minor problems, and did fine. But the first major problem...not just being "infertile" but actually having infertility treatments NOT work, well...that's pretty major, especially when it's something we both wanted more than anything.

I say we both wanted it. Really? I know I did. I can't say that I know he did. Maybe I'm fooling myself. Knowing that, financially, the treatments aren't an option now, I can focus on us and what we have, vs what I wish we had.

How does this affect my eggs? (Ha ha...the metaphorical ones, not the anatomical ones) Well...honestly, I think part of me has been listening to how other people's eggs taste. Not just significant others', but even girl friends, or people who write articles for women's magaizines. I mean, if this lady writes about how her heart still skips a beat when her husband walks in the room...then something must be wrong with my marriage if that doesn't happen.

Now that he's working, and I know what I can do to change some things, maybe it will get better. Maybe not. But I think I owe it to myself, my marriage, and God to try.

Moving right along

Well, the blood test was negative. I had my little mini breakdown....the 2 days where, if Wyatt wasn't home, I was in bed. The hardest thing for me in all of this is that I keep applying a label to myself. *Infertile* I just never thought that would be me.

So, we are taking a break. It's a good thing, really. I mean, it hurts, but...it's for the best. (And, be forewarned, if you tell me "oh, now that you're not trying, you'll be pregnant in no time" I may very well strangle you. It's anatomically impossible)

You know, I, of course, have spent many a prayer on this very situation. First it was to get pregnant, then it was for peace in whatever happens, now it's for the next step. (And, yes, there's still that part of me that wants to yell "HELLO God! Can't you hear me? I'm being a good girl and saying my prayers, why won't you answer them?" But, I know that's not the way it works) Anyway, so now that I've been praying for the next step, it seems like every time I turn around there's something about adoption. Now, I'm not saying that's what our next step is, and I'm not quite ready to give up on being pregnant again. But, it's something I'm really looking into and researching. Obviously, I'm very pro adoption, as I have a beautiful adopted niece, and, of course, my hubby was adopted. I just don't know that I"m ready to give up on being pregnant on purpose. I do wish my sister in law and I were closer, so I could talk to her. I wish my mother in law was still alive. I'd love to get their viewpoints on this. (For those who are confused, Randy's dad remarried before I met Randy) Maybe I will send my sister in law an email today.

Anyway, there was something else I was going to write, and now I can't remember what it was.

Lots to do today...gotta clean up around here, make my cooking list for T-Day, do some laundry, look into volunteering at the animal shelter, and get ready for Randy's birthday dinner with my parents tonight. (I even got a baby sitter!!! WAHOO!!!)

Here I sit....

having been up since 3 am. Sam apparently swallowed a sock and it didn't agree with him. Guess who heard him throw it up? Ahhh....the life of a mom.

It's really ok though. Another negative home pregnancy test...I used a lot of the time this morning to think, reflect on this weekend, and pray. I have about 10 hours left to hope that I *might* be pregnant, before the doctor's office calls with the blood work results.

I really have so very much to be thankful for. My family is truly blessed. And I'm not even really sad about the pregnancy thing...I'm more numb about it.

This weekend at the Women of Faith conference, they had several speakers. I had been told it would be a funny and emotional weekend. Friday they were HILARIOUS! These people could be comedians! Saturday...well, Saturday was full of tears. I'm not a crier (Unless I"m on hormone medication) Let me preface this by saying that I know myself, and I know I tend to look on the bright side of things. But I knew that, somewhere inside me, there was this devistated woman desperate for a baby. And I knew it was all going to come out, I just didn't know when. There was a woman there doing one woman skits. She was amazing...you forgot there was only one person on the stage. She did one about going to the doctors office for the first tme and confirming a home pregnancy test. There was more to it, it was mostly about dealing with feelings of pregnancy after an abortion she had in her early 20s. When she had her "ultrasound" the sound of a baby's heartbeat filled the colliseum. That devistated woman inside me? She made herself known. I can honestly say that I don't think I've cried that hard in a very long time, if ever. My body shook with sobs. But even in the midst of those tears, I was so grateful to finally have release, and to have it surrounded by women who would support me, hold me up, pray with me, and just make me feel better. I think if I had that breakdown anywhere else, it would have been devistating.

Now I sit here, and I really still feel so emotionally exhausted. There was a lot more that went on this weekend that affected me, but nothing like that. It was such a wonderful weekend, and I feel like I've really made a great bond with one of the women. Elaine and I were roommates, and her son and Wyatt are friends at school. She and I sat up and talked about a lot of things we wouldn't have otherwise been able to. It was really nice. And I did need to let go of all that negativity. I still have a sliver of hope that maybe I might still be pregnant, but I'm realistic enough to know that I'm probably not.

You know what? I really am ok with that. Sure, it hurts a little, and I question if taking a break after this cycle is really what I want to do, but...God has a plan. I know He does. I wish He would clue me in. I know that all of this is just a step in getting me where I'm meant to be. There are a few things swirling around in my brain about what I may or may not do in the coming months. I'm going to be brave and start a diet the week of Thanksgiving. Isn't there some kind of reward for that? There should be. I'm going to work on repairing the relationships that I've accidently put on the back burner for all this craziness. I need to be me again, not some crazed person, always thinking about what's happening in my body. I'm going to re-evaluate my bucket list, and I hope to have a new one by the New Year.

There are a few ideas in my head that I'm not quite ready to share with anyone yet. I need to sort out how I feel about them first. No worries, I will share them with you all eventually. Maybe. If you're lucky