What are plans for, if not to change?

Well...the original plan was, of course, to stay married. That didn't happen.

So then I figured, if we are going to start over, might as well make it in a place that's southern, great for families, and suburban. I mean, the country and the city all in one...what could be better? So off to a Charlotte suburb I went. I got Wyatt all registered for school, got all the ducks in a row, and we were set to move tomorrow. There was a slight snafu with finding a job, but, confidence in my job skills combined with a large city gave me optimism. The more I looked, the more I saw stuff I just wasn't qualified for, or over qualified for, or had tons of competition for, but I really wasn't overly concerned.

Then I had an urge to go to MD and visit all my girls. I think there was just so much going on that I needed to go to the place where things are pretty consistent. While I was there, I felt like I was "grounded". And I remembered that MD is home. It always has been.

After a lot of thinking, and a lot of advice seeking, I've decided to move home. It seems like a lot of things nudged me in that direction. Looking at the job market, I have no idea how long it will take me to get one. Now, if I had a degree (like nursing) it wouldn't take but a moment. So...I'm going back to school. There is no way I feel that I could work enough to pay for school, plus the bills, and still have time for being a good Momma. So, I'm going to move back to my mothers. I will work part time and go to school full time. For a few years, I will still have summers off with the boy! Wahoo!

For right now, I'm staying in SC. I'm going to stay here until our house sells. I'm going to see what I can do about taking some online courses, so I'm at least being productive. And I'm going to start doing daycare for some income.

I'm a little scared. OK, a lot scared. But I know in my heart it's what's right. It's what's best, especially for the boy. An added bonus, it will be easier for he and Randy to spend time together, since Randy will be in PA. (Of course, that's if it's what Randy wants)

To quote one of my favorite movies: "Home is where your history begins. Home is where they catch you when you fall."

A little of this, a little of that

First...the pool is up! Well, I'm assuming it's still up, and that the cats haven't destroyed it overnight. Rest assured, I took pictures of the whole process! (Sorry, guys, can't help...gotta scrap it)

Randy got lots of laughs at my expense. It's IMPOSSIBLE for me to find a hair style I really like. Well, at least a picture of it. Much less a style and color I like. I mean, I've seen them on people, but I can't very well walk up to someone and ask to take a picture of their hair. Yesterday there was a show on we were watching and one of the people had hair that I LOVE! So, I kept pausing/rewinding the TV to get a good picture of it. I seriously have about 20 pictures of my TV from yesterday. On a side note, how awesome is it that we can pause and rewind live TV? (I say this about a week after we are set to get rid of cable...but that's a whole other post)

Now for the big stuff. Yesterday, I got to talk to a friend that I haven't talked to in forever. It was really nice to catch up, and we cleared the air on some things that I hadn't realized we needed to clear the air on. I'm so glad we did. Plus, it helps to have a friend dealing with some of the same issues.

She also brought something else to light. Now, I know people up in PA typically don't read my blog. And that's fine. So a lot of the people who need to see this won't. But apparently, according to them, I'm to blame for much of what's gone wrong in our relationship. To the point that I'm not sure I'm comfortable going up there anytime soon. I mean, I really don't care what people think, it's what my husband thinks that matters, but still....It hurts that some of my so called friends seemed to have forgotten that there are 2 sides to every story, and that, yes, there are definitely things I could have done much better, but that statement goes across the board. Really, though, all that matters is that Randy and I are working on our marriage. It's stronger than, I think, it ever was. I'm so grateful for that. And honestly, I'm grateful that Randy had people to turn to when he was hurting, just like I did. I'm grateful they had his back, just like my friends had mine. But it still hurts a little.

I'm glad I have this blog. Whether it ever gets read or commented on, I don't care. I can look back and see how much I've changed, how much I've grown. Someone made the comment that maybe my infertility was for the best because of our marriage issues. Well, first, that hurt deeply. It's like saying I deserve to be infertile. No one deserves this. When you have the means to physically, financially, emotionally spiritually care for a child, then no, infertility is not "for the best".

When I look back at my blog, I can see that the two times we've had major issues were centered around infertility. The issues themselves weren't, but I think I wasn't in the best mindset to deal with them. The first time was when we had the diagnosis of infertility. That's really hard for a woman to deal with. My body is failing to do what it was created to do. No matter the reason, it won't do it. That's a crushing blow to my womanhood. Randy and I want a big family, and because of ME we may not have that. I know he says he's ok with that, but still....I think a part of me worried that he would feel like he was missing out. The second time our marriage crumbled was when the 2 IUIs didn't work. I mean, if infertility treatment isn't even going to work, nothing will. At least that's what I remember thinking. I think the fact that I was so willing to give up on my marriage had a lot to do with some depression on my part. And, thanks to this blog, I'm able to see that.

Don't get me wrong, Randy and I still have our issues that we need to work on. But we ARE working on them. Everyone has issues. I can honestly say that our marriage is stronger right now than it ever has been. No matter what has gotten us to this point, I'm thankful that we're here.

My sorta bucket list

A bucket list is things to do before you die. I'm going to do a mini-bucket list. 20 things to do before I turn 35

~Change the decor in this house
~Rent a cabin in the mountains for a week
~Lose about 75 pounds
~Make Wyatt a big brother
~Find a "cause"...a place to volunteer my time...something really close to my heart
~Start working on my "secret" goal
~Make a better effort for meal planning
~Eat at the table as a family 5 nights out of the week
~"Unplug" weekly
~Develop a better relationship with God/Make church a priority
~Have a place for everything in this house!
~Have a flower garden and a vegetable garden
~Start composting
~Have some egg hens
~Finish the Love Dare
~Learn how to make my own lattes
~Make monthly date night a priority
~Get caught up with scrapbooking
~Reduce eating out to a once a month thing (or less!)
~Write a letter on paper once a week, to someone, anyone....(Penpal, family, etc)

Grumble mumbe urgh (In other words, good morning)

yawn streeeeeetch

Mornin' y'all. Goodness I am feeling it this morning. Of course that might have something to do with the fact that I was tossing and turning until Midnite (And yes, I know the time, because, um, there was a movie on my TV bedroom...I KNOW I KNOW) Then Wyatt came in my room at 2am. Of course, he didn't come in, lay down and go to sleep. Nooooo. He came in, cuddled his freezing piggies against my leg, and when I tried to scratch his back, he said it felt like snakes, like in his nightmare. Now, before y'all get all gooey and say "Oh, poor baby (Meaning Wyatt, not me)", let me just tell you this...My child knows how to manipulate people. He knew he was waking me up. He knows I'm a bear when such happens. He was pulling at my heartstrings! Not like he woke up screaming. But I cuddled him until he fell asleep. Then I laid awake. For. A. Long. Time.

On a totally different note....We went to my dad's for dinner last night. After dinner, my Dad and Wyatt played hide and seek in the house. Yeah yeah, fun fun....But then my dad hid with this really scary bear hat on. Wyatt knew he had the hat on, but was still scared. He was laughing though. (Oh my Bob, this is turning into a "Let's all get a good laugh out of my son's fears" post. Rest assured, Wyatt was laughing more than anyone else! Then Wyatt made me help him find the scary bear, who jumped out of a closet and scared us all. The way Wyatt's face lit up was priceless. After we said prayers last night, when I asked Wyatt what the best part of the day was, he said "Catching the bear at Granddaddy's. That was so fun, Mom! My family's the best".

Indeed, son. Indeed.

4 shifts left....SO tired

We have a pretty big dirt track in our area. I work it often on the ambulance. Last night, I was informed that Casey Kane wanted to buy it. I didn't realize it was such a huge deal. I guess he even races there sometimes. It's one of the 3 biggest in the country. Hmmm....who knew? They are doing a kids night coming up, and I think I'm going to take Wyatt. He will LOVE it. That kid will be in heaven. But, anyway, I worked last night, and I go back in tonight. After that...only 3 more shifts. I'm so relieved. But, kinda sad, too. I feel like a lot of my identity is being an EMT. However, I feel like I miss out on SO MUCH because I work shift work. Yes, it has it's good points, but then there are days like today. I was so tired that I made the choice to miss church. I hate that, but last time I felt like this and worked, I fell asleep during the sermon. And, since I have to work tonight, then get up at 4 am, I needed to get my sleep when I could.

I finally got rid of the ringworm in the kittens....only to discover that Wyatt has it too. *sigh* At least I already have the meds on hand. I really didn't think that's what it was because it didn't itch. But, alas, that's what it is. So we all have to be a little more careful than usual about washing our hands. He can still play with his friends and go to camp, but....it's just another thing

So, after hearing many many opinions, which I weighed carefully, I made the decision to homeschool Wyatt. It's so hard because Randy doesn't tell me what he thinks. He never does, because he's afraid it's going to be different than what I want. But, I digress.... He is on the waiting list for the private school, so I'm going to look at this as time given to me to get our feet wet, and really see if homeschool will work for us. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But it also gives me time to look into co-ops and homeschool groups in the area. Hopefully I find something. And, if for whatever reason it doens't work, I will wait until Wyatt gets a spot in the private school. I really think God will lead me to the right decision for our family.

So much to say.....Hmmm.....

I have no clue what to blog about today, but I promised myself I would try to blog every day. It's really very relaxing for me. This morning I woke up early on purpose so I could have my coffee and my blog. There's tons on my mind, but nothing I want to put "out there" just yet. And no, *sniffle* not pregnant yet.

There, I will talk about that. Why is it that it was SO easy to get pregnant before, but now? It seems to be escaping me. I never in a million years thought that, when I was ready to try, it would take some time. Have I blogged about this before? Possibly, I don't know. I can't remember yesterday, much less what I blogged about before.

Homesteading....something I so want to do. I have NO clue how to do it, but I want to anyway. I am learning from a great group of girls. Somehow I do think I blogged about this yesterday. I need more coffee.

AHA! You blog readers don't know that I'm watching my neice and nephew today do you? See, there ya go. Something new. Yes, I will have the cutie pies today. I love being surrounded by kiddos. It just makes me so happy. Today will be very busy...I have to drop some consignment stuff off, Wyatt's soccer game is at noon, take all the kiddos (even Wyatt) to my brothers, come home and clean for the open house tomorrow, then tonight I am going to see Jeff Dunham! Yay! I am super excited about that.

OH OH OH! I didn't tell you people this either....I am SO proud of Wyatt. Part of his homeschooling curriculum is to learn a bible verse every week. At first, I was very skeptical. Well, this week, he has memorized Proverbs 4:20 "Pay attention, my child, to what I say. Listen carefully" Now, let's just hope he follows it! But I am SO proud of him! I added hand motions to it, and it took him 2 days! We started school late this year, so it's only been one week, but I think this week has shown me that I CAN do it. I hardly expect results overnight, but in a weeks time I can see progress! I am so excited! He's learned his days of the week (although sometimes he forgets Thursday....little booger wants to jumy right to Friday), the bible verse, and what a dictionary is. I really feel like we are off to a good start. I can do this!

Pure contentment

First of all, let me say....
Happy Birthday, Sean!!!
OK, now that that's been handled :)
As I'm sitting here typing this, I'm getting a preview of every Tuesday and Thursday for the next 2 months. It's 9:00pm, and sprawled out on my living room floor with blankets and pillows are my 4 year old, my 3 year old niece,and 1 year old nephew. Lights are out, Disney movie is on. Life is good. (Mind you, 20 minutes ago, 1 was in time out, 1 was complaining about having to get ready for bed...it's not always this good, but let me document it while it is) Normally this time of night, we'd be fighting with Wyatt about staying in his bed. But now, with 3 kiddos here, we're "forced" to spend some quiet time together. It's nice. Granted, Randy and I aren't into the movie, we're each on our laptops, but hey...we are spending time together as a family, and, I can only hope, getting a glimpse of our future. Right now it's not about what needs to be done tomorrow, who needs to go to the store, what needs to be done before the Open House, the dogs, the chores, but just...relaxing, with family. And really, what can be more important than that?

I think, and I'm saying it here and now for the blogging world (so hold me to it you annonymous readers!) that I'm going to declare a weekly "unplugged" day. One day, every week, we are going to unplug. No computers, no TV, just...us. Think we can do it? We shall see. We've already decided that once we move we won't be hooking up sattelite/cable in the living room at the new house. Yes, there will be a TV, but with a limit of 1 movie a day. We will still have satellite/DVR in our bedroom, for those few shows we just HAVE to watch. The primary show for both of us is 18 Kids And Counting. I have to say, Michelle Duggar is a wonderful inspiration. She keeps herself calm, I have NEVER seen her yell, she has tremendous faith, and those kids are the most well behaved children I've seen. Granted, we dont' know how they behave when the cameras stop rolling, but I don't think that's an act.

Anyway, I digress. Family really is the most important thing. I think we all need to take some time to sit back and remember that. Noone knows what tomorrow will bring, and don't we all want to be able to say that those we love won't ever have to question how we feel?

Speaking of which....(and this is NOT directed at my husband, for the record) Husbands, don't just tell your wives you love them. You have to show them. Make them feel pretty. Because they desesrve it. And your children desesrve to know what love is. Being a good parent is more than providing tangible things. It's also teaching your children what love and happiness is. And the best way to teach a child is to show them. Whatever it takes, show your child true love and happiness. Sometimes being a good parent means giving up the things other people see as sources of security in order to find that happiness. We are examples for our children, and we need to behave as such.
*Disclaimer...I am not advocating living in a cardboard box to "find yourself"....I am just saying to follow your heart. Everything else will fall into place