How much do I want to do with this?

It's a funny thing. On the one hand, I don't care what people think about how I feel or what I think. I know me, and if I'm going to blog, I'm going to put it all out there. I don't like to filter or censor my feelings. I have nothing to hide. But at the same time there are, unfortunately, some people in my life who I know will twist words and use them against me some how. Past behavior has shown that. It took a long time for me to have trust for people in general...and that included my best friends. It was pretty bad. But at the same time, now, I just don't care. If nothing else, I know who my true friends are, and I know how valuable they are. That is a gift~learning not to take people for granted. The person/people who, let's just say, put my guard up, may or may not read my blog. If they do, that's fine, I just don't want anything said here to be used against me somehow. I don't care what people think to an extent, but I deserve to be happy.

Anyway, all of this is to say that I don't know how...published I want this to be. The initial purpose for my blog was to keep family/friends updated all in one fell swoop. Then the blogging community became a support system with the infertility. Now, well....I'm really not sure why I have it anymore, unless it's to just journal for myself. I enjoy writing, and I actually have made some friends through this crazy thing. There are so many websites you can use to promote your blog, and I don't know how involved I want to get with all of that.

All that to say, I will keep the blog, I just don't know what I'm going to do with it

Maybe it's time....

This is a really hard post to write.

My step-mom called today. She's having a yard sale next weekend, and she wanted to know if I wanted her to sell all of the baby stuff that is still in SC. I told her yes, I mean, I clearly have no plans for any of it in the near future.

I hung up the phone, poured a glass of wine, and burst into tears. Logically, I know that selling those things doesn't mean that I'm giving up the idea of ever having another baby. But it does feel like I'm slamming a door on my dream of a big family.Here I am, 32 (ancient in trying to conceive years), single, and "infertile". Not that selling that stuff changes any of that, but it's so...tangible. Right now, I feel hopeless, and mad and full of "it's not fair". Here I am, finally comfortable and sure that I"m a good mom, and....well, I'm not going to have a big family.

I feel like this is forcing me to accept the infertility. I'm acknowledging that another successful pregnancy isn't probable. I think acceptance is overrated. I don't want to accept that another baby isn't going to happen.

I can say that getting rid of those things doesn't mean anything, but it does. It means that I'm moving on to the next chapter of my life. I'm accepting that things aren't what I wanted them to be.

Yes, I am so very very grateful for what I have. Every day my son says or does something that just amazes me and makes me realize how very blessed I am.

But I can't make him a big brother. And that sucks.

One of these days....

I will actually keep up with this thing. For now though...

Just to catch everyone up (for those who actually read this)...Wyatt and I have moved back to MD. We are living at my mom's for now. I'm honestly not sure how that's going to go. The original plan was to live here so I could go back to school, but I forgot how much better Mom and I get along when we aren't in the same house.

Mocha, my sweet German Shepherd, the best dog EVER died this week. It's still a little hard to deal with.

Wyatt has started first grade. I'm not sure how I feel about his school. His homework is still along the lines of counting to 20. He's a little beyond that.

We went to the county fair yesterday. He had SO MUCH fun. His favorite part? Hanging out with the firefighters. I swear, this kid....

I will update more, and I really could go into so much more detail about all this, but it's early, and I don't even really want to be awake right now.

Road trips=bad

OK, so putting me in a car by myself for 7 hours is really never a good thing. It gives me time to think.

So this week has been a rough one for my friends. And I felt like I needed to be in MD, and I couldn't be. People I love were going through hard stuff, and I needed to be able to help. Then there was the earthquake. Now, the hurricane. (And said hurricane didn't hit SC, but is headed right for MD) I'm choosing to believe that the earthquake didn't happen because I was in MD. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

But anyway, all that to say...I'm moving back to MD sooner than expected. It just makes more sense. Why struggle to pay bills when I can live rent free at my moms? Yes, I have some issues (ok, one major issue) I need to take care of, but time to grow up and take care of it, right? Anyway, this way I can get everything in order to start school in the Spring. And I'm thinking about joining the Charles Co Medic Unit.

I don't even need to worry about bringing all my stuff....it's not like the house will sell tomorrow, so I can leave it in SC rather than store in at a storage place.

I'm super excited to get Wyatt signed up for ice skating lessons. Next up? Ice Hockey. Somewhere in all of this I need to find out how to sign up for Aflac.

I'm in MD now, so I can take my best friend and her son to Children's Hospital for a pre-op appointment Monday. I came up early because I didn't know what the roads were going to be like post-Irene. Which means that I will be here for Irene. I'm not too worried. I have a feeling it will be just like a bad storm. I hope so anyway. It's windy now, but logically I know that's probably not Irene.

I'm excited about the changes. I'm anxious about living at my mom's again, but I have faith it will all work out.

Being the bad guy

We are all different, right? I mean, each of us does things in his or her own way, whatever works.

As a parent, not only do you have to figure out what works for you, but you have to figure out what impacts your child. And it's hard. I mean, what happens if you screw up? Go down to your county's detention center if you're not sure. No pressure!

I really struggle with this. Of course, discipline is never black and white.

For 3 years, I chose how to discipline Wyatt. I decided on my own what to do, and I figured out on my own what worked and what didn't. Great! Wonderful! If I screwed up, guess whose fault it was?

Then, I got married, and Wyatt got a dad. A very gentle, never yelling, dad. That's ok, I made up for it. Then I learned that I didn't want to be the mom who always yells. So I stopped yelling.

Now....wow. Now I have a mess on my hands. So I'm having to backpedal. Wait, what do you mean that's not an option in parenting? But I need another chance to not screw him up!

Tonight is a prime example. Wyatt was given tons of notice for bedtime. Bedtime comes, and he stomps, slams doors and DEMANDS to play. I waited to see what happened....And nothing was done. So, like always, I had to do it. I went in Wyatt's room to talk to him, and got attitude. MAJOR attitude. I am so sick of always being the one to yell, the one to take privileges, the one to discipline. I want to be the fun mom. I want to enjoy him. I want him to enjoy me. I want him to know that we can be friends, too. And yes, I happen to believe parents can be friends with their kids. This is not here for debate!

So now I'm the bad guy. He went to bed refusing to say he loved me (and that's something I will never force) and Randy is the greatest guy ever. It sucks!

I get that Wyatt is having changes thrown at him from every direction. And I'm sure his little 6 year old head is spinning. And I'm sure that accounts for part of this lashing out. But that doesn't make it ok! That doesn't excuse the destruction he seems to want to cause lately.

I know I have to get used to being a single parent, and part of that will mean being the sole disciplinarian. Been there done that. I feel like I never even stopped.

I keep telling myself that if I don't put my foot down now, it's just going to get harder. I get that I need to be his parent before I can be his friend, but I don't see anything wrong with being both.

I just want to not ALWAYS be the bad guy. Unfortunately, that just isn't an option.

Keep breathing....

Stupid things. We all say 'em. I'd like to think that, most of the time, they are done out of...well, stupidity, and not because we mean harm. Sometimes, though, there are people who are so totally thoughtless that they must completely rip the filter separating their brains from their mouths and throw said filter in the trash. I'd like to kick those people in the shin. While I'm wearing steel toed boots. (And I happen to have a pair)

Anyway...that's not what this was supposed to be about. Stuff happens. We know this. Anyone who has ever seen a bumper sticker knows it. Bad things happen to good people, blah blah. What makes it so hard is to know that there is a God out there. Yes, believing generally softens the blow, but sometimes....it doesn't. And even believing in God and knowing He has a plan doesn't negate the fact that sometimes, life just isn't fair.

So what do you do? What do you do when you feel like your world is falling down? Or when you are watching someone else's life crumble? What do you say? Words simply can't always make things better. What's left? Do you make empty promises? Do you quote scripture? Sorry, but when I'm angry at God, the last thing I want to do is listen to Him.

The only thing I really have to compare any of this to is my struggle with infertility. I know it's not the same, nor is my infertility struggle the same as the girl sitting next to me at the doctor's office. Similar, maybe, but not the same. Similar enough that I know (now) that words meant to heal only hurt. Things I use to find comfort may only make it worse for someone else.

There is one thing all of us can do. Every single one of us who is experiencing any kind of fear or loss or hurt has one thing left.....

Hope.

No one....not one of us, knows what will happen tomorrow. I do know this~ Miracles happen. People beat the odds, and accomplish what they were told would never happen.

So don't give up.

Hope.

"When you say a person or a situation is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God"

What are plans for, if not to change?

Well...the original plan was, of course, to stay married. That didn't happen.

So then I figured, if we are going to start over, might as well make it in a place that's southern, great for families, and suburban. I mean, the country and the city all in one...what could be better? So off to a Charlotte suburb I went. I got Wyatt all registered for school, got all the ducks in a row, and we were set to move tomorrow. There was a slight snafu with finding a job, but, confidence in my job skills combined with a large city gave me optimism. The more I looked, the more I saw stuff I just wasn't qualified for, or over qualified for, or had tons of competition for, but I really wasn't overly concerned.

Then I had an urge to go to MD and visit all my girls. I think there was just so much going on that I needed to go to the place where things are pretty consistent. While I was there, I felt like I was "grounded". And I remembered that MD is home. It always has been.

After a lot of thinking, and a lot of advice seeking, I've decided to move home. It seems like a lot of things nudged me in that direction. Looking at the job market, I have no idea how long it will take me to get one. Now, if I had a degree (like nursing) it wouldn't take but a moment. So...I'm going back to school. There is no way I feel that I could work enough to pay for school, plus the bills, and still have time for being a good Momma. So, I'm going to move back to my mothers. I will work part time and go to school full time. For a few years, I will still have summers off with the boy! Wahoo!

For right now, I'm staying in SC. I'm going to stay here until our house sells. I'm going to see what I can do about taking some online courses, so I'm at least being productive. And I'm going to start doing daycare for some income.

I'm a little scared. OK, a lot scared. But I know in my heart it's what's right. It's what's best, especially for the boy. An added bonus, it will be easier for he and Randy to spend time together, since Randy will be in PA. (Of course, that's if it's what Randy wants)

To quote one of my favorite movies: "Home is where your history begins. Home is where they catch you when you fall."