I can do it!!!

What can I do you ask?
Well.... Whatever I want.
OK, so quick update... Homeschooling actually went fairly well. It could have been a whole lot better. I'm not ruling it out in the future, but it's not for us right now. There are just too many other things I'm trying to juggle. I'm back in school (again). I guess I'm going for nursing. I'm not really sure, to be honest. I think I'd be good at it, and I think I'd enjoy it. I'm just discouraged by how long it will take. The program itself will take 2 years, but I have SO MUCH biology to catch up on before I can get there.
Also, I'm on a quest. I want to be healthier. I need to be healthier. I've gone back and forth about how to do it. I think I've got a good routine going now. In fact, part of the reason I'm blogging again is so I can keep up with my progress, maybe (hopefully) encourage someone else, and be my own cheerleader. So, yeah, there are going to be posts about that. But no before poictures. At least not until I have some awesome after pics to share :)
I'm gonna TRY to post every day. But, between the job hunt, school,being a mom, and keeping up with this house, I make no promises. (And really, we should know this by now)

'Sup

Hi. It's me again. I have little eyes looking over my shoulder reading as I type and giggling because I'm typing about him.
New stuff... Where to start?
I got hurt at work. As a result, I was unable to retest for my certification, so I am not longer certified and no longer employed. We are doing ok for now. I have a few money making things in the works.
But, for now, and hopefully the future, I'm staying home. Which means we are doing the homeschool thing. Starting after Christmas Break, Wyatt will be dealing with me. (Insert horror movie soundtrack music here.)
I have lots to type. Ellie has been in the hospital twice since my last update. (4 days the first time, 6 the next). Apparently her early entrance into the world gave her a less than stellar immune system.

What a difference a few months makes...

So the last time I posted I was planning a scheduled delivery.

Wow.

Ellie is 9 months old now, toddling around. My delivery was anything but scheduled. I went into spontaneous labor 3 weeks early, and after making little progress (thanks to my not so amazing cervix) I had a C-section. During the section they discovered my uterus had ruptured. Surprise! So it's a blessing that I didn't deliver vaginally.

I'm still single, but dating. That's an adventure I'd rather not be on. I mean, I just want to be settled. I don't like the excitement of going out. I want to curl up on the couch with someone. I want to know there's stability and I want to feel loved. I want to love someone else.

The kids are awesome. Ellie is toddling around. She's getting into everything. She's very aware of what NO means. Wyatt stayed on the A Honor Roll all year last year. I thought about homeschooling (again) but I just don't have the time for it. So he will go to private school. His teacher told me she didn't have any way to challenge him last year. Not what I wanted to hear!

I'm working full time as an EMT. I love my job. I love what I do. 

So that's the bare bones of it. I will try to update more frequently. (I know, we've all heard that before) I have some crafty stuff I want to do, and I may post about that. (I have a girl. I can make BOWS)

The all important hospital bag

I've seen so many blogs about what people are packing in their hospital bags (How did we survive before Pinterest?) I felt I just had to contribute my own.

Now, keep in mind that I will have a scheduled induction so they can make sure I have all my clotting medications before labor, and will probably stay an extra day because of the bleeding disorder.

I won't be packing an outfit for me to go home in, I'm just gonna wear the same thing I came in. (The joys of scheduled deliveries) I'm planning to wear a tshirt and exercise capris. Sooo super comfy.

• Coming home outfit for Ellie (one in Preemie, one in Newborn. I have small babies)
• Blanket that Wyatt picked out for Ellie
• sports bras for me (hopefully I can find nursing ones before then)
• Baby's First Year journal so I can document emotional stuff while it's fresh (I love it, it has writing prompts so when my brain is mush from lack of sleep...)
• Gift from Ellie to Wyatt
• Picture of Wyatt
• notepad and pen for any questions I may have
• Uno (Wyatt's favorite card game. When he visits, I want to try to make a few minutes just for him)
• Toiletries in travel sized bottles
• lotion
• camera
• a pair of underwear to come home in (I am so using the disposable ones in the hospital.)
• flip flops, so when I get out of bed I can slide them on. Might bring 2 pairs, one just for the shower
• Hairbrush, headband, ponytail holder
• drink packets...I hate plain water
• iPod and speakers
• Phone charger
• tablet and charger
• my own pillow (with a dark case so it stands out)

So there it is. The all important hospital bag list. I might add to it, but I think that covers everything. 

So much...where to begin?

I still struggle with how honest I want to be in my blog. Well, let me rephrase that. What I post is always honest. I guess I mean that I struggle with how much to share. I have no shame, and really don't see the sense in hiding anything, but at the same time I don't want my personal fears to get all twisted, or made to be something other people can laugh over. Just a random thought before my real post.

So, tonight begins a new adventure for me. Our church is starting a new (for us) program on Wednesday nights. We're changing to Journey Kids. I've been asked to be one of three group leaders for the 4th grade girls' class. I'm a little nervous. I don't know that I'm the right person to lead ANYONE spiritually. But after a lot of prayer, I do feel that it's the place I should be right now. I'm definitely nervous about it, but so happy that the Children's Ministry leader at my church felt it was something I can do. There are a lot of guidelines to follow, so that's helpful. I'm still crazy nervous though!

There's been a lot going on with Wyatt lately. He's not adjusting to all the changes nearly as well as I had originally thought. Last night some things came to light, and I'm not proud of how I had been handling things prior to that. Needless to say, some of the things he told me have me wanting to be a much better mom. I'm going to his school today to speak with his guidance counselor. I didn't realize how stressed the poor kiddo was. I can't change how anything's happened leading up to now, I can only change how they are from here out. And believe me, I'm changing them! I definitely need to make him a bigger priority. I mean, he's ALWAYS my biggest priority, but lately I haven't really shown it. I've been so tired and cranky, and it's really affected him. So now we have a family rule that for a minimum of half hour on weekdays we are doing something together that doesn't involve technology. Playing catch, board games, reading, whatever. Sounds so simple, right? Well, oddly enough, that hasn't so much happened. We are also going to be eating dinner at the table together EVERY night. And we're going back to "unplugging" on Sundays. No technology, just family. I think I've let him forget how important he really is to me. After a little scare we had last night, I can't let that happen again. And I won't. I'm just glad everything came to light before it got too late. If I can take anything away from this, it's not to take your kids for granted. Just because they seem to be dealing with things well, doesn't always mean they are. Not my proudest Mommy moment, but there it is.

Yeah yeah

It's been a while. Life happens, ya know?
So, here I am now, posting again. I really do go back and forth about whether I ever want to post because there are people who I know use some of the things in my writings against me, or as fodder for gossip, so I really find myself not being as open as I'd like. And if I'm not being open, what's the point of this stupid thing to begin with? I don't want to make my blog invite only, because, well, I'm awesome, and I want people to find me. Honestly, after all the infertility mess, I know how nice it was to find a kindred spirit in the World Wide Web. It's my hope that somehow some of the stuff I wrote about will help someone else through their stuff.
Anyway, clearly I've decided to start posting again. Know what? I'm me. If you don't like it, or you wanna use it against me, then that's on you. I will forewarn you...my blog is going to be taking on a whole new spin in the realm of single parenting because (drum roll please)
I'm pregnant. 31 weeks today. Yup. Go figure. And, I'm still single. I can pick 'em, right? The situation sucks, but I firmly, absolutely, wholeheartedly believe that EVERY baby is a blessing. And after all the aforementioned infertility crap, I'm completely over the moon. Scared a little, sure, but I can do this single mom thing. Been there, done that. I certainly didn't plan for this to happen, but I'm not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. This has not been an easy pregnancy, and some days I have had to fight to keep this little girl in there, but she's still there, so...so far, so good.
I'd love to say that I'm keeping my blog as a way for people to find crafty stuff, or awesome recipes, but honestly, right now my life doesn't feel together enough to really be an inspiration to anyone. I'm focusing on being a mom, and the best mom I know how. I'm going to try to post every day, and some days may be recipes, or crafty goodness, but in less than 2 months I'm going to be lucky if I remember where I put the baby, so....
Anyway, to those who I consider *real* friends, I've missed you. I've missed following your blogs, and I've missed feeling like I'm sharing with you. So welcome (back) to the jungle.

I've had weekly ultrasounds. This is Ellie at 24 weeks, smiling....with her hand in front of her face. (All those ultrasounds, and in ALL of them, her hand was in front of her face.)

Here she is at 26 weeks, sucking on her fingers.

Putting it in perspective

So here's my big New Year's resolution.....

Don't sweat the small stuff. I mean, really, we all get so worked up and focused on drama that we tend to forget about the good stuff.

This week, I felt like I was dealt one blow after another. Due to...let's call it an unexpected expense...I have to break my lease and move into a friend's "cozy" apartment with her family. I was stressed to the max about moving, uprooting Wyatt for what is going to be a temporary thing (meaning he will get uprooted again), being another 1/2 hour away from work, hoping the roommate stuff wont' mess up our friendship....Then, I realized... I have an amazing friend who is more than happy to share what she has with Wyatt and me. And she offered without even batting an eye. What an incredible gift that is. We don't need "stuff". There really is very little we need. This biggest thing is, of course, shelter and nourishment. Just behind that is love. Wyatt and I have an abundance of love, both for each other and for (and from!) friends. You truly don't know what kind of friends you have until they step up. This last year has certainly shown me that. (Heck, really, the last 6months) I'm certainly convinced that DNA means very little, it's the people who stand beside you that make up your family.

Today I picked Wyatt up from a sleepover. He stayed up way late, then was up throwing up (pretty sure it was reflux) and woke up early. Yay! The recipe for a cranky kid. He took a 2 hour nap right up until 5, and was then very whiny, felt warm to me (but I was cold) and continued to lay around and not want to eat. Great. He's gotta be getting sick, right? Yet another thing I have to figure out how to balance. Did I mention he was cranky? Oh. My. Bob. I was ready to lay down next to him and stomp my feet about how much life stinks.

Then, I remembered...an old friend had to do the hardest thing imaginable today. She buried her newborn daughter. The daughter she felt moving inside her 2 hours before her C-section. I looked at my healthy (in the grand scheme of things), smart, funny and mostly happy little boy today and remembered that I have a major blessing. I'm sure my friend would have gladly traded places with me.

What amazing reminders to keep things in perspective. There is always someone who wants to trade places with you.

You never know what may happen next year, tomorrow, or in the next 2 hours. You can't go crazy worrying about it, but you can make every moment count.

Oh me oh my

This is definitely one of those days where I cannot wait to get back to SC. It's cold outside (17 degrees) and, well, I DON'T LIKE COLD!!

The best part about having to go to work on a day like this, though, is my crock pot. Seriously. I love walking in the door at the end of a long day and voila! Dinner is ready.

Crock pots are a necessity in any working mother's kitchen. Without it, I'd come home, have to cook something healthy (in theory). Now, in reality, we'd be eating out. A lot. I have, at the moment, 2 crock pots. I'd have more, but, well, 2 broke in the move.

I've used mine to take soups and stuff to work, to make yummy dinners at home. They are just the greatest. Mmmm. Plus, there's only one dish to clean!

Anyway, today I'm gonna make Brown Sugar Chicken. When you see the ingredients, you will probably think I'm nuts. But it is SO GOOD. I serve it over noodles. I always make enough for leftovers. Mmm mmm mmm

OK, so I didn't intend for today's blog to be an ode to my slow cooker. I really do love it though. It's got me thinking maybe once a week I will post something about kitchen type stuff.

Christmas Happenings

Well, here I sit on another day-after-Christmas.

It's been a crazy busy week. Wyatt got to ride the fire truck with Santa and pass out candy canes to people. He LOVED it, but shockingly, he asked if we could stop at McDonalds while we were out. (Bad Mom, I let him have fast food. Oh, for shame!) I choose to think I'm not a bad mom, I'm a realistic mom :)

Then 2 days later he went to see the lights at the National Zoo. It was SO cold, but he had so much fun. Riding the "Mentro" was an adventure for him.

Walking around the zoo there weren't many animals out, but there were a lot inside the buildings. We got hot chocolate and cider to stay warm. There was also an "iceless skating rink" and a train ride, but we didn't participate in that. We just looked at the lights and whatever animals there were.

Of course, yesterday was Christmas. On Christmas Eve we went to Jen's. She gave me a photo charm to add to my Mom necklace. I swear, that girl tries to find ways to make me cry!

I will post more about Christmas itself later :)

I did spot an ex at the zoo....

Can you see me now?

Well, I took the boy to the eye doctor Monday night. His right eye is great! He has 20/20 vision. His left eye not so much. That one is at 20/200. My heart sank when he was reading the letters on the wall, and he couldn't read more than the 2nd line. I was sitting there thinking it had to be a joke. I mean, those letters are HUGE. But, no, he's legally blind in that eye. The eye dr then did that whole "better one, better two" thing. At best, with glasses, the boy's vision will get to 20/60. So, he's excited to be getting glasses. One side will basically be glass, the other lens will have a strong prescription. The dr tried to convince me he's a good candidate for contacts because of that, and I said "He's 6! No way!"

The boy will also have to wear an eye patch over his good eye for 2 hours a day once the glasses do come in. (Arrrr Mateys!) He can't do it now, because then he wouldn't be able to see at all. The hope is that it will force his bad eye to work.

It may improve over time. It may not.

Having such poor vision in one eye does mean that his depth perception is off. That can explain why it's been so difficult to get him to write neatly and observe spaces when writing.

One of my best friends kept asking if I was ok with everything. I just kept thinking "Of course! Lots of kids need glasses" But last night I couldn't sleep, so I tried remembering what the term the doctor used was. I wanted information. I couldn't find it, but what I did find out is that if the sight in the other eye never gets better with correction, he won't be able to get a CDL. No big deal. Unless your child has only ever wanted to be a firefighter. Even now typing that I get a little teary.

But...I'm going to look at it this way. Who knows where technology will be in 10 years? I don't think 15 years ago anyone saw Lasix as a possibility. 10 years from now? Just imagine the possibilities. And my kid is AMAZING. I bet he does get better with corrective lenses.

And if not? He's still awesome, and he's still my son, and he can still have or do anything. This is just a minor thing, and so many have it so much worse. He will NEVER know that he's missing out on anything...because he won't be.

For anyone who is wondering why I drink coffee....

This is what the boy said in a matter of 2 seconds:

"Mom, I'm not wearing underwear! I need a pair. Hey, that rhymes. Did you know pear is actually a fruit? Hail to the Ravens!"

I love the boy. If for no other reason, than for the comic relief.

Randomness

OK, so I really waffled with whether or not to continue blogging. I really don't like being the topic of conversations when I'm not present. But, whatever. People will talk if they want to talk. I can't really stop them

So I have today off, but I have to spend it running around like crazy. I have a test this morning, then Wyatt has to get an immunization (Which I'm really NOT crazy about, especially since we are hard core into his airway issues right now), then he has to get a cavity filled. I know a little boy who will be getting lots of TLC tonight!

So Elvin the Elf left Wyatt a mini Krakle bar (Although with this visit to the dentist, he may have to find something else to leave). Wyatt then decided to hide it from Elvin. Pretty cute. I love my kid.

Sometimes, I look at him, and I can literally feel myself fill with love. There is just no comparison.

The elf is back!

Every year one of Santa's elves causes mischief in our house. Last year, he spilled sugar, set up the dining room table and chairs on the front lawn...I never know what we will wake up to find. He starts once we put up the tree, and doesn't stop until we take it down. Well, Santa must have lectured him, because last night he brought gifts instead of trouble. But I think he brought Rudolph to do his dirty work...when Wyatt woke up, his nose had been painted red!

How much do I want to do with this?

It's a funny thing. On the one hand, I don't care what people think about how I feel or what I think. I know me, and if I'm going to blog, I'm going to put it all out there. I don't like to filter or censor my feelings. I have nothing to hide. But at the same time there are, unfortunately, some people in my life who I know will twist words and use them against me some how. Past behavior has shown that. It took a long time for me to have trust for people in general...and that included my best friends. It was pretty bad. But at the same time, now, I just don't care. If nothing else, I know who my true friends are, and I know how valuable they are. That is a gift~learning not to take people for granted. The person/people who, let's just say, put my guard up, may or may not read my blog. If they do, that's fine, I just don't want anything said here to be used against me somehow. I don't care what people think to an extent, but I deserve to be happy.

Anyway, all of this is to say that I don't know how...published I want this to be. The initial purpose for my blog was to keep family/friends updated all in one fell swoop. Then the blogging community became a support system with the infertility. Now, well....I'm really not sure why I have it anymore, unless it's to just journal for myself. I enjoy writing, and I actually have made some friends through this crazy thing. There are so many websites you can use to promote your blog, and I don't know how involved I want to get with all of that.

All that to say, I will keep the blog, I just don't know what I'm going to do with it

Maybe it's time....

This is a really hard post to write.

My step-mom called today. She's having a yard sale next weekend, and she wanted to know if I wanted her to sell all of the baby stuff that is still in SC. I told her yes, I mean, I clearly have no plans for any of it in the near future.

I hung up the phone, poured a glass of wine, and burst into tears. Logically, I know that selling those things doesn't mean that I'm giving up the idea of ever having another baby. But it does feel like I'm slamming a door on my dream of a big family.Here I am, 32 (ancient in trying to conceive years), single, and "infertile". Not that selling that stuff changes any of that, but it's so...tangible. Right now, I feel hopeless, and mad and full of "it's not fair". Here I am, finally comfortable and sure that I"m a good mom, and....well, I'm not going to have a big family.

I feel like this is forcing me to accept the infertility. I'm acknowledging that another successful pregnancy isn't probable. I think acceptance is overrated. I don't want to accept that another baby isn't going to happen.

I can say that getting rid of those things doesn't mean anything, but it does. It means that I'm moving on to the next chapter of my life. I'm accepting that things aren't what I wanted them to be.

Yes, I am so very very grateful for what I have. Every day my son says or does something that just amazes me and makes me realize how very blessed I am.

But I can't make him a big brother. And that sucks.

One of these days....

I will actually keep up with this thing. For now though...

Just to catch everyone up (for those who actually read this)...Wyatt and I have moved back to MD. We are living at my mom's for now. I'm honestly not sure how that's going to go. The original plan was to live here so I could go back to school, but I forgot how much better Mom and I get along when we aren't in the same house.

Mocha, my sweet German Shepherd, the best dog EVER died this week. It's still a little hard to deal with.

Wyatt has started first grade. I'm not sure how I feel about his school. His homework is still along the lines of counting to 20. He's a little beyond that.

We went to the county fair yesterday. He had SO MUCH fun. His favorite part? Hanging out with the firefighters. I swear, this kid....

I will update more, and I really could go into so much more detail about all this, but it's early, and I don't even really want to be awake right now.

Road trips=bad

OK, so putting me in a car by myself for 7 hours is really never a good thing. It gives me time to think.

So this week has been a rough one for my friends. And I felt like I needed to be in MD, and I couldn't be. People I love were going through hard stuff, and I needed to be able to help. Then there was the earthquake. Now, the hurricane. (And said hurricane didn't hit SC, but is headed right for MD) I'm choosing to believe that the earthquake didn't happen because I was in MD. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

But anyway, all that to say...I'm moving back to MD sooner than expected. It just makes more sense. Why struggle to pay bills when I can live rent free at my moms? Yes, I have some issues (ok, one major issue) I need to take care of, but time to grow up and take care of it, right? Anyway, this way I can get everything in order to start school in the Spring. And I'm thinking about joining the Charles Co Medic Unit.

I don't even need to worry about bringing all my stuff....it's not like the house will sell tomorrow, so I can leave it in SC rather than store in at a storage place.

I'm super excited to get Wyatt signed up for ice skating lessons. Next up? Ice Hockey. Somewhere in all of this I need to find out how to sign up for Aflac.

I'm in MD now, so I can take my best friend and her son to Children's Hospital for a pre-op appointment Monday. I came up early because I didn't know what the roads were going to be like post-Irene. Which means that I will be here for Irene. I'm not too worried. I have a feeling it will be just like a bad storm. I hope so anyway. It's windy now, but logically I know that's probably not Irene.

I'm excited about the changes. I'm anxious about living at my mom's again, but I have faith it will all work out.

Being the bad guy

We are all different, right? I mean, each of us does things in his or her own way, whatever works.

As a parent, not only do you have to figure out what works for you, but you have to figure out what impacts your child. And it's hard. I mean, what happens if you screw up? Go down to your county's detention center if you're not sure. No pressure!

I really struggle with this. Of course, discipline is never black and white.

For 3 years, I chose how to discipline Wyatt. I decided on my own what to do, and I figured out on my own what worked and what didn't. Great! Wonderful! If I screwed up, guess whose fault it was?

Then, I got married, and Wyatt got a dad. A very gentle, never yelling, dad. That's ok, I made up for it. Then I learned that I didn't want to be the mom who always yells. So I stopped yelling.

Now....wow. Now I have a mess on my hands. So I'm having to backpedal. Wait, what do you mean that's not an option in parenting? But I need another chance to not screw him up!

Tonight is a prime example. Wyatt was given tons of notice for bedtime. Bedtime comes, and he stomps, slams doors and DEMANDS to play. I waited to see what happened....And nothing was done. So, like always, I had to do it. I went in Wyatt's room to talk to him, and got attitude. MAJOR attitude. I am so sick of always being the one to yell, the one to take privileges, the one to discipline. I want to be the fun mom. I want to enjoy him. I want him to enjoy me. I want him to know that we can be friends, too. And yes, I happen to believe parents can be friends with their kids. This is not here for debate!

So now I'm the bad guy. He went to bed refusing to say he loved me (and that's something I will never force) and Randy is the greatest guy ever. It sucks!

I get that Wyatt is having changes thrown at him from every direction. And I'm sure his little 6 year old head is spinning. And I'm sure that accounts for part of this lashing out. But that doesn't make it ok! That doesn't excuse the destruction he seems to want to cause lately.

I know I have to get used to being a single parent, and part of that will mean being the sole disciplinarian. Been there done that. I feel like I never even stopped.

I keep telling myself that if I don't put my foot down now, it's just going to get harder. I get that I need to be his parent before I can be his friend, but I don't see anything wrong with being both.

I just want to not ALWAYS be the bad guy. Unfortunately, that just isn't an option.

Keep breathing....

Stupid things. We all say 'em. I'd like to think that, most of the time, they are done out of...well, stupidity, and not because we mean harm. Sometimes, though, there are people who are so totally thoughtless that they must completely rip the filter separating their brains from their mouths and throw said filter in the trash. I'd like to kick those people in the shin. While I'm wearing steel toed boots. (And I happen to have a pair)

Anyway...that's not what this was supposed to be about. Stuff happens. We know this. Anyone who has ever seen a bumper sticker knows it. Bad things happen to good people, blah blah. What makes it so hard is to know that there is a God out there. Yes, believing generally softens the blow, but sometimes....it doesn't. And even believing in God and knowing He has a plan doesn't negate the fact that sometimes, life just isn't fair.

So what do you do? What do you do when you feel like your world is falling down? Or when you are watching someone else's life crumble? What do you say? Words simply can't always make things better. What's left? Do you make empty promises? Do you quote scripture? Sorry, but when I'm angry at God, the last thing I want to do is listen to Him.

The only thing I really have to compare any of this to is my struggle with infertility. I know it's not the same, nor is my infertility struggle the same as the girl sitting next to me at the doctor's office. Similar, maybe, but not the same. Similar enough that I know (now) that words meant to heal only hurt. Things I use to find comfort may only make it worse for someone else.

There is one thing all of us can do. Every single one of us who is experiencing any kind of fear or loss or hurt has one thing left.....

Hope.

No one....not one of us, knows what will happen tomorrow. I do know this~ Miracles happen. People beat the odds, and accomplish what they were told would never happen.

So don't give up.

Hope.

"When you say a person or a situation is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God"

What are plans for, if not to change?

Well...the original plan was, of course, to stay married. That didn't happen.

So then I figured, if we are going to start over, might as well make it in a place that's southern, great for families, and suburban. I mean, the country and the city all in one...what could be better? So off to a Charlotte suburb I went. I got Wyatt all registered for school, got all the ducks in a row, and we were set to move tomorrow. There was a slight snafu with finding a job, but, confidence in my job skills combined with a large city gave me optimism. The more I looked, the more I saw stuff I just wasn't qualified for, or over qualified for, or had tons of competition for, but I really wasn't overly concerned.

Then I had an urge to go to MD and visit all my girls. I think there was just so much going on that I needed to go to the place where things are pretty consistent. While I was there, I felt like I was "grounded". And I remembered that MD is home. It always has been.

After a lot of thinking, and a lot of advice seeking, I've decided to move home. It seems like a lot of things nudged me in that direction. Looking at the job market, I have no idea how long it will take me to get one. Now, if I had a degree (like nursing) it wouldn't take but a moment. So...I'm going back to school. There is no way I feel that I could work enough to pay for school, plus the bills, and still have time for being a good Momma. So, I'm going to move back to my mothers. I will work part time and go to school full time. For a few years, I will still have summers off with the boy! Wahoo!

For right now, I'm staying in SC. I'm going to stay here until our house sells. I'm going to see what I can do about taking some online courses, so I'm at least being productive. And I'm going to start doing daycare for some income.

I'm a little scared. OK, a lot scared. But I know in my heart it's what's right. It's what's best, especially for the boy. An added bonus, it will be easier for he and Randy to spend time together, since Randy will be in PA. (Of course, that's if it's what Randy wants)

To quote one of my favorite movies: "Home is where your history begins. Home is where they catch you when you fall."