Priorities...Who Am I?

OK, so...I started back to work last week. I thought it was the greatest thing ever. Now? I'm not so sure. The money is great, and it will go a long way towards helping us pay for the IVF. And for the longest time, so much of my identity was wrapped up in being an EMT. Really, I wanted a break from..."home" too. I wanted some kid-free time. Not that Randy hasn't tried his hardest to give me some whenever I wanted/needed it, but....Still. There's only so much he can do.

My closest friends are my oldest ones. So of course, they knew me when I was an EMT. I love each and every one of them, and I'm not sure they would understand what I'm feeling right now. Yes, friends are allowed to have different opinions. I know that. But it's like I've changed so much. More than even I thought I had. Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt for a single moment that they wouldn't still love me and listen to me vent about being stuck at home some days. And they would still be friends with me (HA HA, like I would let them just walk away from me!!!)

I've been back to work for 3 shifts. And, it's just not what I thought it would be. I mean, it's great to get paid to sit around, watch tv, and once in a while, go make someone feel better....or at least get them to where they will feel better. But...My heart isn't in it. Not like it used to be. Granted, in those 3 shifts, I had 2 calls, and neither was someone who truely needed us. But that's the normal up here. It's just....not fun anymore. And, really, am I making a difference? No. There is nothing I do for someone that is going to save them. Not really. I just drive a fancy taxi. And I'm exhausted all the time, so the fact that me working was serving the purpose of getting me out of the house has gotten us nowhere. I'm just as cranky as I was before

Not to mention, I want to be a "helpmeet" to Randy. How can I do that when I'm not even here to help him? And I get home from work, and the house is a mess, Wyatt is clingy, and Randy has to turn around and leave. Why do I want this? He tries to keep the house clean, he really does, but for him...It's one or the other. He can't be really good at playing with kids AND keepign house. And I'd rather the housekeeping fall to the wayside. I certainly don't come home and relax. This is no fault of my husband's. It's just life. I'm coming across as whiney, and I'm really not. I think I'm just trying to sort through everything in my head and get it on "paper"

My new identity is wife and mom. And you know, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Actually, I'm pretty proud of that.

I'm not going to quit my job. Randy would let me and take on another one in a heartbeat. I honestly think that's what he'd rather do than see me like this all the time. I just can't do that to him. I just think that God guides us to our paths. There is a reason that I went back to work. I can't say that I know what it is yet.

Who knows. If things go well this summer, I may not be able to work for a while. But something's gotta give!